crust of indigo.

i woke up this morning at 3:30am because i was so stressed. that seems so ridiculous, to be stressed out over something so intensely that it rises you from your sleep. you're unconscious, but the rattling and humming still spins so loudly that you just can't remain underneath that wave for long enough to let it pass.

i'm 33 years old working a retail job that is IDEAL for college students. and maybe a little bit beyond that. maybe great also for those who are really interested in the gaming industry and the customer service industry and can really genuinely make an impact on a small to medium business and take home some pride with that. putting it that way, actually, it feels like that's something i could be a part of. i do what i do pretty well. i'm not the greatest at customer service from a standpoint of whittling down a message to the lowest common denominator and then slowly building a conversation and thereby a transaction from it, but i genuinely enjoy helping people out when they need help. the entertainment industry isn't anywhere near where you should be if you're looking to genuinely help anyone out. that's just the honest truth of it. they want to play a game [or change that with watch a movie, hear a song, read a passage, phrase, story, tome] and they want to enjoy a part of their life outside of what's holding them to the earth. is that important? yeah, man. is it crucial? no.

again, i'm 33. i don't want to do this anymore. i want to help people in need, regardless of what their past was and/or what their future is. i want to be able to find a need for someone and help them out. should i be dishing video games? nah man.

that stress is ultimately the trunk and body of the tree for which this branch is currently low reaching: my store is too small for the volume and inventory that we have to contain it. so it feels as if it is constantly bulging at the seams. never going to use this as an excuse to not keep the store neat, to not keep the store shoppable, to not keep the store manageable or to just let things fall by the wayside and say FUCK IT, WE'RE TOO SMALL. nah, man. that's a childish approach. i'm 33, man. i can't just let there be a reason that i can't do something hover there. i'm a human being and i have reason. i'm a problem solver. that being said, every box that i open involves shifting other things in the back that were already in a place because of the box that i opened before it. so it goes beyond filing and merchandising. it is constant problem solving. and that's an exhausting prospect. SO. those are my 45 hours every week. and then this week and next are ramped up hours and 6 day weeks so bring that up to 58 hours this week. that's not inherently the issue. that's just the lack of relief that i get from the problem. it's retail, man. you do it because you were put here to do it. it's never, really, actually, something that you are going to want to do unless you're running your own business. in that case, you can go ahead and laugh at my 58 hour week and say that it really must be nice to have that one day off.

thanks for all that you do, by the way.

THAT being said, yesterday we had a phone call telling us that our RM is coming in to the area and, obviously, they didn't want to talk about where they were going. i opened yesterday so didn't close the store or have any idea what the store will look like. then i close today so i'm not going to be there until 2. so will i miss him? maybe. will i walk into him being there? maybe.

the call also was primarily about P&L reports for our store. i'm going to be honest with you. i can walk an entire classroom through individual P&Ls. i can dominate that conversation. i understand it. i get it. i have it. i know it. if this were what the visit were about, great. but instead, see the previous few paragraphs. store is basically a tight squeeze. and coming from other stores region-wide that are probably in a better position to be in a better position to not be constantly changing to be kept at 0, then he might have a thing or two to say about the way the store looks as opposed to wanting to understand what the Manager is doing. Managing, you know? no? alright.

so. there's all that. just. work stuff.

i'm not happy in a job where i am mentally and operationally operating above what it looks like and also don't really care about the nature of the units that we're selling, just as long as we're moving the units. yeah? [just took this and tweeted it in a smaller fashion]

also, the fiance is sick and we're just hoping for it to get better. it's physical and constant. nothing i can offer or provide is making any difference.

mentioned this somewhat recently. 2015 has been dominated by playing video games. far cry 4 into the witcher into batman back into the witcher into mad max and then into fallout 4. entire year of just video games. i have passed on so many movies to see, books to read, places to see, new state to learn, a life to live in all of my free time.

so that then has become me thinking about 2016 [and then my new year's resolution?] or a good turning point when i want to start turning something around and becoming something different or someone the same but a better version of that and making people around me better because i'm better. bringing people up. bringing people around. having friends again. being someone more than who i am right now.

having ambition.
having goals.
having my new friends know that i want to write. that i write at all. that i write well. that at some point i was a dude with a lot of dreams and things i wanted to do and things i wanted to be and a growing individual.
instead now, i'm just some guy who hands out mixes and works at the game store.

i got a customer complaint a couple of weeks ago about customers saying that i was being childish and always treat them childish. that instead of just saying i didn't have an answer, i try to make up answers. this was from a new DM who i told, "hey. i'll take that for what it is. i can tell you that i don't act childish, but you wouldn't know that. i can tell you that i don't make up answers and will be the first person to say, verbatim, 'oh yo, i don't know man'. but you don't know me. so i'll take that as the first impression you have of me from a third person perspective, but in our two conversations, you know enough about me to know that i'm not going to defend myself here. it's all perception." he liked my response and he said that he absolutely doesn't think that i act childish and in the two conversations we've had, i definitely showed myself to be someone who clearly understands the position, the job, the company and a position a level above me. but he just wondered where that came from. is that stressful? am i on task anymore? naw man.

i had to finish a christmas gift for the fiance [which i finished this morning] and the process of doing that in my head was sort of daunting and i was wondering whether or not it was going to come across as a macaroni necklace or something that i'd be proud of. [having finished it, i like it a lot, but seeing it again when it's unwrapped may make all the difference]

my parents are old.

also, the thought that you will always think that there's more time. there's another day. there's time tomorrow. i'll do it next week. next day off i'll take care of it. when i'm done with this, i'll start that. you will never have enough time to do anything that you hope to do if everything that you hope to do is shifted back to make room for the stuff that you just happen to be doing. you/i should just be doing an equal amount of good and great and hopeful and i-can't-wait-to-do-this things, and catching up with friends and family because one day, everyone's going to be gone and you're going to miss all of them and all the things and you can read whatever fucking book you want when you're alone.

the best thing i'll ever be able to tell anyone about charleston, sc if i were to move tomorrow is that "downtown area was pretty cool. i never spent much time there. my fiance loved the beach. there was a lot of traffic." and for two years, for that to be all that i can show for it is fucking embarrassing.

i dono, man. i'm 33. is this stuff i should be stressed about?
maybe.
maybe not.
i just want to do something that makes a difference to someone else.