kid, hum the bidding.

i just had the craziest flashback while standing and cleaning the kitchen. 

it was from a "cub/dad" weekend camping trip when my dad and i went camping with the cub scout troop i was a part of. it was the first or second night we got there. probably the first night. and we had gone to sleep and it was dark. probably around 8? 9? had to be somewhat early. and i remember going to sleep and waking up alone and there were voices far away. and i just had this recollection of walking across this field with all of these tents and getting closer and closer to where my dad was with all of these other guys, these other men and i remember seeing him and us interacting... i don't even think i knew what to say and/or i don't remember saying anything in particular. but then i remember going back to the tent alone and going to sleep.

i feel like this is a memory/moment that really [eventually] put into perspective what goes on in the world of People as opposed to Parents. i think about this moment from time to time i realize. and i wonder if he was embarrassed or if he was surprised or if he cared or if that ever crosses his mind. i wonder if he was just kind of hanging with these other Dad Dudes and feeling good about it. i've always seen my dad as kind of antisocial. mom and dad never had any friends as i got older, just members of the family they spoke to. no one who were "family friends". is that rare? are family friends real? 

anyway, now i'm thinking about when you're just trying to get away for a weekend and you meet this random set of people you'll never talk to again and you're just shit-hanging and maybe drinking, maybe smoking, who fucking knows. and this little kid comes up and is like "ummmm..." and what do you do? i'm in that position now. he's not MY kid, but he "is". and if i have someone over and we're shit-hanging and playing a game or talking bands.. and little man comes out and wants to have food or something, i'm cool with it. but i'm pretty social. if you're not social, does it affect that?

ALSO. who do i get this social vibrance from? is it my dad? there's no way. i don't think i get much from my dad at all, in fact. it took me a while to realize that i think i got my more creative side from my mom. i realized that my mom always wrote us letters. i think she has that drive to write. or at least that small seed that could have been nurtured into a more avid writer. she reads a lot. she has a love for Words. i wonder if she ever has realized it. or if she realized that I realize it. any of it. but i think if she were allowed to grow in a creative environment, i think she would have spun something really great. 

i know dad reads a lot as well. or read a lot. he's read a lot of those weird coming-of-age novels. henry miller and hesse. vonnegut. a lot of that older stuff. asimov sci-fi. really interesting to see where that. his mind is more of the left brain, science minded stuff? who knows. it's always been pretty easy to tell that i'm my mom. and my sister is my dad. everything is strange.