urkenheuim hotel.

for the first time in what seems like years, but could just be months, i've been able to take multiple days off and call it a 'vacation'. i've known about it for a while, but didn't book a trip anywhere. there were a few concepts i'd had but one of them is nothing but brash begging for disappointment, one was something i'd wanted to save for a friend and i which didn't work out, and the last requires a car for multiple days, something i'm not currently able to acquire. so it's just me and the world here, brooklyn and long island. all the missed and ignored media i've had for months. some writing i've done. some thought lines to unravel. performing, essentially, what the body does during sleep. the kind of maintenance that requires little effort but sets all the pieces into regiments. defragging.

the first day of my 'vacation', though, saw me at a hospital for a decent portion of the day as my mother was having some respiratory issues. she's a heavy smoker, super serious about the addiction, really fairly major part of her character, and it's starting to catch up to her. it's sad to watch all the things you hear about in books and commercials and television and knowledge in general being acted out directly in front of you as opposed to diagnoses and diagrams and stock footage. while she was in with the doctors getting a ton of tests and what not, she told me i could take her car and go do something else, go home, etc.

i went record shopping. picked up the new lupe fiasco, the new get up kids, radiohead's kid a, minus the bear's omni, a record by sunn0))), and liquid swords by GZA. sick pull. a week prior i'd picked up this is hell's weight of the world, the new earth record, glos' harmonium and the recently disbanded depreciation guild's spirit youth. i think i posted last week about wanting to have a collection to be proud of, etc. i guess that's something that constantly changes with your taste and your growth, but these records all seem to be solid solid pulls. i have two boxes of CDs that i have to go through to see what are actually pieces i still want in there. needless to say, i spent a ton of time with all of those. the new lupe record, lasers, is going to be massive. i'm trying to get as many plays through it as i can before it becomes ubiquitous. though lately, i'm very much barred from all of the outside influence. it took me a couple weeks of listening to kanye's track "monster" before someone told me that the single had been played to death. good news, i guess? i'm also starting to take bands a lot less for granted. where at one point, when i'd see a band taking off, i used to kiss them goodbye, sort of like a minor league manager would shake hands with an upcoming ace, knowing full well he'd never be through the system again. now i know i have to see them as much as possible, appreciate them as largely as i can before they disappear. it's becoming almost an epidemic, bands who are doing the right thing, pushing boundaries or at the very least steeping themselves deeply in quality ideas and influences, deciding to call it quits after all of their invested time doesn't yield the same kinds of rewards that they used to. the underground is almost nonexistant. all indie means is it's not completely massive yet. it's a weird industry. but braid has reunited, is doing their thing again and i'm very excited to catch them a few times in their second wind. same with the get up kids, and even glassjaw. important bands are answering the absence. that can't be all, though. can't have the same old stuff on repeat. classics are and always will be classics, waiting on a shelf or on a harddrive for us. but it needs to stay fresh. there needs to be progress. and with lupe's record, i feel that. there's a little more digging that has to occur. but i'm willing to do it. eyes on the liner notes. hungry, always. internet wise, i just saw a new youtube trailer for the lead singer from misery signals' new project called solace which sounds incredible. and the guy who did the song "black and yellow", wiz khalifa has a pretty dope mix tape called kush & orange juice which is somewhat viral right now. with all of my free time, i've had the chance to check it ALL out, in depth, give it solid listens. give it the respect it deserves. very excited. even rediscovered a band called sweek that does the whole russian circles/explosions in the sky thing rather well. their record the unbelievable cinematic crash from '05 is legit!

watched a decent amount of movies as well, so far. mala noche by van sant, mister foe with jamie bell and i just rented four lions, a movie from britain that actually satirizes terrorism. i remember seeing the trailer a while back and it looked great.

finished reading fahrenheit 451, and completed both little big planet 2 and killzone 3.

also, will be printing copies of MMX: THE MOLESKINES starting tomorrow.

off 'til monday.
stoked.

slave to the page.

in light of the so so many things that are happening in other places, for fuck's sake, i thank certain situations for crushing me to the point where i can now keep it together. you can take that on a worldly level or a personal level or a local level. it works on all of them. but i think if you're reading this, you know. cross your forehead, cross your lips, cross your hearts. amen.

i got asked to be on an album today. i met with a kid who i've been talking to who raps. i hadn't heard his demo, and i'm thinking, okay, it might be weak, but whatever. it can't be any worse than myspace.com/hiphopwannabes, and it can't be any worse, music-wise, than local artists who are constantly constantly sending LISTEN TO US messages around. so i scope this kid out, and he spits me some verses that aren't on his thing. and me, the resourceful one, takes out the damn composition book.

: what's this, all of your secret thoughts?
. ha, naw man, this is my book of rhymes, haha.
: oh shit, sorry nasir jones.
. aaight, give me a second.

i drank from a glass of water and made sure i had flexibility of the mouth.

: hahaha, you see this kid?
. aaight, man. here it is.

i gave him what i thought was some of my best stuff. as i'm reading it, my mind is going blank, writing new things, new places, new people, new characters, new pronunciations, and new ways to read old passages. to make things that've already happened and that people have already seen completely painted in new colors. i thought about a story i'm still trying to finish up. my mouth was doing the movement. before i knew it, i was done, and i slammed the book closed. for effect, mostly, but also, because i needed it to end. i'm only nervous just before and just after i read.

: i want you on my album.
. what man, really?!
: i want you on my album.
. dude, that's crazy. just like that?!
: i want you on my album.

that's the sort of thing i've been waiting around to happen for a while. what am i doing. hopefully that's the sort've effect i can have on more people than local rappers, but if this is as far as it goes, so be it. i'm looking at it as a hobby. it's never going to be a career. that's not why i do it.

however, getting so inspired by a mild success, i ended up writing and sending out a bunch of e-mails to a bunch of magazines, local and larger, to try to see if the success would come in avalanches. it won't. i'm not expecting any e-mails back.

dave said it best, though.
"sending e-mails out is better than NOT sending e-mails out."

i'm thinking about what's going on with my life, really, and i accidentally start thinking about people approving/disapproving of what i'm doing, and what i want to do. that's usually not the sort of thing i get all caught up in. but i have a lot of time on my hands here. it just creeps in sometimes. i think about certain things that i could say about anyone else doing what i'm in the middle of doing.

"so, he just went to florida to go? is there a job there? is there a girl there? is there anything there? oh. well, i mean, that's cool that he wants to do that... but, i mean, isn't it kind've pointless? what happens when he comes back? he left his job. they won't take him back. people usually get this sort've stuff out of the way by going away to school. he's out there not accomplishing anything. i could see if he was really living it up, and it was one big experience that he wouldn't forget, but it's just more life in another state." -- it goes on and on.

all of that stuff is the sorts of judgements i pass on myself. i can't even imagine the things that people who AREN'T me think. the people who don't have to set up walls between the things they say and the way they feel inside, because they can say the most painful things because they won't be hurting anyone but him. but me.

i'm trying to really not fall behind the ball here. i'm trying to get some moves in order. trying to make more than $20k/year, because i'm just not accomplishing very much. i have nothing to show for anything i've done, other than memories, and the way people feel about me. that, to me, is more valuable and rewarding than anything else that you can pickup behind a desk or a laptop or a counter or a steering wheel. but it's not going to keep you dry or memorable.

it's finally at the point where i've fallen the furthest behind my peers. officially. i don't want to keep up, necessarily, but i don't want to be completely obsolete.

i could talk like this forever, just until i start to make that difference.
it's time to make the believers get their ways, man.
it was cute for long enough.