a countdown to the end of reentry, and that's when today ends. slipping through the upper echelons of nineties, and counting backwards. wrap down around the ribs around the collar bones fall back and drown. skin darkens around the knuckle locks. eyes seal around the retroblade. sweat peels off. you warned me about your electric orgasm but i just wanted more, and the door was wide open. she stared me in the eyes and i fucked you.
"is this important to you?" the lover asked, wondering if what her mouth was swallowing was creating a lasting impression.
"is this important to you?" the liar asked, wondering if, in the long run, the vessel would remember its flight.
"is this important to you?" the lesion asked, wondering if, when the blood was done flowing, the scars could match his constellation.
he came in her collarbone,
untied her, and left.
the antennas wanted to hear it all,
record the face she made when she felated.
hold the esophagus dear,
x-ray a phallus, cock-hard and dick-sure.
and does she let out a liquid sigh when she's completed.
i gave in to her,
let that face
let that voice
let that memory
let that goddamn body
eat me a-fucking-live.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
too much good in the world.
"i drew a rose"
turned into a mind lapse that lasted until exasperation.
it was probably something about her, anyway.
new phone soon.
-
i finished dune, actually. i loved it. i loved the fact that frank herbert put so much into the world of arrakis (and even caladan, a place left behind). the religion, the hierarchy, the geography. he even touched upon pieces of its biology.
i can't imagine anyone being into this book unless they were into sci fi, however. i mean, let's face it, there are sand worms.
i actually got a true feeling of surprise from herbert's style, when he would change from stark, realism in his world of devout science fiction, into complete lucid mode. his descriptions of seeing forward through time and space were wonderfully done. i think sci-fi can be done by one of two people:
herbert just happened to be both.
i heard the movie is complete trash.
no clue.
and it's sort of weird, because when i finish a book, i usually like to summarize it, and give folks a much better look at things, but in this case, it just is what it is. i didn't underline any lines from the book, and i sort of regret it. i like giving little pieces of what it was about back to you all. this time, i just can't do that.
hey, i finished world war z, as well.
and vampire hunter d.
world war z was good. nothing mindblowing, except for style.
vampire hunter d was complete bullshit. i hated it.
candid photos.
turned into a mind lapse that lasted until exasperation.
it was probably something about her, anyway.
new phone soon.
-
i finished dune, actually. i loved it. i loved the fact that frank herbert put so much into the world of arrakis (and even caladan, a place left behind). the religion, the hierarchy, the geography. he even touched upon pieces of its biology.
i can't imagine anyone being into this book unless they were into sci fi, however. i mean, let's face it, there are sand worms.
i actually got a true feeling of surprise from herbert's style, when he would change from stark, realism in his world of devout science fiction, into complete lucid mode. his descriptions of seeing forward through time and space were wonderfully done. i think sci-fi can be done by one of two people:
- sci fi nerds
- writers with outward imaginations
herbert just happened to be both.
i heard the movie is complete trash.
no clue.
and it's sort of weird, because when i finish a book, i usually like to summarize it, and give folks a much better look at things, but in this case, it just is what it is. i didn't underline any lines from the book, and i sort of regret it. i like giving little pieces of what it was about back to you all. this time, i just can't do that.
hey, i finished world war z, as well.
and vampire hunter d.
world war z was good. nothing mindblowing, except for style.
vampire hunter d was complete bullshit. i hated it.
candid photos.
Friday, May 25, 2007
the best of what i'm waiting for.
The High just crave simplicity. to sit in the sun, to listen to an
album, to laugh, to synchronize with company. even just to fly.
new circa survive album for streaming on their myspace. (link)
my weakness is my hairy back. I can't even sit in my own backyard on a
weekend without a shirt without listening for the laugh track of
witnesses. like some god-satellite will scorn me for living on with this
infection. i lost 25-30 pounds in florida, and even still, when i took my shirt off at the beach, the first thing my best friend could say is, "Steve's got a hairy back!"
I go commando more often than not.
I never knew I loved the blues until I saw black snake moan.
once again, nicole scared me straight. the best.
album, to laugh, to synchronize with company. even just to fly.
new circa survive album for streaming on their myspace. (link)
my weakness is my hairy back. I can't even sit in my own backyard on a
weekend without a shirt without listening for the laugh track of
witnesses. like some god-satellite will scorn me for living on with this
infection. i lost 25-30 pounds in florida, and even still, when i took my shirt off at the beach, the first thing my best friend could say is, "Steve's got a hairy back!"
I go commando more often than not.
I never knew I loved the blues until I saw black snake moan.
once again, nicole scared me straight. the best.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
my whole soul.
my true sister.
a home without latitude and longitude.
we're going to find it.
i love you.
a home without latitude and longitude.
we're going to find it.
it's just a simple line.
i can still hear it all of the time:
"if i can just hold on tonight,
i know that nothing,
nothing survives.
nothing survives."
i think i'm turned around
i'm looking up,
not looking down.
and when i'm standing still,
watching you run
watching you fall.
am i making something worthwhile out of this place?
i am displaced.
i am displaced.
and she's my friend of all friends.
she's still here when everyone's gone.
she doesn't have to say a thing.
we'll just keep laughing all night long,
all night long.
and it's just a simple line.
i can still hear it all of the time:
"if we make it through tonight,
i know that no one; no one survives."
i love you.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
drugs vs. insecurities.
Sean:
orange monkeys flying around in pink tutus while flying over purple elephants with business suits talkin bout bacon politics.
Steve:
teeth for miles, and only stepping on the molars. blondes love it when you touch the thorax. starving the evil empire but slaughtering the poor.
orange monkeys flying around in pink tutus while flying over purple elephants with business suits talkin bout bacon politics.
Steve:
teeth for miles, and only stepping on the molars. blondes love it when you touch the thorax. starving the evil empire but slaughtering the poor.
Monday, May 21, 2007
wax[caps]ow g[caps]rxg
tonight was going to be me writing in here with a six pack, because i am in desperate need of a release valve. instead, here's an e-mail i sent.
-
I swear to god...I swear directly to jesus, the savior, who shall return, I swear right in that prophet's face that in our house, our home, there will be NO alcohol, NO smoking, and NO disgusting lunchmeats. I said it. Disgusting lunch meats.
No beer, no wine, no hard liquors.
No marlboros, no parliaments, no salems.
No provolone cheese, no salami, no pastrami.
No coffee.
Everything here makes me sick. It's draining me. I went to start the dishes, and there was a doused cigarette in a half emptied cup of coffee.
I shouted right at Jesus for that one.
My dad hasn't been drinking (supposedly) since his accident, I guess bc of the medication he's supposed to be taking. But I swear, his aura wreaks of old beer cans. That terrible bottom of the bottle/can that the sober fear. Stale, and musty, and heavy like fog. And every word, every sentence, and every sigh fills the room with a yellowing suffocation.
My mother's smoking is to the point where if she doesn't have cancer or some early signs of it yet, then she's staving it off through tobacco. Seriously. When she coughs, it could wake the dead. When she laughs, she coughs, and everything just stops being funny. Once per conversation, she gets caught up in a coughing fit. Her breath smells like coffee and wine and cigarettes, so it's hard to get close.
My parents, see, they're deteriorating.
Jesus, are you listening?
I see this, and I wonder what people do to each other. Will one day come where you'll wish me to stop playing my video games, or listening to my music, or writing my words, or reading my graphic novels, or watching my anime? Will a day come when I want you to stop painting, or singing, or enjoying indie movies? Is that what marriage and life-ever-after is?
I can't ever say a sentence that starts:
"My dad is really into..."
"My mom would be so excited for..."
These aren't people, they're just caretakers.
And I think the best way to describe living with my sister goes something like what's happened in the past week. She comes home saturday night, drunk, at three in the morning and by four am, I'm already hearing her having sex... AGAIN. The next two days, I don't see her because her door's closed and she's napping, she's showering, or she's out working or getting work done or tying wayy too many on. Like fucking anchors. Tuesday, she really wants a slurpee but won't come with me to get one, just the two of us. She REALLY "wants to fucking see" 28 Weeks Later, but turns down an invite to come with us. For free. Wednesday she's nowhere to be found until later in the afternoon when her skin's been torched. "At the beach, and then tanning," she explains.
Dying by the light.
This morning, a Saturday, I wake up to mom cough-leaving minutes before my sister storms down then up the stairs. She screams in her room at no one for everyone to hear. We're used to this, so we don't react. She squeaks. She comes downstairs slamming doors wherever she can find one. Back up the stairs, another yell. "Kay," is what I'm thinking. Nothing is what I'm saying. By the time she leaves and it's okay to leave my room, I go downstairs to find nothing new. 2007, 1999, 1997, nothing new. An upturned hamper, a pair of jeans on the table, yadda yadda yadda. She probably couldn't find a clean pair of whatever.
She says mom's "a fucking idiot," because of something to do with laundry. This, because everyone here is afraid to tell her that she's a pathetic alcoholic who can't wash her own clothes. that's the kind of thing I'd tell her if I could, but I can't, because there's always the excuses from the mother.
23 years old.
And then there's the whole "at least I have a job" thing that I'm sure they'll fall back on, completely rendering my argument useless.
Hours later, after I finish my pizza, my father comes in here and makes a sandwich, sitting down, and saying, "hey would you mind getting [everything]." The smell still hanging heavy, he makes a horrible-meat sandwich (read above), and when done, he cleans his mouth for seven minutes. Breathing heavily, licking his gums, his teeth, sucking at food particles everywhere. The sorts of noises that are impossible to ignore, even on a subway car at rush hour.
Anytime we eat dinner together, a majority of their conversation is done with mouths full of whatever.
I wonder where I come from.
You ask why I'm sad sometimes, and this is just a brief look at that.
I'm so sick of everything here.
-
I swear to god...I swear directly to jesus, the savior, who shall return, I swear right in that prophet's face that in our house, our home, there will be NO alcohol, NO smoking, and NO disgusting lunchmeats. I said it. Disgusting lunch meats.
No beer, no wine, no hard liquors.
No marlboros, no parliaments, no salems.
No provolone cheese, no salami, no pastrami.
No coffee.
Everything here makes me sick. It's draining me. I went to start the dishes, and there was a doused cigarette in a half emptied cup of coffee.
I shouted right at Jesus for that one.
My dad hasn't been drinking (supposedly) since his accident, I guess bc of the medication he's supposed to be taking. But I swear, his aura wreaks of old beer cans. That terrible bottom of the bottle/can that the sober fear. Stale, and musty, and heavy like fog. And every word, every sentence, and every sigh fills the room with a yellowing suffocation.
My mother's smoking is to the point where if she doesn't have cancer or some early signs of it yet, then she's staving it off through tobacco. Seriously. When she coughs, it could wake the dead. When she laughs, she coughs, and everything just stops being funny. Once per conversation, she gets caught up in a coughing fit. Her breath smells like coffee and wine and cigarettes, so it's hard to get close.
My parents, see, they're deteriorating.
Jesus, are you listening?
I see this, and I wonder what people do to each other. Will one day come where you'll wish me to stop playing my video games, or listening to my music, or writing my words, or reading my graphic novels, or watching my anime? Will a day come when I want you to stop painting, or singing, or enjoying indie movies? Is that what marriage and life-ever-after is?
I can't ever say a sentence that starts:
"My dad is really into..."
"My mom would be so excited for..."
These aren't people, they're just caretakers.
And I think the best way to describe living with my sister goes something like what's happened in the past week. She comes home saturday night, drunk, at three in the morning and by four am, I'm already hearing her having sex... AGAIN. The next two days, I don't see her because her door's closed and she's napping, she's showering, or she's out working or getting work done or tying wayy too many on. Like fucking anchors. Tuesday, she really wants a slurpee but won't come with me to get one, just the two of us. She REALLY "wants to fucking see" 28 Weeks Later, but turns down an invite to come with us. For free. Wednesday she's nowhere to be found until later in the afternoon when her skin's been torched. "At the beach, and then tanning," she explains.
Dying by the light.
This morning, a Saturday, I wake up to mom cough-leaving minutes before my sister storms down then up the stairs. She screams in her room at no one for everyone to hear. We're used to this, so we don't react. She squeaks. She comes downstairs slamming doors wherever she can find one. Back up the stairs, another yell. "Kay," is what I'm thinking. Nothing is what I'm saying. By the time she leaves and it's okay to leave my room, I go downstairs to find nothing new. 2007, 1999, 1997, nothing new. An upturned hamper, a pair of jeans on the table, yadda yadda yadda. She probably couldn't find a clean pair of whatever.
She says mom's "a fucking idiot," because of something to do with laundry. This, because everyone here is afraid to tell her that she's a pathetic alcoholic who can't wash her own clothes. that's the kind of thing I'd tell her if I could, but I can't, because there's always the excuses from the mother.
23 years old.
And then there's the whole "at least I have a job" thing that I'm sure they'll fall back on, completely rendering my argument useless.
Hours later, after I finish my pizza, my father comes in here and makes a sandwich, sitting down, and saying, "hey would you mind getting [everything]." The smell still hanging heavy, he makes a horrible-meat sandwich (read above), and when done, he cleans his mouth for seven minutes. Breathing heavily, licking his gums, his teeth, sucking at food particles everywhere. The sorts of noises that are impossible to ignore, even on a subway car at rush hour.
Anytime we eat dinner together, a majority of their conversation is done with mouths full of whatever.
I wonder where I come from.
You ask why I'm sad sometimes, and this is just a brief look at that.
I'm so sick of everything here.
Friday, May 18, 2007
when she's not around, i make her out of empty space.
we lose a lot of things
to distance and time.
but some things will always be mine.
to distance and time.
but some things will always be mine.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
vertebrae by vertebrae.
you
can tell by the way i talk about it. i have no idea what i'm doing.
but i'm still doing it.
like i said, "on and on and on and on."
you
can tell by the way i used to talk about it. i had no idea what i was doing.
and i can see that from now on, the world will always be made of this. the way the angles of her face make their ways into the shapes i see in sunspots. eyes wide, dream-ready. the mind hungry and charitable. strong fingers, delicate hands. unspeakable, unspeakable. unnameable. and great shoes.
got caught kicking the canvas down.
i had plans but they never seemed to work out.
wide-eyed and on the lookout, got caught tearing the whole thing down.
i was halfway done;
but then you know this painted scene could never leave me.
oh please believe me...
&
when we are awake we sing "never... ever".
this is where you must make up your mind.
should beauty be design this time?
this time you decide cause we go with whatever.
we take our time.
it's like you said:
the never stopping.
i gave you archways,
and they're yours to keep.
i hope you always knew.
.cartographist.
her
robots and mannequins.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Thursday, April 19, 2007
the fear and the doubt as rosary.
in about
7
hours it'll be about
24
hours left.
i'm excited and scared and worried and doubtful and suspicious and into it.
i only get the bad feelings because of things that have happened in the past. really. no matter what you guys want to say, it's really because of the things that have happened. cheated on twice, i mean. it's the kind of thing that makes defense mechanisms part of the default program. a way of life, you know?
you worry about phone calls and text messages and what they say about you and her and you&her and you guys and him when you're not around. or how things are different when you are.
worriers:
stop. it's not her.
it's me.
i know how you jump on it with a quickness. the whole thing where you think she's not good enough or something. i have a hard time seeing that. in fact, i think that's what makes me so suspicious.
she's gorgeous. she has tattoos. she listens to her own music as well as music i am into. she paints. she writes. she tries to read when she has time, but so do we all. she bends over backwards for me. she's hardworking. she wants a family. she wants to travel.
but who knows. it's the same old story. the huge gray hanging cloud of the past. the things you should never ask, but you do. the guy she met when she came down to florida, that took her months to admit she slept with. the best friend/ex boyfriend who calls just about the right amount of times to be a best friend, but the jealous boyfriend says is too much to just be friends. the way she'll wait until i'm not around to call him.
guilty.
see, but the way it sounds and the way it's written is so much worse than the way it really is. because since when do you call people you miss, and people you love when you're wrapped up in something. we've all been in relationships. we've all been there. i mean, seriously. when you're in a relationship, even when you're doing nothing, you're doing something. and when it's a good, successful relationship, a healthy relationship, that something feels like everything.
i'm not saying anything new here. and maybe there are times when i should pick up the phone but i don't. and maybe i could make a more conscious effort to get online on my days off, or on my phone. but the reality of it is, as much as it may have seemed like i wasn't doing anything to help the problem, i was always trying to come up with a better time, and a better place to get all of the things expected of me in line. i really was.
and it wasn't enough.
so i took a beating for it.
and so did your view of my relationship.
but really, i guess this is becoming more of an open letter than the blog post i was hoping for. sorry.
this is where you say, "whoa."
but seriously, it's not her.
what i really came in here to say was a few things that were going through my head, while i was browsing myspace. just some individual pieces that have nothing to do with each other.
i can't grow a beard.
i liked her before she was trashy.
i'm just saying, she looked pretty innocent.
jesus christ,
what a pretty face.
7
hours it'll be about
24
hours left.
i'm excited and scared and worried and doubtful and suspicious and into it.
i only get the bad feelings because of things that have happened in the past. really. no matter what you guys want to say, it's really because of the things that have happened. cheated on twice, i mean. it's the kind of thing that makes defense mechanisms part of the default program. a way of life, you know?
you worry about phone calls and text messages and what they say about you and her and you&her and you guys and him when you're not around. or how things are different when you are.
worriers:
stop. it's not her.
it's me.
i know how you jump on it with a quickness. the whole thing where you think she's not good enough or something. i have a hard time seeing that. in fact, i think that's what makes me so suspicious.
she's gorgeous. she has tattoos. she listens to her own music as well as music i am into. she paints. she writes. she tries to read when she has time, but so do we all. she bends over backwards for me. she's hardworking. she wants a family. she wants to travel.
but who knows. it's the same old story. the huge gray hanging cloud of the past. the things you should never ask, but you do. the guy she met when she came down to florida, that took her months to admit she slept with. the best friend/ex boyfriend who calls just about the right amount of times to be a best friend, but the jealous boyfriend says is too much to just be friends. the way she'll wait until i'm not around to call him.
guilty.
see, but the way it sounds and the way it's written is so much worse than the way it really is. because since when do you call people you miss, and people you love when you're wrapped up in something. we've all been in relationships. we've all been there. i mean, seriously. when you're in a relationship, even when you're doing nothing, you're doing something. and when it's a good, successful relationship, a healthy relationship, that something feels like everything.
i'm not saying anything new here. and maybe there are times when i should pick up the phone but i don't. and maybe i could make a more conscious effort to get online on my days off, or on my phone. but the reality of it is, as much as it may have seemed like i wasn't doing anything to help the problem, i was always trying to come up with a better time, and a better place to get all of the things expected of me in line. i really was.
and it wasn't enough.
so i took a beating for it.
and so did your view of my relationship.
but really, i guess this is becoming more of an open letter than the blog post i was hoping for. sorry.
this is where you say, "whoa."
but seriously, it's not her.
what i really came in here to say was a few things that were going through my head, while i was browsing myspace. just some individual pieces that have nothing to do with each other.
i can't grow a beard.
i liked her before she was trashy.
i'm just saying, she looked pretty innocent.
jesus christ,
what a pretty face.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
agnes fertility.
this about sums it up,
in the realm of myspace.
Sean:
Apr 16 2007 9:16A
yooo whats up cooch?!!!!
how was the ride up there?
Steve:
Apr 16 2007 2:38P
the ride up here was wack-city, USA. dude, you were right about the rednecks up in florida. the panhandle IS the backwoods. people die in waffle houses. i promise.
the car was stuffed with two lives. i'll try to get some photos of the car situation ASAP. there was no room for anything. we needed scuba gear to breathe in my automobile.
a cell is dead in my car battery. that means i can't start my car. that means everytime we needed gas, we needed to wait around for people with jumper cables. note to travelers: no one has jumper cables at four in the morning.
we found where serial killers are spawned. it's on ROUTE 92 in kentucky. they're hiring. it snowed on a mountain while we were on it. it was called BAD BRANCH FALLS. kentucky should become its own country. it'd be third world.
we got here, and a week later, the rivers started to flood. the water was brown. i'm told it's sewage. and people here love to fish.
overall, so far, this trip has gone well. i'm off to NY this friday. i'm sure there will be more to tell about the wonderful east coast by then.
keep bass alive, man.
[end transmission]
###
the photo presentation
of the capacity situation.
anyway,
i hate this place, and its people. we need to get out of here.
i'll be out by friday. it'll be months until we can evac the rest.
i've seen floods,
but at least there are mountains.
in the realm of myspace.
Sean:
Apr 16 2007 9:16A
yooo whats up cooch?!!!!
how was the ride up there?
Steve:
Apr 16 2007 2:38P
the ride up here was wack-city, USA. dude, you were right about the rednecks up in florida. the panhandle IS the backwoods. people die in waffle houses. i promise.
the car was stuffed with two lives. i'll try to get some photos of the car situation ASAP. there was no room for anything. we needed scuba gear to breathe in my automobile.
a cell is dead in my car battery. that means i can't start my car. that means everytime we needed gas, we needed to wait around for people with jumper cables. note to travelers: no one has jumper cables at four in the morning.
we found where serial killers are spawned. it's on ROUTE 92 in kentucky. they're hiring. it snowed on a mountain while we were on it. it was called BAD BRANCH FALLS. kentucky should become its own country. it'd be third world.
we got here, and a week later, the rivers started to flood. the water was brown. i'm told it's sewage. and people here love to fish.
overall, so far, this trip has gone well. i'm off to NY this friday. i'm sure there will be more to tell about the wonderful east coast by then.
keep bass alive, man.
[end transmission]
the photo presentation
of the capacity situation.
anyway,
i hate this place, and its people. we need to get out of here.
i'll be out by friday. it'll be months until we can evac the rest.
i've seen floods,
but at least there are mountains.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
war drobe.
three new shirts i purchased last night:
support the artist.
buy his merchandise.
look damn good.
fullbleed.org
support the artist.
buy his merchandise.
look damn good.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
seedig bale.
things have been shaping out to be a little bit more timelined/streamlined.
we leave on friday (about five days from now) and head to Her brother's house/apt. for a day, which is only about four hours away. we then finish the rest of the trip to west virginia and get there in time for Easter. i think, from there, my stay lasts until the first week of may, at which point i then depart, again, for the rest of the drive to NY. i then find a job, and work for several months, trying to save some money for the haul west, which looks to be some time before the end of august.
that's the ideal version.
let's see how real life toys with it.
and, by the way, in one of the greatest surprises of my entire life, my favorite cartoon short of all time, "I Love to Singa," is actually on the Happy Feet DVD. i found out by just browsing the special features randomly. it's definitely the simple things.
anyone who wanted one of those mix CDs, i'm sorry i haven't gotten it out to you. management has scheduled me horribly for the last few weeks i've been here, and getting to the bank has proved impossible, let alone office depot. they're coming.
we leave on friday (about five days from now) and head to Her brother's house/apt. for a day, which is only about four hours away. we then finish the rest of the trip to west virginia and get there in time for Easter. i think, from there, my stay lasts until the first week of may, at which point i then depart, again, for the rest of the drive to NY. i then find a job, and work for several months, trying to save some money for the haul west, which looks to be some time before the end of august.
that's the ideal version.
let's see how real life toys with it.
and, by the way, in one of the greatest surprises of my entire life, my favorite cartoon short of all time, "I Love to Singa," is actually on the Happy Feet DVD. i found out by just browsing the special features randomly. it's definitely the simple things.
anyone who wanted one of those mix CDs, i'm sorry i haven't gotten it out to you. management has scheduled me horribly for the last few weeks i've been here, and getting to the bank has proved impossible, let alone office depot. they're coming.
Monday, March 26, 2007
(de)parture
Well, at least the wait is over.
We're getting out of here in less than two weeks. If all things go according to plan, that's less than 10 days. Something like 9 days, actually.
It's actually believable now, as opposed to those wishes that despite your grandest effort, you can never seem to make true. We all have one.
Things are a little bit more complex than they were at first, though. Really, it all started with just a move up north to West Virginia. I wasn't entirely FOR this idea, but went with it anyway.
I'm in love with her.
That's why.
But the other night, she introduced me to a week old idea that she gave birth all on her own. Maybe if I went to WV with her, and just existed, worked, saved money, and hungout with her and her mom and sister, I wouldn't be all that happy. Maybe that'd ruin morale. Maybe we'd suffer more from that than anything else we could make happen on our own. Maybe we'd be farther away from everything we knew for longer than we've ever been before.
maybe.
So, as of today, circa 3:30am, the decision was made to come back to LI at the end of April, after spending some time in WV with the future family-in-law (and possible adopted pet/son). Then get a job. Or jobs. And save money amidst the things that I know. And then, in June, she'll come in to see me. And after that, I think I'll be gone again. Well, I know I'll be gone again. I'm just not sure when I'm going to be ready to get on and get out.
Because we're going West, so we might need a lot of money. And that's going to be the beginning again, just us, and maybe a dog. And we'll have to furnish our whatever, wherever we go.
Hopefully somewhere where it's easy to steal the internet. Because right now, it's proving impossible to get online, from my normal vantage point. I hate this little game that me, and the air plays. It used to be easy, then it got hard, then it got easy again, and now it's hard again. Damnit. And now it's easy again.
I got some albums last night:
- modest mouse - we were dead before the ship even sank
- chimaira - resurrection
- the snake the cross the crown - cotton teeth
& - kaddisfly - set sail the prairie
Plus, yo, Hot Rod Circuit comes out tonight, so I may pick that up at midnight. That is, if I'm out of the TMNT Movie. Or Shooter. Tonight's a solo night, so I have to find something to do while Dave is sick. Tomorrow night, I'll be heading over there for what MIGHT be the last time, which is very sad. I don't think it will be, but it just might be. Dave has BEEN florida to me. And he's the reason I was here in the first place. But I bet we'll just be doing the same stuff as always, which never ceases to keep me very happy. Video games, movies, and horrible horrible imaginary characters.
I sent people things that I've written, and I heard nothing back.
Saaight.
I realized I haven't put new pictures up here in a while, so that's what's going on with the overabundance in here. Those are taken in the now now. You are seeing me write this blog in those photos.
And I think the B&W is just a phase.
It'll pass.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
total trash.
i planned to update this twice before. one time about my history of drinking and non drinking. another time about the same kinds of stuff it's always been about. this time, it seems that i want to update just for the sake of having said that i've said something.
megan left and the apartment is all ours. it's sad, because this place has been my home for about as much time as the place in jade winds was (5 months). it doesn't feel that way, at all. being here for ten months doesn't feel right either. it doesn't seem that simple; just a number of months. but it is the goddamned truth.
we're leaving south florida for uncertain territories, sometime between today and april 19th. we'll be out of the state and on our way north towards west virginia first. and then i think we'll head to NY for a little while as well. from there, it's all money saving, as always, to see where the new destination will be. well, money saving while i try [keyword: TRY] to find something more career oriented elsewhere. we're thinking west coast. something like california, or arizona. texas has come up, as well. i'd even do chicago. maybe more north. like toronto.
well, the list of states that we agree on looks something like this:
Incontiguous:
Alaska
Hawaii
West Coast:
Arizona
California
Midwest:
Colorado
Texas
Northeast:
Maryland
Massachusetts
New Jersey
The states we've left out are Alabama, Arkansas, Delaware, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Michigan, Minnesota, Nebraska, New Hampshire, New Mexico, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Utah, Virginia, West Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming. All the rest, we couldn't agree on completely.
There are things I'll miss about this city, like it's 98% consistent warmth, palm trees, never harsh breezes, and Dave. The view from our balcony is definitely one wortth waking up for. While it is humble, it's still something that I doubt I'll have the opportunity to see on such a regular basis anymore. I'll miss being this close to the beach at all times. I'm not one for sunbathing, but as a place to think or converse, it's pretty hard to beat. I won't miss the people, or the constant tourism. The horrible drivers. The terrible musical tastes. The nonexistant music scene. This just isn't a place of culture. It's like the trophy wife of the states. all it ever had to do was exist. it never had to do anything but look beautiful.
i'm looking forward to getting out of here, but i'm not looking forward to our indefinite stop in west virginia. i'm hoping i can handle it. it really was one of the worst places i've ever been to when we went there for christmas, and while Justine's family was one of the most welcoming, hands down fun group of people to be around, i'm just not sure i can handle a full serving of that place day in and day out. jesus. just thinking about it makes me nervous. she has shelves and tomes of pages of history there. people, places, things, memories. the very real sorts of things that will drive a creative mind up the wall. but i've put someone through the same sort of thing. someone came straight into my life and lived where i'd lived for a good few months. it really happened. and to ask justine to come to NY just to make me comfortable is selfish. it is, no matter how you try to make it straight in your head. it's just not going to happen that easily.
so, we'll see how it all goes down. i'm hoping smoothly. the whole "rat race" thing is sort of coming into view for me. i'm not sure it's exactly in the same way that it's meant to be, metaphorically, but it works for me, regardless. the possibility of coming to the end of a labyrinthine hallway and having to turn around and start all over again is getting very real for me.
can't say i didn't try.
i bought some CDs today. Brazilian Girls' Talk to La Bomb, Sonic Youth's Daydream Nation, and Silversun Pickups' Carnavas. The first and third ones are albums I already knew I liked. The second is from a band I've always wanted to try to listen to, and eventually got around to sampling. They're not awesome, but not bad either. I don't understand the critical acclaim, or anything. That's pretty much how it goes for me, no matter what, though.
oh, samurai champloo is outstanding.
as was the movie Zodiac.
god of war ii comes out on the 14th.
that's awesome news.
because i'm not very good at pac man.
megan left and the apartment is all ours. it's sad, because this place has been my home for about as much time as the place in jade winds was (5 months). it doesn't feel that way, at all. being here for ten months doesn't feel right either. it doesn't seem that simple; just a number of months. but it is the goddamned truth.
we're leaving south florida for uncertain territories, sometime between today and april 19th. we'll be out of the state and on our way north towards west virginia first. and then i think we'll head to NY for a little while as well. from there, it's all money saving, as always, to see where the new destination will be. well, money saving while i try [keyword: TRY] to find something more career oriented elsewhere. we're thinking west coast. something like california, or arizona. texas has come up, as well. i'd even do chicago. maybe more north. like toronto.
well, the list of states that we agree on looks something like this:
Incontiguous:
Alaska
Hawaii
West Coast:
Arizona
California
Midwest:
Colorado
Texas
Northeast:
Maryland
Massachusetts
New Jersey
The states we've left out are Alabama, Arkansas, Delaware, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Michigan, Minnesota, Nebraska, New Hampshire, New Mexico, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Utah, Virginia, West Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming. All the rest, we couldn't agree on completely.
There are things I'll miss about this city, like it's 98% consistent warmth, palm trees, never harsh breezes, and Dave. The view from our balcony is definitely one wortth waking up for. While it is humble, it's still something that I doubt I'll have the opportunity to see on such a regular basis anymore. I'll miss being this close to the beach at all times. I'm not one for sunbathing, but as a place to think or converse, it's pretty hard to beat. I won't miss the people, or the constant tourism. The horrible drivers. The terrible musical tastes. The nonexistant music scene. This just isn't a place of culture. It's like the trophy wife of the states. all it ever had to do was exist. it never had to do anything but look beautiful.
i'm looking forward to getting out of here, but i'm not looking forward to our indefinite stop in west virginia. i'm hoping i can handle it. it really was one of the worst places i've ever been to when we went there for christmas, and while Justine's family was one of the most welcoming, hands down fun group of people to be around, i'm just not sure i can handle a full serving of that place day in and day out. jesus. just thinking about it makes me nervous. she has shelves and tomes of pages of history there. people, places, things, memories. the very real sorts of things that will drive a creative mind up the wall. but i've put someone through the same sort of thing. someone came straight into my life and lived where i'd lived for a good few months. it really happened. and to ask justine to come to NY just to make me comfortable is selfish. it is, no matter how you try to make it straight in your head. it's just not going to happen that easily.
so, we'll see how it all goes down. i'm hoping smoothly. the whole "rat race" thing is sort of coming into view for me. i'm not sure it's exactly in the same way that it's meant to be, metaphorically, but it works for me, regardless. the possibility of coming to the end of a labyrinthine hallway and having to turn around and start all over again is getting very real for me.
can't say i didn't try.
i bought some CDs today. Brazilian Girls' Talk to La Bomb, Sonic Youth's Daydream Nation, and Silversun Pickups' Carnavas. The first and third ones are albums I already knew I liked. The second is from a band I've always wanted to try to listen to, and eventually got around to sampling. They're not awesome, but not bad either. I don't understand the critical acclaim, or anything. That's pretty much how it goes for me, no matter what, though.
oh, samurai champloo is outstanding.
as was the movie Zodiac.
god of war ii comes out on the 14th.
that's awesome news.
because i'm not very good at pac man.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
the proxy monument.
after hearing tons of good stuff about this anime, samurai champloo, i finally picked up a copy of the first volume, used, and i'm going to start checking it out right now.
i'm starting to think that i'm not exactly a true anime fan. i am almost constantly disappointed with series that have a ton of recommendation behind them, and tend to only enjoy those that already have legendary status. Evangelion, Ghost in the Shell, Akira, etc. i think anyone, not just a fan of anime, but literally, ANYONE would enjoy these achievements.
i'll let you know.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
these are the hours now that we are dying out.
it's clear (read: crystal clear) that the trip to NY was almost a complete and utter failure. failure might not be the right word. i think disaster just about sums it up a little bit better. aside from making it obvious that i live miles and miles away (yet again), i think it's at the point where we can all now see and admit that it's not just land-distance that's separating us now. it's shitty. there's no other real way to lay it out.
i'm exhausted right now.
i haven't felt tired in months.
maybe i'm getting sick, or something.
i had a daydream the other day of packing up and leaving.
it's just that i'm not sure which life i like more. i'm not sure which fantasy i'm just entertaining because it's a possibility. but i'm sure it's one of them.
the last few days, i've been feeling needy and unsatisfiable. i sleep, drink, eat, and dream emotion, because that's what's here. sometimes, i miss not feeling a damn thing. not numb, exactly, but maybe just the ignorance of another day.
i thought about writing up a postcard for someone.
it might just be a question that i need to ask.
i think about getting an answer back, and a push over the edge.
i still play games like that, just to feel things, sometimes.
i never get enough WHAT IFs.
i might have to make things happen. someday.
i'll wreck someone.
being home, though, made me realize just how much i miss my mom. i blame myself for stranding here there amidst my dad and my sister. what is she even doing. is she really that far on in her life that she's glad to look BACK on it and make sure we have a good life? i don't like to think about it like that. but is it true? she cries everytime she gets off the phone with me. that's horrible.
my heart, though, still remains one of my last priorities. whether it's full up or not really hasn't made much of a difference, and it's something that took me all of a couple weeks to realize that. it's still me loving the possibility of people. well, that, and finding the absolute best in everyone and ignoring the absolute worst. and giving my all to everyone and anyone, no matter who it is. i guess the hard part is tearing apart the little things, like who appreciates it the most, and who reciprocates, and who takes what for granted. who do i see myself reflected in? that little shit.
who's going to give me my space.
who's going to accept me and all the choices i make, both stupid and smart.
who's going to want to move.
who's going to want to go somewhere.
who's going to want to stop the same day i want to stop.
and,
when does this get old?
when do we get tired?
i'm exhausted right now.
i haven't felt tired in months.
maybe i'm getting sick, or something.
i had a daydream the other day of packing up and leaving.
it's just that i'm not sure which life i like more. i'm not sure which fantasy i'm just entertaining because it's a possibility. but i'm sure it's one of them.
the last few days, i've been feeling needy and unsatisfiable. i sleep, drink, eat, and dream emotion, because that's what's here. sometimes, i miss not feeling a damn thing. not numb, exactly, but maybe just the ignorance of another day.
i thought about writing up a postcard for someone.
it might just be a question that i need to ask.
i think about getting an answer back, and a push over the edge.
i still play games like that, just to feel things, sometimes.
i never get enough WHAT IFs.
i might have to make things happen. someday.
i'll wreck someone.
being home, though, made me realize just how much i miss my mom. i blame myself for stranding here there amidst my dad and my sister. what is she even doing. is she really that far on in her life that she's glad to look BACK on it and make sure we have a good life? i don't like to think about it like that. but is it true? she cries everytime she gets off the phone with me. that's horrible.
my heart, though, still remains one of my last priorities. whether it's full up or not really hasn't made much of a difference, and it's something that took me all of a couple weeks to realize that. it's still me loving the possibility of people. well, that, and finding the absolute best in everyone and ignoring the absolute worst. and giving my all to everyone and anyone, no matter who it is. i guess the hard part is tearing apart the little things, like who appreciates it the most, and who reciprocates, and who takes what for granted. who do i see myself reflected in? that little shit.
who's going to give me my space.
who's going to accept me and all the choices i make, both stupid and smart.
who's going to want to move.
who's going to want to go somewhere.
who's going to want to stop the same day i want to stop.
and,
when does this get old?
when do we get tired?
Monday, January 22, 2007
revi sangre.
“Tell me you couldn’t live without me.”
She couldn’t.
live without me, that is.
And even with that, it does nothing. Days at a time, this happens. I don’t know how to better myself or my view of myself. I don’t know how to make what I’m doing with my life seem right. Is it the people, the location I’m surrounding myself with? Is it her? Is it me?
I couldn’t sleep last night. That’s why this is the tape that’s playing.
The psyche is militant in its self doubt.
I think about packing it all up. Books, and music, and movies, and clothes. Another trip across the country with my life in the trunk. Surprise, I’m home.
And then there’s…
“Surprise. I’m gone.”
I think it was Brian who said something about taking steps ahead. Anything sideways or backwards, those are the things we’re going to try to avoid. And I’m realizing that there’s been nothing but static lately.
So,
I’m thinking it’s not the people. It’s not the location. It’s the lack of connection with the outside world. The non-fiction stuff. New games. New books. New music. New movies. Something to talk about. If I’m here, really, until July, I think I should genuinely try to at least know what’s going on somewhere else. If I ever really want to get out of here, I should at least give myself a reason to believe that somewhere else could be better than here.
“Let’s bring it back to life.”
That’s what I said. Sometime between Daniel’s 9AM phone call that he locked himself out of the office, and Justine’s 10AM alarm, that’s what I said.
Leave it to today to be the day the internet is down.
That’s that.
I’m thinking, though, what else does anyone else really do? Am I missing out on anything, really, no matter where I go? What can happen there that can’t happen here? And I guess, really, that’s all up to me.
That’s all up to me, though. There’s the New Times, which has a bunch of stuff that happens around South Florida. I choose to ignore it out of convenience, I guess. I could be doing any… ALL of that. And when was the last time I was on AP.net? The PRP? Anything like that?
There’s no excuse.
I guess that’s my new year’s resolution, in a sense. A return to normalcy. We’ll see how that works out. We’ll know in 2008 if I’ve succeeded.
There are some phone calls I have to make, that I should and shouldn’t make.
She couldn’t.
live without me, that is.
And even with that, it does nothing. Days at a time, this happens. I don’t know how to better myself or my view of myself. I don’t know how to make what I’m doing with my life seem right. Is it the people, the location I’m surrounding myself with? Is it her? Is it me?
I couldn’t sleep last night. That’s why this is the tape that’s playing.
The psyche is militant in its self doubt.
I think about packing it all up. Books, and music, and movies, and clothes. Another trip across the country with my life in the trunk. Surprise, I’m home.
And then there’s…
“Surprise. I’m gone.”
I think it was Brian who said something about taking steps ahead. Anything sideways or backwards, those are the things we’re going to try to avoid. And I’m realizing that there’s been nothing but static lately.
So,
I’m thinking it’s not the people. It’s not the location. It’s the lack of connection with the outside world. The non-fiction stuff. New games. New books. New music. New movies. Something to talk about. If I’m here, really, until July, I think I should genuinely try to at least know what’s going on somewhere else. If I ever really want to get out of here, I should at least give myself a reason to believe that somewhere else could be better than here.
“Let’s bring it back to life.”
That’s what I said. Sometime between Daniel’s 9AM phone call that he locked himself out of the office, and Justine’s 10AM alarm, that’s what I said.
Leave it to today to be the day the internet is down.
That’s that.
I’m thinking, though, what else does anyone else really do? Am I missing out on anything, really, no matter where I go? What can happen there that can’t happen here? And I guess, really, that’s all up to me.
That’s all up to me, though. There’s the New Times, which has a bunch of stuff that happens around South Florida. I choose to ignore it out of convenience, I guess. I could be doing any… ALL of that. And when was the last time I was on AP.net? The PRP? Anything like that?
There’s no excuse.
I guess that’s my new year’s resolution, in a sense. A return to normalcy. We’ll see how that works out. We’ll know in 2008 if I’ve succeeded.
There are some phone calls I have to make, that I should and shouldn’t make.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
tongue in teeth.
As I was saying...
I've never felt Love like this before. The kind where every step matters; means something new. Every move you make actually generates some sort of response. Your mistakes (and to a greater extent, your shortcomings) are not just boring ways to keep you status quo. They're reasons to start to watch your steps even more. No one has ever made me watch my steps before. Not until now. I've always called and cried for my downfalls to be pointed out to me. I've begged for them. No one's ever had anything to say. I've always demanded some sort of challenge, whether it be in the form of creative struggle, or an interpersonal dynamic. I've always craved something that dared to kill me if it wouldn't make me stronger.
This much is true:
i've cried more in the past three months or so than i had in a year and a half. i guess in ways, it sounds sadistic. in some ways, i'm sure it just doesn't add up. but this is something that i've been wanting and needing for a long long time. someone who doesn't just roll with the punches... someone who isn't afraid to dish it out sometimes as well. someone whose actions speak volumes. they say, "are you even listening?"
Think about it.
I've always been so damn strong. At least, I always thought I was. Maybe it was just that I had never been put up against any real adversity. There is no way that I can not grow from something like this. And think about any other twenty four year old (knocking on twenty five) that needs to grow up more than I do.
Granted, this is just one angle of my life. This is just Love. There are still layers and layers of things that I want to take on. To fail at. To succeed on. To waste my time on. But this right here, this girl, is someone who can bite back. Someone who can remember. Someone who, really, I have no control over.
Someone who, despite all of this, still Loves me back.
Oh,
Paranoia Agent never got any better.
There's a Fairweather song that I'm putting on Mix #10 that I always forget about, but that means worlds to me.
Still Paradise
Try to pretend that everyone’s not dying here.
See this youth that’s draining out and drying up.
The color fades.
We decay and turn away.
Won’t you try and cover up all our lives.
Don’t you try?
You find yourself falling apart when there’s nothing wrong.
Breathe in breathe out this is the end of me.
Fall in fall out there’s nothing permanent.
But is it possible that things move on while we’re breaking down.
Just hold me close.
Don’t let me go until I’m alright.
Cover us up and walk away.
The bolded piece of that mattered so much to me two Wednesday nights ago, when I went shopping for Christmas gifts. I feel affected by it, touched by it, consoled by it, and guilty of it, all at once. That's how it works for me, anyway. Especially in this relationship I have going on.
I've put such high stakes on Her for one reason or another. And due to this, I'm constantly finding things wrong that aren't even wrong. I'm coming down on myself and therefore affecting the outward trajectory of my wordsemotionsactions. Another new feeling, and direction. I've never felt jealous like this before about the little bullshit that exists. Call it the fact that in my last relationship I was left for another guy because I gave the girl all the trust in the world. Again, though, maybe I was just too distant in that relationship for it to work. Regardless, I get scared to death of the little and big things. I overcompensate. I undercompensate. I think I do everything except be comfortable at my own level.
It's a huge mistake.
But I'm trying.
This might sound too philosophist, but I don't know how else to come across. Nothing is permanent except for yourself. Forget your legacy, because once you're gone, it can be tarnished. Once you're gone, and you've done all that you can that's all the permanence that you can handle. Make yourself the number one priority. Love yourself and allow others to love you only as much as you can feel that you deserve. Don't let anyone in who doesn't deserve you. You really are worth that much. Believe me. Whether you're home in your own town, surrounded by friends, and things and places to experience, and a family that loves you, or if you're in a completely distant city with nothing of interest to note, nothing stimulating within traveling distance, or any love to warm you, there will always be the choices that you make to get you to that next step. Anything and everything that you decide will get you to the next hilltop or valley. If you choose to not choose you have accomplished absolutely nothing.
I made a difficult choice. I left everything I knew to come to a place that I knew nothing about. I took a chance. I'm still taking it. Without it, I would have never found things about myself that I need to know. I never would have found things about others that they didn't even know they could have said. I never would have tested myself. I never would have known real loneliness. That genuine solitude that I needed to have that I thought I completely understood. I never would have known how to balance bills. How to learn to get by.
I never would have known my limits as far as a living partner goes.
This decision is going to last until July. That's when the lease here runs out. I'm not sure where that will lead me. I'm really not completely positive where I'll lay my head at the end of this ticking calendar. But I do know that I'll be here another seven months. In about ten days, I'll be halfway through my Miami stay. And whether I'm coming home to Long Island, or even New York in general, or if I'm going to West Virginia, or the west coast, or Europe, or Asia, that's something I'll probably start thinking about in May or April of 2007.
I'm sort of floating right now.
You guys knew that about me. Come on.
So, me and Rahul ended up talking for about an hour and forty five minutes last week. It was genuine quality. I loved it.
I'm calling Brian tonight, some time after nine.
I want to try to get in touch with Dave to hangout again sometime before Christmas.
Kerry called a couple times this weekend, but I haven't had a chance to get back at her. Maybe tonight after Brian.
Still nothing from Carissa.
It hurts.
We spent a week together. And then some.
And then, silence.
Um,
but we've been playing Paper Mario for Gamecube. It's a solid RPG. No garbage, nothing drawn out beyond where it should be. Just Mario doing mostly Mario-esque things in paper form. A lot of clever puzzles are strewn about. Plus, there are a ton of awesome Mario universe characters drawn in a new art form (nothing new to the Mario-verse; I mean, how many different iterations of Goombas have we seen?), my favorites being the different kinds of Bob-Ombs they've been throwing into the mix, a Koopa Troopa decked out in a spiky knight uniform, and the softened up Buzzy Beetle. And the boss characters do not disappoint.
New Nas track is out of control. Hit the myspace for that.
I finished reading Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?. It was definitely a good, tight sci-fi novel. It felt more like a short story, though, the way things didn't pan out to huge proportions. It was pretty much a bounty hunter carrying through his missions, and, as sci-fi always does, it touched upon several different real-life problems in its own way (morality, religion) via the book's characters, and world. It was a good read, and one that you can no doubt get through in a week if you were really to try. It's worth it.
I'm currently reading Bradley Hathaway's All the Hits So Far But Don't Expect Too Much: Poetry, Prose & Other Sundry Items. The kid apparently tours with bands, and does spoken word poetry. The big problem with him is he doesn't have a whole ton of talent. I know I have more. At least, yo, let me break it down like this. Reading his stuff doesn't come across like he has any skill. Maybe it's the way he speaks it, maybe it's the way his stage presence steals you. I'm just not sure. But he just isn't that good with his words.
This is the sort of thing that blows me away.
In my mind, I have a lot of stuff to offer people hungry for verbiage.
And then this kid has a book published.
And has toured.
Ambition/Inspiration/Initiative: 45,000
Me: 0
I've never felt Love like this before. The kind where every step matters; means something new. Every move you make actually generates some sort of response. Your mistakes (and to a greater extent, your shortcomings) are not just boring ways to keep you status quo. They're reasons to start to watch your steps even more. No one has ever made me watch my steps before. Not until now. I've always called and cried for my downfalls to be pointed out to me. I've begged for them. No one's ever had anything to say. I've always demanded some sort of challenge, whether it be in the form of creative struggle, or an interpersonal dynamic. I've always craved something that dared to kill me if it wouldn't make me stronger.
This much is true:
i've cried more in the past three months or so than i had in a year and a half. i guess in ways, it sounds sadistic. in some ways, i'm sure it just doesn't add up. but this is something that i've been wanting and needing for a long long time. someone who doesn't just roll with the punches... someone who isn't afraid to dish it out sometimes as well. someone whose actions speak volumes. they say, "are you even listening?"
Think about it.
I've always been so damn strong. At least, I always thought I was. Maybe it was just that I had never been put up against any real adversity. There is no way that I can not grow from something like this. And think about any other twenty four year old (knocking on twenty five) that needs to grow up more than I do.
Granted, this is just one angle of my life. This is just Love. There are still layers and layers of things that I want to take on. To fail at. To succeed on. To waste my time on. But this right here, this girl, is someone who can bite back. Someone who can remember. Someone who, really, I have no control over.
Someone who, despite all of this, still Loves me back.
Oh,
Paranoia Agent never got any better.
There's a Fairweather song that I'm putting on Mix #10 that I always forget about, but that means worlds to me.
Try to pretend that everyone’s not dying here.
See this youth that’s draining out and drying up.
The color fades.
We decay and turn away.
Won’t you try and cover up all our lives.
Don’t you try?
You find yourself falling apart when there’s nothing wrong.
Breathe in breathe out this is the end of me.
Fall in fall out there’s nothing permanent.
But is it possible that things move on while we’re breaking down.
Just hold me close.
Don’t let me go until I’m alright.
Cover us up and walk away.
The bolded piece of that mattered so much to me two Wednesday nights ago, when I went shopping for Christmas gifts. I feel affected by it, touched by it, consoled by it, and guilty of it, all at once. That's how it works for me, anyway. Especially in this relationship I have going on.
I've put such high stakes on Her for one reason or another. And due to this, I'm constantly finding things wrong that aren't even wrong. I'm coming down on myself and therefore affecting the outward trajectory of my wordsemotionsactions. Another new feeling, and direction. I've never felt jealous like this before about the little bullshit that exists. Call it the fact that in my last relationship I was left for another guy because I gave the girl all the trust in the world. Again, though, maybe I was just too distant in that relationship for it to work. Regardless, I get scared to death of the little and big things. I overcompensate. I undercompensate. I think I do everything except be comfortable at my own level.
It's a huge mistake.
But I'm trying.
This might sound too philosophist, but I don't know how else to come across. Nothing is permanent except for yourself. Forget your legacy, because once you're gone, it can be tarnished. Once you're gone, and you've done all that you can that's all the permanence that you can handle. Make yourself the number one priority. Love yourself and allow others to love you only as much as you can feel that you deserve. Don't let anyone in who doesn't deserve you. You really are worth that much. Believe me. Whether you're home in your own town, surrounded by friends, and things and places to experience, and a family that loves you, or if you're in a completely distant city with nothing of interest to note, nothing stimulating within traveling distance, or any love to warm you, there will always be the choices that you make to get you to that next step. Anything and everything that you decide will get you to the next hilltop or valley. If you choose to not choose you have accomplished absolutely nothing.
I made a difficult choice. I left everything I knew to come to a place that I knew nothing about. I took a chance. I'm still taking it. Without it, I would have never found things about myself that I need to know. I never would have found things about others that they didn't even know they could have said. I never would have tested myself. I never would have known real loneliness. That genuine solitude that I needed to have that I thought I completely understood. I never would have known how to balance bills. How to learn to get by.
I never would have known my limits as far as a living partner goes.
This decision is going to last until July. That's when the lease here runs out. I'm not sure where that will lead me. I'm really not completely positive where I'll lay my head at the end of this ticking calendar. But I do know that I'll be here another seven months. In about ten days, I'll be halfway through my Miami stay. And whether I'm coming home to Long Island, or even New York in general, or if I'm going to West Virginia, or the west coast, or Europe, or Asia, that's something I'll probably start thinking about in May or April of 2007.
I'm sort of floating right now.
You guys knew that about me. Come on.
So, me and Rahul ended up talking for about an hour and forty five minutes last week. It was genuine quality. I loved it.
I'm calling Brian tonight, some time after nine.
I want to try to get in touch with Dave to hangout again sometime before Christmas.
Kerry called a couple times this weekend, but I haven't had a chance to get back at her. Maybe tonight after Brian.
Still nothing from Carissa.
It hurts.
We spent a week together. And then some.
And then, silence.
Um,
but we've been playing Paper Mario for Gamecube. It's a solid RPG. No garbage, nothing drawn out beyond where it should be. Just Mario doing mostly Mario-esque things in paper form. A lot of clever puzzles are strewn about. Plus, there are a ton of awesome Mario universe characters drawn in a new art form (nothing new to the Mario-verse; I mean, how many different iterations of Goombas have we seen?), my favorites being the different kinds of Bob-Ombs they've been throwing into the mix, a Koopa Troopa decked out in a spiky knight uniform, and the softened up Buzzy Beetle. And the boss characters do not disappoint.
New Nas track is out of control. Hit the myspace for that.
I finished reading Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?. It was definitely a good, tight sci-fi novel. It felt more like a short story, though, the way things didn't pan out to huge proportions. It was pretty much a bounty hunter carrying through his missions, and, as sci-fi always does, it touched upon several different real-life problems in its own way (morality, religion) via the book's characters, and world. It was a good read, and one that you can no doubt get through in a week if you were really to try. It's worth it.
I'm currently reading Bradley Hathaway's All the Hits So Far But Don't Expect Too Much: Poetry, Prose & Other Sundry Items. The kid apparently tours with bands, and does spoken word poetry. The big problem with him is he doesn't have a whole ton of talent. I know I have more. At least, yo, let me break it down like this. Reading his stuff doesn't come across like he has any skill. Maybe it's the way he speaks it, maybe it's the way his stage presence steals you. I'm just not sure. But he just isn't that good with his words.
This is the sort of thing that blows me away.
In my mind, I have a lot of stuff to offer people hungry for verbiage.
And then this kid has a book published.
And has toured.
Ambition/Inspiration/Initiative: 45,000
Me: 0
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