What can we, of the city, do?

just a brief observation i made while walking from one room to the other today in our apartment/house. i can't believe how much has changed since two years ago. even just from a single year. i am home, off today. waiting until around three o'clock to pick up parker. not too worried about it or going to let it affect my day instead of getting bothered by it or even having that experience not exist. excited to watch playoff hockey on the ipad while the girlfriend and i watch a new episode of chopped. playing a video game sort of casually while listening to a bunch of new music that may have gone by the wayside. just taking it real easy. full of coffee and a positive energy. again, not all things are new and fresh and opposite. but the feeling of peace and serenity and overwhelming Home is more than i could have expected.

god in the wet dirt outside of kansas city.

wrote this dream on microsoft notepad and it crashed. as it was crashing, i took a picture with my phone. but it seems that i got most of it. it was days ago, so the beginning is shaky. the picture i took picks up in the middle of a paragraph. i don't remember what came before it, but it seems to start off in the beginning. i remember we were living in a city, and we were being led through these big check points, like toll booths in the beginning, like as we were going out of our houses, early on in the day. 

divided into two colors, orange and blue. and at no point did we know what those oclors meant, but we knew there were going to be differences. celebrities started coming in and being part of those teams as well. not teams, but sides. and you could tell camera crews were coming in as well. and filming dialogue with the celebrities but not letting us know what was going on. and when night fell it was almost like a scene from godzilla where there were buildings falling apart and explosions and earthquakes and everyone was running and being 'coraled' into this one office building. and we sat around in these big office lobbies. in an instant, a switch was flipped and the floor and the chairs and the walls became not glowing a certain color but you could tell what color it was. and you could also see what color each individual was. and anyone orange in the blue area was being shoved over the line, or hurt or killed. and i was hanging with my best friend and we didn't know we were different colors and i was trying to talk to him like, hey, it's just colors, who cares? and he was FULLY bought in. just walking away, totally not down with getting involved in an orange team member. and i went so far into that area that i was 'captured' not even touched or anything, just knew that i'd been captured. and to an audience, one of the celebrities said that i was going to be executed in front of all of them. and some were applauding, some were laughing, some weren't paying attention. … so I was put down on my knees with my hands behind my head like a ‘prisoner’ style. and this guy had this massive switchblade axe type weapon and he was going to slice my head off with it. but time ran out or something like that. so ‘at morning’, we all became uncolored again. so the show was over. but at night, the earthquakes would happen again and we would all have to resume our places again. and my friend was my friend again and I was having discussions with people about being executed. and I tweeted or facebooked about it and people were responding to it like crazy. and I started to feel ‘okay’ about being executed. the day was weird because the celebrities hung out with me and I was on tv on one of those good morning America shows on a couch, etc. and that was all a blur, like a memory. and I remember going into the ‘offices’ early and getting set up and people were walking by like “ohh there’s the guy” in a cool way, like I was an athlete or something. and the time came and we resumed our places and as I was about to be killed, I think I was getting rescued but the timing wasn’t working out. things were happening in the background and the peripheral, but no one was stopping the executioner, just the team around him. I either got killed or saved the moment I woke up.

stratastrophe.

i feel like with addiction,
there's got to be that weird stasis you hit where
NOTHING HITS THE SAME
and you feel awful and awful and awful about when the
first and second and third hit will just be priming you
for the supreme and metamorphasmic drip
that you finally surge through yourself.
but the exhaustion at that tipping point,
is it all worth the sale? the purchase?
circling down into the core of Need.

a good goddamn, the ability of swarm.

it was weird. all the lights in the bar were on and I had arrived and all was warm and familiar. like old friends. I'd never met a one. but all old friends, like high school graduate mates. but a bit detached. like they knew,e, thought more OF me. more exactly, they knew a friend that I'd dated. and I came back to see her but she wasn't around or she was. but in this dream I never saw her. I remember walking in and they gave over control of the music and the atmosphere. and all the drinks were free. one of those absolutely temporary moments and one that feels so invincible. I sat on the bar and watched the full room and drank a beer endlessly. cold and constant. 

the specific part I remember is her friend coming over. a whole new invention. small and shorter. shoulders. a white tee shirt. she was sad and missing someone and I never understood who but I understood it. He had left her. and I never Loved her but she was under my protection there and then. and I had her back. and there was no romance save that reserved for the lost. I just wanted her to be okay. and she sat on the bar with me, quiet. large sunglasses and silent. 

and we left the bar and she drove us to a house somewhere unimpressive. white porch, unclean. and the sun was coming up on the light blue slats. paint peeling. and I remember sitting on the step. sun rise like a film waiting to be made, all the right reds and oranges with the blue. a goddamn deep sigh that goes forever because he's gone. and for some reason I don't have a shirt on and she has a neck tattoo and still wearing he sunglasses and the tears. the I'm sitting and she's crouching behind me, her arms crossed and leaning on my back and her head rested on her arms and crying. and I'm just there for support and we're okay. 

fastening the ship to the fleet.

i feel like i shy away from conversations that go from intro/beginner tier to intermediate/knowledgeable tier because the level of competitiveness in those conversations can be more overwhelming than the amount of shared information and helpfulness and reason that goes into them. at least in my experience. forget expert level. that's just where people to go masturbate or piss.

i guess this could be mostly pointed out on the internet, because where else can you really REGULARLY go to speak your mind on topics? the most ready example i have is a music group that just popped up on facebook that i got included in. there's so much that i want to speak about, but only one of them is a friend and the rest are friends of friends. so if i go in and start just wielding all of these opinions and throwing down general input on different artists, i'm already perceiving that i'm coming across as knowledgeable to a fault. that could just be my own nature of perception of others clouding my perception of how others perceive others. i think the syntax of that sentence holds up. what i'm trying to say is maybe it's just me.

same goes for anything hockey related or video game related. once i step outside of the realm of people who know and understand my voice i start to feel like i'll be seen as the person i was in middle school/high school which was a sort of forceful know-it-all who tried to prove that i knew a lot about subjects i knew nothing about through reference, posturing and "conversational logic equations". awful. so now i've learned about that part of my Self and have been very toned down about how i approach revealing my opinion outside of my groups of friends who know what i mean. but ALSO, i've been compensating for that part of my personality by being COMPLETELY nonpartisan in so many conversations that i actually do have a leaning towards. the one thing i've gained out of that style of conversation or interaction is that i leave all of the negative opinions out of it. it's never helped anyone. even now when i hear negative opinions about something it frustrates or embarrasses me for them. going back to the music discussion, there are times i wanna lay in and be like "that band is honestly more wack than i have ever heard. how are people listening to this and then bringing it with them?" but what's that going to do. are they going to change their opinion? a decade ago, fifteen years ago, yeah, i honestly think i thought people would rethink their stance. now, i more or less take a higher road where i want to ask "hey man, i don't think i get it. what song(s) or what other bands are you listening to that got you into that? i think i need a stepping stone." same thing happens with sports, but the nature of the conversation is always competition so i'm always instantly disappointed when someone brings competition into it because obviously i'm the outsider there. it's fine.

i would love to 'escalate' my interactions on these types of subjects that i actually have a knowledge about. not only to learn more on the subjects but just to get proven wrong a little bit. learn that a few people might talk some cool shit and be willing to hear me out and learn something. i know i have a lot to offer and with my current surroundings and current job, i don't think i'm teaching anybody anything, which is something i've always sort of gotten a big rush from.

you gotta feel good, man.

kid, hum the bidding.

i just had the craziest flashback while standing and cleaning the kitchen. 

it was from a "cub/dad" weekend camping trip when my dad and i went camping with the cub scout troop i was a part of. it was the first or second night we got there. probably the first night. and we had gone to sleep and it was dark. probably around 8? 9? had to be somewhat early. and i remember going to sleep and waking up alone and there were voices far away. and i just had this recollection of walking across this field with all of these tents and getting closer and closer to where my dad was with all of these other guys, these other men and i remember seeing him and us interacting... i don't even think i knew what to say and/or i don't remember saying anything in particular. but then i remember going back to the tent alone and going to sleep.

i feel like this is a memory/moment that really [eventually] put into perspective what goes on in the world of People as opposed to Parents. i think about this moment from time to time i realize. and i wonder if he was embarrassed or if he was surprised or if he cared or if that ever crosses his mind. i wonder if he was just kind of hanging with these other Dad Dudes and feeling good about it. i've always seen my dad as kind of antisocial. mom and dad never had any friends as i got older, just members of the family they spoke to. no one who were "family friends". is that rare? are family friends real? 

anyway, now i'm thinking about when you're just trying to get away for a weekend and you meet this random set of people you'll never talk to again and you're just shit-hanging and maybe drinking, maybe smoking, who fucking knows. and this little kid comes up and is like "ummmm..." and what do you do? i'm in that position now. he's not MY kid, but he "is". and if i have someone over and we're shit-hanging and playing a game or talking bands.. and little man comes out and wants to have food or something, i'm cool with it. but i'm pretty social. if you're not social, does it affect that?

ALSO. who do i get this social vibrance from? is it my dad? there's no way. i don't think i get much from my dad at all, in fact. it took me a while to realize that i think i got my more creative side from my mom. i realized that my mom always wrote us letters. i think she has that drive to write. or at least that small seed that could have been nurtured into a more avid writer. she reads a lot. she has a love for Words. i wonder if she ever has realized it. or if she realized that I realize it. any of it. but i think if she were allowed to grow in a creative environment, i think she would have spun something really great. 

i know dad reads a lot as well. or read a lot. he's read a lot of those weird coming-of-age novels. henry miller and hesse. vonnegut. a lot of that older stuff. asimov sci-fi. really interesting to see where that. his mind is more of the left brain, science minded stuff? who knows. it's always been pretty easy to tell that i'm my mom. and my sister is my dad. everything is strange. 

the sober moment, an apartment fire.

i went back and read a story/memoir that i'd written years ago about a break up. and i can't believe how sharp some of the points still are. but i remember the people involved. me and her. and i remember them as characters. they're no one. they don't matter to me. but the events and the things that occurred within that life are so authentic and surreal to me. 

there's a couple of things:

- it still reads like the voice that i generally write in. so there's something about that that feels like it doesn't need a translator or a period of time to pull those words together. i don't have to sit back and understand it. i don't have to figure out if i believe it or not. i don't give a shit if i buy it. there's something in there that i feel. 

- that experience of the breakup... that particular breakup... was the defining moment in my life that took me from who i was to the very beginnings of who i am. there's even video of me during that time that i look back on and kind of don't get. i don't understand who that person is or was trying to be. well. i kind of get it. there's an ego there that i don't respect. there's an ego there that's never been checked. also, an ego that's unfounded. someone that became a character in his own head that deserved way more clout than he had assumed. even now, i know i have an ego and i have a strong bravado of a narcissist. and that's fairly repugnant. i get pretty tired of it. but there's a HEAVY sadness that has come with that learning experience that opened up the deep end of the pool. and even if i don't linger in it, i respect that it exists. 

-----

as a music listener, if i didn't make mix cds, i wouldn't listen to anywhere near as much new stuff as i do. and i really enjoy that chase. to say "i don't care" who listens to it is a shitty lie. but to also say that that's completely why i do it is wrong as well. i'm glad that i have a series of mix cds that i've built on my own from other people's work and then shared with people. i think this process helps me keep a part of me alive that i will always miss the tail end of. /// even making end of the year lists keeps me listening to new music that comes out during the current year. 

as a blogger, i'm not sure what i would be without the many different voices i try to compartmentalize in different URLs. this blog, the games blog, the music blog [RIP], and even a new entertainment blog that i'm doing with the girlfriend. these are all individual exhibits that have NOTHING to do with each other. and i think even as characters, they'd truly annoy and bother each other at a party. 

i don't know. 

"fault."

"

how do you not write something down in a small, personal notebook once a day? you worry about what other people will think when you write it. even down to the smallest little monologue about veterans or war. you HAD that thought. it happened. and it spiraled off into nowhere. just jot it down. it's frustrating that you don't write it down anymore. audience ruined everything. this is the third stream of consciousness you let change from smoke to smoke in the past month. IT'S THERE.

baby out with the bath water.


"

talked to a friend on the phone yesterday for almost an hour. felt incredible, like i was alive and throwing real opinions at real listener. and getting tactile feedback. and hearing opinions back. learning and teaching. it felt important on that scale. it felt like the friendships i miss. no small talk. no talking about real stupid life without attaching things overly large or overly small. everything a fairy tale or a joke or a way for us to understand each other. not making the tragedies digestible. not making the stupid things we think anything less than cosmic.

you wonder why.

Albums of the Year, 2014.

The Others

can we just talk about...

Pvris – White Noise I heard about this record almost by accident through a user on instagram. something simple, like a picture of the album cover and “I can’t stop listening to this album.” you know, you think, “let me see what their biggest song is and see if I can vibe with it.” I’m always trying to see what people like, constantly trying to devour and understand what people are digging. and once I threw this album, I kind of had that same experience.  I ended up listening to the entire record all the way through, loving at least one part of ever y track. it has a bunch of stuff going on in it that I have liked before, but I think the way singer Lyndsey Gunnulfsen belts out some of those notes with the rough and powerful punctuation, it makes the catchy and poppy parts that much better. it helps you to believe it. great record, man. glad it was introduced to me. I would have completely missed it.

&

Taylor Mcferrin – Early Riser yo this is bobby mcferrin’s son. and it’s true, the best way to set this up is exactly how it was set up for me. it’s simple, but important. “it isn’t what you’d expect.” I mean, just based on where he’s probably come from, I assumed his influences would be somewhere in R&B? soul? singer/songwriter jazz scat? naw man. this is some really low frequency, bed of static, easy easy lo-fi. it’s well put together, and very very smart. I’m not sure if the quality of it sits ENTIRELY on the fact that I was surprised it was what came from Bobby’s son. I really think that might have a lot to do with it. but this is definitely a record I’m VERY glad I didn’t miss. a great background record. early morning commute, late night nod off.

&

Lydia Ainsworth – Right From Real it might be the voice. that might have been what initially pulled me in. but then on the full record, hearing the swelling and shattering songs and the way that things were being pulled in so many different directions really won me over. disco ball reflecting strobes on acid in slow motion. there are some really surprisingly bassy tones used on the record that set up a bunch of truly incredible beds for this record to play it’s upper range stuff on. and I think at times, that juxtaposition gives you a pretty proper feeling. like skating for the first time or something. there’s something about this album that has a Brit Marling feel for me, if that makes any sense. a completely involved work, hands on everything, making sure everything is completed to perfection. some really cool moments that focus on music as going beyond song. 

i think i get it but i need help

Run the Jewels – 2 this is dope. I’m into it. I need… like… NEED a hip hop rejuvenation in my life. I want something new. the problem for me with the genre is that I’m not “good” at listening to lyrics. I can’t remember them, I can’t understand them sometimes. not “understand” in terms of unable to decipher what they were referring to. but more like I just hear a blend of words and sounds that sound like OTHER words and sounds. but this record has such cool production. so unique, so completely different than anything else out there right now. it’s so real and modern. is that how we talk about a rap album today? I DON’T KNOW. I can’t find myself coming back to this often. it feels uncomfortable for me at times, but in an okay way. I remember listening to this a few times and being like, “oh… oh wow.” undeniable impact on me. but I want to hear or read someone else talk to me about it. tell me about the things that make this important and quality. because I know there’s not JUST  a surface here. it’s been showing up on a bunch of top 10 and top 50 lists all at the end of this year. it’s so good. plus the de la rocha track? so sick to hear him come back.

how is this only two tracks??

Lifted Bells – Lights Out oh, cool. bob nanna is putting something out into the world? these guitars, my god. any project he’s involved in, I feel like there’s something about the guitars that remind me of the way lights look on a highway through a rain covered windshield. they’re so all over the place. somehow one note slides into another completely different one. maybe that, maybe it’s just so fast. but this ep is two dope tracks and by the time it’s over I’m already missing it. 5:46 isn’t long enough.

i meeeean…

Death Grips – Niggas On the Moon i don’t know what to say about this record. ALSO. extremely unique and weird. it’s almost hard to listen to if you’re paying too much attention to. like trying to wonder why you have cotton mouth when you smoke or trying to figure out if that girl was actually just looking at you when you’ve been drinking. you have to sort of let it go. you’ll find yourself in this album a lot. you’ll find this album in you a lot. it sounds like found footage. it’s really good and without a doubt, completely interesting. has that CAN’T LOOK AWAY vibe.

&

Swans – To Be Kind I promise I like this album! getting into it took some time. but I heard some really incredible moments and some of the weirdest, soul opening sounds that I couldn’t have found anywhere else. felt like cold soil under rocks and shadows in freezing caves that are found in sweltering deserts. but the vocals seem to completely remove me from the experience. like people talking in a movie theater. or the friend who a friend brought along who is trying to butt into the big boy film conversation. actually, that friend is probably usually me. but I just want to know more and I’m sorry. but I have had this album on a few times and have been pulled deeper into it than I’d originally expected, but I’m still getting used to the vocals kind of like a new last minute emergency roommate.

The Top Ten (the playlist)

yo. I have no defense. I would love to discuss any and all of these. I hope you all listened to stuff out there that you enjoyed to the point of needing to text any and everyone who might understand about certain clumps of seconds within songs. these are what got me there. would love to hear what got you anywhere.

10. Angus & Julia Stone – Angus & Julia Stone

I heard a song from these two as my introduction to them via spotify radio that had been playing for about an hour or two, cultivating from thumbs ups and thumbs downs that I can’t even remember to what. But when I heard the track, I really took note of it. I think I wrote it down in the same moleskine I’ve been trying to fill for the last two years. just a quick note. I think it was just the song title. I remember pointing out a track via the wrankmusic facebook.. maybe? and Brian pointed out that they’d done some other great stuff individually. really the first time I’d ever heard of these guys and it makes a lot of sense. the songs on this record show a lot of years of knowing how to play off of each other in imperfect melodies and harmonies. it reminds me a lot of a more constructed version of the EP from Armistice that came out a few years ago. simple folk songs with romantic lyrics. and this isn’t really the type of music I’m into either. but the record sits in a special place and really captured a lot of what 2014 became for me. the second half of this year was really marked by falling in love in a whole new and liberating way. and this record always seemed to represent the soundtrack to that. I think the one thing I can say that the album “suffers” from is that it goes on for what seems like forever. which I’ll tie right back into the “falling in love” thing. a lot of times, it’s great when you’re going through it but for anyone else to have to hear about it time and time again can be a bit much. but still. this record has a timeless quality to it. not the kind of thing I’m used to being into all the time.

Important Tracks: Heart Beats Slow, Wherever You Are, Other Things

9. Code Orange – I Am King

I’m really happy about this record. it’s just punishing. and sludgy and heavy and hard. I don’t know if the band always wants this pointed out, but the singer is a girl and that makes it feel THAT much heavier and frantic to me. but yeah. just heavy notes ringing out and dragging themselves across the speakers. so good. the record has some of those parts that are just so deep and miserable you can’t help but laugh. a lot of face palms. it feels good to see a band develop into this, even dropping the “code orange kids” moniker and just going for it. I haven’t been looking in a lot of the right places, really, but it’s really good to see a band doing stuff like this again. it feels fresh, although it’s more or less doing stuff that I was getting hype about eight to ten years ago. this sound just makes me happy. they’re doing it right. this record makes me want to watch videos of people fucking with the lions when they think the cages are locked. Some really cool moments where you can really hear the guitar being recorded in a studio, in the room. And I’m not sure if that’s ever something you want to come across in any other genre but this. even down to the track “Bind You” it reminds me of just how unfinished and… not great a band can sound while still conveying how great they WANT it to sound. is that a fair assessment? Just an album that makes me feel good. hell yes.

Important Tracks: Dreams In Inertia, I Am King, Starve

8. Taylor Swift – 1989

These are some of the best pop songs written this year. Catchy as hell. Danceable. The lyrics are VACANT for the most part. completely empty and next to impossible to care. But despite all of that, listening to this album I can’t believe how many tracks in a row I actually enjoy all the way through. I almost don’t know who I am while I’m listening to this record. I feel like I’m trying to find a key in my jewelry box to open my diary to write with a gel pen while laying on my stomach and looking at all of the pictures I have hanging around my stupid vanity mirror. I feel like I’m drawing hearts around boys’ names. it’s such a distinctly FEMALE record. I can’t imagine Steve Cuocci walking up to me and being like, “YO. 1989 IS SECKKKKKK.” I think they could probably do a really heavy drop, trap or dub version of Bad Blood. I just think it’s set up for it. And I think the track Wildest Dreams might be a better Lana Del Rey track than Lana did on her own record. I dono. This record is great, dude. Get over it. I think I wanna see Tay live now. SHRUG. NBD.

Important Tracks: Style, All You Had to Do Was Stay, I Wish You Would, I Know Places

7. My Iron Lung – Relief

this record gets its strengths from the moments that can be found in the thick. and just how smart and well placed those moments are. silences and single lines that show up in the middle of a throng of the shouting. records like this seem to speak in a specific voice. and it’s all very obviously influenced and inspired by each other. the guitar tone, the chords, the pattern of the vocals. but what sets these bands and records and songs apart are the knowledge of when to stop and when to start, when to let the notes do the work. to let momentum carry you forward instead of raw force. and those things are what separate this genre from more aggressive ones. where some other records on this list are enjoyable like a road trip or a film, this one is more of a roller coaster or an episode of television. there’s more nuance than phase. the distinction of this record is the things that it makes me feel.

Important Tracks: Commonwealth, In Defense of Drowning

6. Thom Yorke – Tomorrow’s Modern Boxes

one day, I’m walking back from a break at work and flipping through the last few pages of my RSS feed and see thom yorke’s name pop up. and I see that he’s releasing a record TODAY via bit torrent and has dropped a track. I peek in the window of the store and there’s a line, but I don’t care. I stream the new track while leaning up against the wall outside and NEED the rest of the album right away. it’s a strange thing that Thom does with his music. it never goes beyond a really solid and strong hum. it’s sits in the pocket and just delivers at top notch quality FOREVER. it always speaks to you a bit more clearly on headphones, and it’s not to say that most music doesn’t, but it’s almost the difference between watching someone on TV and then meeting them in person. you see a little bit more marks and the height and weight are different and more correct. I think this record definitely brings to light the fact that he dabbles in the DJ scene. and most radiohead songs are built upon the spinal columns of drum loops that tend to run the same from beginning to end. and these songs work similarly, in that there’s a bed of samples that persist throughout the individual tracks. the loops become hypnotic. there’s even moments on the record that are constantly and gradually building into a climax that you didn’t know was a climax until it passes. purposely destroyed piano chords. it’s just really a mastery of timing and restraint. sometimes I even wonder where he comes up with the pattern at which he’s going to sing, almost the same way we decide how we’re going to ask someone to get down off of a ledge. and of all of the lines in this record, the ones that could potentially have incredible impact on you, I can’t ignore the one that feels the most powerful: “oh my god; oh my god.” as I mentioned earlier in my description of ‘run the jewels’, I don’t often hear words in lyrics, but sounds and human voice. and this record almost embraces that concept perfectly. thank you.

Important Tracks:  A Brain In a Bottle, Guess Again!, Truth Ray, Pink Section

5. Fairweather – Fairweather

longterm ongoing theme: yours truly being terrified of his favorite bands releasing records. fact. this was possibly one of the biggest ones. favorite band dropping a new record for the first time in a decade? I mean, there are so many different ways it can go. they can try to keep up with the times and lose their identity. they can be too mired down in their old style to really grow. it can be missing identity altogether. NOPE. this record came through as something just as special as everything they’d done before it. it was the next logical musical step for the band, based on their previous timeline. even without putting years on the records that came out, you can watch how they got to this very place. you can see these songs fitting perfectly into a live performance of their old material. it all works. it speaks directly to me. it affirms why this band is the band that I answer who my favorite band is almost immediately. I don’t know, man. this record feels like a celebration. it doesn’t feel like a reunion or a release after a hiatus. it feels right. the guitar tone still has that really full control, that really warm vintage sound. I understand how this description might feel a little pale. I’ll explain the best I can in this way. if a friend takes a photo, or writes a book or makes a film and you watch it and you’re genuinely impressed or moved or just completely engulfed by it… it might not even be something that would be considered for an award outside of that shallow little circle, but for your world, you just cannot believe that something like THIS rested inside someone you knew.

Important Tracks: Carte Blanche, Clear Skies Full Sails, Last Words

4. The War On Drugs – Lost In the Dream

This record spreads itself so widely and beautifully across any landscape. It’s so broad and serene and calm. I used to listen to it in the early to mid part of the year when it was still pretty cold (for here) and would commute some really early mornings. The consistent, rolling vibe of this record made it smooth over seamlessly. It’s what I picture and envision while I listen to this record. It recreates that exact feeling of travel and the calming value that it can have on you. Even the down time on this record fills itself with hashmarks to pay attention to. This seems like a work that Granduciel continued to come back to and filled any empty corners, smoothed down any wrinkles or even made any cracks deeper or any blemishes dirtier. While a lot of the themes seem to be pretty forlorn and from a negative space, the pace of it all and the consistency of it seems to have a positive vibe to it. Every song, while most of them pretty lengthy, seem to have a need to be heard all the way through. There’s a post rock vibe to all of it. Really big and majestic. Lots of the little notes meaning grand things. This is definitely another great headphones record. it’s a really big endeavor and it feels like 70s novel covers in outer space. there’s a lot to like about it.

Important Tracks: Under the Pressure, Red Eyes, Eyes to the Wind, The Haunting Idle

3. Phantogram – Voices

Such a dope band. Their sound is already really cool, very fresh. Boldly modern. These are all weird magazine quotes, though. It’s true, they have a lot of the sound that you would want to advertise in your crispy media. But the sound is so on point. There’s the crunchy electro beats. The way Sarah’s vocals sound like the mouthpiece to a future where the robots are beautiful and the way the synths are round and direct and deliberate. It’s such a forceful record. When the record first dropped, I bought it based on their capability and skill. I knew I liked them. But what this record did was really take them to a whole new level. This is the kind of music I want to be listening to deep into my adult years. It’s so grounded and foolproof but also has a lot of that new crunch and that future sound to it that keeps me fresh UNTIL death. I feel like this record could be performed with such diverse yet similar reactions and emotions in both a massive venue or a small intimate showing. really layered and textured sounds here. I think the production is really king on here. and Fall In Love is probably one of my five favorite songs to be born all year. A lot of dance in this record, too. And what initially gets you interested, all of the elements that made this album a flashy and outwardly attractive listen in the first place starts to speak in its own language down the home stretch with songs that take themselves more seriously but use a lot of the same repurposed tools for more mature and sober and forlorn tracks. feels violently sad and uncomfortable, made even more prickly by the minimal lyrical content. This is just a great listen all the way through. Universal but not vague.

Important Tracks: Black Out Days, Fall In Love, My Only Friend

2. Every Time I Die – From Parts Unknown

the first words on this record are “Blow your fucking brains out.” Thank god. Pulling absolutely no punches, wanting everyone and everything, including yourself obliterated. Listening to Every Time I Die used to bring me back to listening to “Gutter Phenomenon” for 8 straight months, but now will always bring violent visions of their show in Brooklyn where Jeff Roche broke his nose. forever. and any time I hear a song, I will try to think if their song will make sense in that battlefield. and every moment of this record makes sense as a prisoner in this vision. These songs are warriors. “Love is the only way out.” Fuck. Sometimes there are moments in songs, especially for people like me who can’t understand what in the name of God anyone is saying, where lyrics stand out and freeze you in your tracks. And this record might hold the record for just those moments. And while “Decayin’ With the Boys” has no distinct lyrical content, the misery and joy that it brings me is almost too much. It just feels too good. Too much like a record that only this band can pull off. It’s almost funny, but brutal and with hooks, but catchy and deadly. And I say funny not in a way that they’re telling jokes or being overly sarcastic or tongue in cheek. Because they are at times. But there are moments in this record that I can’t believe they went as heavy as they went, or as funky as they went. Some bands wouldn’t be able to handle some of the tight turns that these guys pull, but they do it flawlessly. It makes more and more sense the deeper their library goes. So many of their songs sound like sand running terrified through an hourglass. And what can be said about Moor that hasn’t already been said? I feel like I could write several pages of comparison and visions I get from it. I’ll start with THIS visual, though: the last time I listened to it on my own in an empty room, the best way I could explain the way that I was dancing to it was to conjure memories of Jonathon Davis a la Korn. It sounds like a house that despite its endless company will always seem abandoned. It sounds like standing in a circle of feeding vultures. How dark can a song like this get? Even the piano sounds broken. “All I want is is head and this horrible world will be wonderful again. There’s so much beauty and love and when I eat his beating heart I can bring it back to us.” FOR FUCK’S SAKE. It like the Bill the Butcher of songs. It serves as a glorious centerpiece for the rest of these tracks that are some of the darkest the band has thrown into the world. This record seems fully deliberate and faster than a lot of their more recent work and it feels like a massive personal release for them. Not that they’ve ever come across as holding anything back, but there’s something immediate about all of it. There’s a weird personality to this band that comes out in so many of their songs. It might be the guitar tones, it might be the sardonic lyrical content, or it might be the fact that you just KNEW there would be a full piano slide in a song as punishing as El Dorado. I hate pointing this out, but this is the band you want to be out partying with just to push yourself to the limit. Still talking about El Dorado, they use a riff that represents that Harley Davidson as a spirit animal without coming across as ironic, and then without building into it, goes into YET ANOTHER completely different type of “I think I’ve heard this progression before but DO NOT GIVE A FUCK” stomp out. This record just feels fun. And I can’t tell if I’m starting to sound like a Radiohead fan, but with this band, you start to understand the language they’re speaking with every new record and every new move they make. There’s a history being built here. And it’s where I want to live.

Important Tracks: Decayin’ With the Boys, Moor, El Dorado, Idiot

1. La Dispute – Rooms of the House

I literally LAUGHED (and still laugh) at this band’s last record. Something was so silly about all of it. Its spoken word parts felt so clunky and like those moments where friends would invite you to see their bands at these cheap little bands and you’d stare wide eyed with some other guest you’d brought. But this record helped me understand what everyone else was seeing. The honesty and the narrative of the lyrics and the way that the writing style was capturing a specific age and transformative period. A lot of this record, ironically, is lyrics and descriptions of hesitant moments. And for the most part, as you’ve read, NAWDAWG, it ain’t me. One strange thing about listening to this record is that I started to really become acquainted with it the way you become close with favorite books or magazine voices or your favorite films. And I found that two of the songs on this record felt like some of the most strongly written, dare I say, PERFECT songs that I’ve heard in a long time. One of them being the third track, Woman (In Mirror). And I certainly can’t be sure what it is about this track that makes me feel an unbelievable wave and flush of nostalgia. But also, there’s something restrained and completely bared on this track. There’s not all that much happening in it and so much of it is a sound on repetition. But it strikes a chord in me, all of it ringing out in harmony. Nothing in this track wants your attention, but instead in its humility, it demands it. And what this track and the next really sticks is that the guitar tones never have to be tweaked and turned all the way up to remind you that it’s a song. So much of this record feels comfortable and feels like books that have been on your shelf forever. Oddly, for the number one record of the year, there’s nothing that so much of it takes over the landscape around you and has songs that you want to REALLY show people 30 seconds of and wow them. With this one, it’s the one you mail to a best friend and really hope they find the message that’s been tied to it. And yeah, there are parts of this record that are flawed and still feel like songs you’d walk away and order a drink during. Like the song where Jordan Dreyer says he’d “rather be the mayor of splitsville than suffer your jokes again”… or the ENTIRETY of the track “Extraordinary Dinner Party”. The latter of which is one that is an ongoing joke between the girlfriend and I where an artist embarrassingly details their visit to a gas station or takes a poop or plays basketball with friends, thinking that the revelation into a personal life just brings you close enough to TRULY believe the artist, but instead sounds like the journal of a 14 year old. I was driving home lost from a town over an hour away with no data available on my cell phone and was exploring this record the entire time, and the track “35” is the first one that REALLY jumped out at me as something to truly pay attention to. It wasn’t lyrics the way we often think of them, but instead what felt like a piece of micro fiction about a bridge collapsing and the parties involved. Just really caught me off guard with what I was hearing. There’s something about this record that makes me want more, that makes me want to continue turning this channel on. I don’t even know if these are songs I want performed live. I think it might only exist in these moments, in solitary car rides or with the headphones on while sitting drinking coffee and writing letters. Spiraling conversations where there is time to kill and we might never see each other again. And songs like “Stay Happy There” are perfect examples of that. It goes by being in one voice and in one pace without really knowing the song is even happening. And “The Child We Lost in 1963” has something enormously heavy about it, like forcing a friend to talk about something they’ve always mentioned they’d never explain or share. There’s a space between the trajectory of the song where you feel you get a look into the writer’s intention, where you get a look into the narrator’s thesis that really take my breath away. And the instruments drop away thoughtfully and just kind of “get it”. And the track is followed appropriately by “Woman (Reading)” another one of those songs that somehow I’ve found to be one of those perfect songs, like the way snow can capture someone’s distinct footprint, someone’s distinct voice, and your entire year if stepped and forgotten in just a precise way. Even writing this, I know there are ways that other listeners won’t hear anything even remotely close to this, but I know I’m in that constant hum that people can find in their favorite songs, or with their favorite people that they can relate to in a specific way. The way that things in your brain and your heart and your soul align perfectly to frame the moments that you’ll never forget. Whether it’s songs that you love or paintings you’ve found or letters you’ve received or nights that you’ll always remember. It’s the decimal that fell appropriately and despite the chaos. Yeah. That’s the kinds of moments that this record brings for me. Somehow, I feel like it gets me. And the final track, “Objects In Space.” It just feels like every moment that friends have spoken about, even that I’ve spoken about, when we dissect a weekend, a week, a year with another person. And we just say, “fuck.” All of us. Just “fuck.” How did we survive that. How did you tell that? How did I just hear that and be okay with that? “Fuck.” The realest, most boring, least exaggerated, brutally honest… the real essence of hope being extracted from history. Just being sad. Living in full, blooming trajectory and then suddenly having to redefine ALL of it. Hearing about how questions became fights became breakups became revelations. “Fuck.” Things we’ve said, places we’ve visited, things we’ve found. “Fuck.”

Important Tracks: Woman (In Mirror), The Child We Lost in 1963, Woman (Reading), Objects In Space

a hot breath.

it's depressing.
I have to make a concerted effort to get out of the house more on my days off. because really, it feels like a chore. I'm feeling shut in. I'm not even talking about going for a walk or stretching my legs. not even for anything health related. just life related. thinking about any moment that I'm not working I want to be home and when I'm home, barely wanting to move.

it's not right. it's not Right.
it's not healthy.

mix xxv. send fire, good god the offering.

mix xxv. send fire, good god the offering.

miley cyrus – wrecking ball (caked up remix) i want to open up with this statement: NO ONE is better at dancing to this song than me, alone in my living room while no one is home. [this statement written BEFORE proof was leaked onto the net on instagram. jus’ sayin’.] hands down. that being said, a coworker introduced me to the caked up dudes. and while I really like what they’re doing, the treatment works so much better when you’re familiar with the track that they chopped up. and this track right here is one that I ended up really liking off of miley’s record. she nudely catapulted herself into the spotlight and into the eyes of so many who never would have otherwise even taken a look. and that’s a feat. this song sounds best when the bass is turned higher than it should be, and the beats are giving you a massage and you’re annoying neighbors or others in traffic. this song sets me off. hype.

their/they’re/there – new blood this is a track that had such an incredible noodly positive vibe that I had to throw it on here and early. it gets a little bit of that “downerhood” somewhere halfway through, but what compilation of mine wouldn’t? evan weiss is one of the most constant and hardest working dudes in all of music right now, and the fact that he jumped into a project with mike kinsella got me so stoked. and their work shreds. I really like what they’re doing there. but this song is one of those moments that in the opening of it all gave me chills. june? September? that type of weather. not enormously hot or sweaty. sun and green. I do a weird dance in the beginning of this track that’s kind of like a guy in a tim & eric video, along with lionel Richie. and furthermore, anyone else hear protoman’s whistle up in here?

the war on drugs – red eyes and this track right here brings me to the night of that aforementioned pre/post summer day. a dream in open land. the reverb on the vocals gives it that spiderwebbing fractal vibe. and the synth rolls on. this whole record holds this same vibe. I remember driving home on 26 to 526 during my half hour commute. open roads, no one in the way, just cruising. this was the perfect soundtrack for just those rides.

…and you will know us by the trail of dead – all white this record was actually my favorite of that year when it came out. sort of outside my wheelhouse. OR SO I THOUGHT. when I sent it out to the homey jeff roche, he came out and called it exactly what it was: the stoner movielife. blew my mind, changed the whole sound. even if only for the better. please check out the record ‘worlds apart’. as I described it, it was a massively heady undertaking. really ambitious. soundtrack moments, weird dialogue. (what does the whispered voice even say in the beginning?) and all this from a band that I was turned onto by searching on a website for bands that I thought I would like if I liked ‘at the drive-in’. whoa. but yeah, there’s a lot going on even on this straight forward track. THIS particular track reminds me a lot of ‘the snake the cross the crown’ in the classic rock style that it employs. could have just been the moment and headspace I was in while listening to this, but there’s something about the brief story that this song tells that reminds me of jack kerouac’s poetry readings that used to be complete disasters. but hey, whatever gets you there.

fairweather – carte blanche favorite band. first track off of their first record in ten years. hearing this for the first time literally made me stand up out of the chair I was sitting at and start throwing ‘gang vocal hands’ without knowing any of the words. I was so happy. so happy. they still had it. and the full record is still a product that as a fan I can hold high with the rest of their library and I’m sure as a band they’re endlessly pleased with. the one thing about fairweather that was terrifying is that they did three PERFECT records. well. two full lengths and an ep. all EXACTLY what a fan of a band would want them to be. twenty four songs, all listenable, none skippable. nonstop. you are happy with that output for so long. and then they announce that they’re coming BACK and the possibility of anything short of something you’d love is something that made me brace for impact. no brace needed. this song also opens the crack into the portion of the mix cd that brings some aggression to the fold.

code orange – i am king so. heavy. the opening sounds like something out of a raging industrial act. but make no mistake the angle these guys are coming with. this is a hardcore band. and they are painting a pitch black canvas. I’m sure even mentioning it is probably something that they’re tired of hearing about, but the lead singer is a chick. and she gets a DOPE sound out of that voice of hers. full record is dark as fuck.

every time I die – el dorado I’m really mad that the lyrics in this song don’t say “my homeboy’s backing me.” because I could have sworn that out of the ENTIRE list of incredible buckley lyrics, THAT might have been my favorite. but no, the one imprinted on my wallet over and over and over [and over] remains the best (and most accurate). these guys always bring the party. and I think this might end up being my favorite record of the year when all’s said and done. but it’s got some stiff competition. this whiskey rock vibe is just so good and fucking nasty. but somewhere in the middle of this song, they break out a RIPPER of a riff. and it punishes. it’s so gnarly. it’s the sound of a city being overwhelmed. it’s what I want to walk down the aisle at my wedding to and then water slide INTO my funeral. SO WILD. it’s the best [thing I’ve ever heard]. also, this song is on the soundtrack for NHL 15. DONE[EEE].

my iron lung – in defense of drowning another band in something that I’ve heard referred to as ‘The Wave’. a lot of bands in that honest post-hardcore movement are really getting their stuff together and being noticed by the right people. it’s really getting out there. this is just a well performed song with its highs and lows illustrated and arranged in the perfect places at the perfect pace. that weird almost robot vocal part towards the beginning? chills, man. plus, the ending lyrics ‘I tried my best to let go’ are… whoa. you know.

st. lucia – elevate so now that we’re over being angry people, this song goes back to a place of bobby brown, prince, lionel richie (referenced twice now? hell yeah) levels of giant sunglasses and palm tree shirts and music videos with boats and cartoon alligators. it’s just catchy. writing this has to be something you do by mistake. or maybe something you work your entire career towards? I’m not sure. it sounds like it was written by inhabitants of ferngully. the hook is a whistler I keep coming back to.

the guru – barracuda hands these guys remind me so much of the more irreverent days of modest mouse. this song is definitely from a different mindset when bands like bloc party were writing songs to dance around house shows to. if I’m not mistaken, I believe the lyrics include simply stating MARIO PARTY. I’m not sure why or how one ends up at this decision. but it’s fine. the song is fun.

geographer – shell beach just another cool track that seems like it’s coming out of that brooklyn music scene from the early 2000s. the loop of that asian influenced hook throughout the track makes it. that’s all there is to it. it’s the spine and nerves of all of it. and the rest thrown on top of it is just a real set of marvelous direction. a lot of what this mix and what these songs ended up being to me are representations of summer. outside on the porch with a beer reading. or just being out in a new place, complete in some type of alienation and/or isolation. this track, though? such a good groove.

caribou – odessa had the opportunity to catch these guys opening up for radiohead last year. and while the radiohead set was one of the most memorable and interpretive experiences of my show-going life, this performance that these guys put together was a blast to watch them throw together. really minimal but lots of great loops, and a great warm up to get the body moving in just that small way that’s required for a show like that. the little sounds and echoes and audio droplets that trickle through really make this song a great headphone track.

wet – you’re the best stumbled upon this track completely by accident. but the entire ep was a really fantastic surprise. dark and female in a lot of great ways. honest and sad lyrics.

sky ferreira – everything is embarrassing this is that token BEING A GIRL IN THE 80s IS FUN track. though complete revivalist stuff brought sometime in 2012. I mean, honestly, I’m not a fan of sky, but after this track, I’m absolutely interested.

jungle – lucky I got what I want their record is so good. so fun. and I think their single’s video really went somewhere big in a viral way. listening to it as a whole, though, this song seemed like it had more of a voice that resonated with me. kind of that laid back funk. the layered vocals has something to it that’s got a real anthemic feel to it without getting massive in any scale. I knew that when I heard this track, I wanted this to be the end of the mix. one of those that sort of wraps everything up. that cooled out jam that tones it all down. but more and more new music kept rolling out and I really wanted to share so much more in this phase of the mix. one thing I’ve found about this mix is that it seems to have a completely different soul than so many of the past ones. it’s comprised almost entirely of a different beast. the falsetto lyrics on this track kind of give me the same vibe of watching that video of marvin gaye lounging on the couch and crooning a dope song and jamming with his band. the snaps? perfect.

grails – corridors of power rediscovered this track at a really interesting time that I was going through in august. I’d hit a really desperate point where I couldn’t focus any of my thought, any of my energy into a positive place or direction. I was letting myself get buried by work, by family, by people I loved. this came on during a rare shuffle with the ear buds on and walking and i couldn’t do what I usually do when I first truly connect with a song. I couldn’t check the artist, I couldn’t just the song title. I just had to let it be its own character, its own song, its own nameless entity. and during the time I heard this, I was following a bunch of really basic, really simple relaxation and breathing techniques suggested by the help of a friend. just really getting back to a zero place a few times a day. and this song delivered me there. it got me to the empty and swollen safe place that I needed to be in. when I finally went back to see what the name of the song was, it really blew me away. not that a title can make a work any better or worse, but it was completely appropriate that it’d come to that. slide.

four tet – angel echoes a song built on a loop that’s always really resonated with me. that chopped up voice reminds me of a beautiful car wreck in a dream. the terrible and angular lights of a glorious color. it builds in a subtle way. and I’ve gotten lost in this cycle several times, each time thinking that I hear different voices chiming in at different times. it definitely plays tricks on me. aural mirage.

phantogram – bad dreams the full album is so good. SO good. in fact, there’s a song I think I like more on that record that just didn’t fit on here as well as this one did. but this one’s chorus and vocal lines just filled what I loved about the theme of this mix so well. it’s a feeling of almost complete abandon. really gorgeous. and not overwhelming or overwrought. just a big feeling. I also really like the guitar tone they use in the second verse. very ‘xx’.

the fauns – 4am just a well written, fuzzy, cool vibe. shoe gaze, you know, that’s the first thing that comes to mind. I ended up importing this record I liked it so much. it reminded me of a band I hadn’t heard in YEARS called ‘last days of april’. just the subdued nature of it. that synth sawing through the background the entire time. the somber vocals. that fairly consistent revisiting of the color lavender. the title of this track, again, just a title, but it makes perfect sense. I think there must be something extraordinary that I never pinpointed in my late teens and early twenties, but it brings me back to a real nostalgia for that era, the snow on the ground, the age of ‘driving around’ with a hope that someone will call or text you. stupid and young anonymous love. ‘wonderful.’

portugal. the man – tommy it’s weird. this song translates to me in perfect, deeply resonating ways sometimes. and others, it just sort of feels like I put the wrong song on here. but going back to their initial album and hearing what I loved so so much about this band in this sound that they departed as early as the very next album. just so many weird ideas swirling around in the microscope lens like viruses without purpose. endless concepts. especially knowing the talent that these dudes were holstering when coming through with this record. the “chorus” (I guess?) around 1:28 comes in with no warning, just sort of fades in. but that part is probably what speaks so clearly to me. it comes back again, just like someone changing the record in a jukebox. that’s really what shows what portugal’s vibe is all about in their later records. from the point it reprises until the end. really a deep dive into the mind of john gourley. wild.

la dispute – woman (in mirror) this album, though. listened to it on repeat while driving home from Orangeburg, over an hour away. and I got lost, past midnight, drove down an unlit road in THE COUNTRY. eventually hit “End of Paved Road”. so fucking crazy. unreal experience. but yeah, I spent a lot of time with this record. it entranced me. parts of it feel a little silly. just not right. (see, if you can, ‘morning after snowstorm’. ugh. what a joke.) but there are two tracks, this one included, that I’d describe as perfect songs. the way that these tracks are built on a percussion track and build from there. almost simple like spoken word, a jam of a band really vibing it all out together. 

but away.

dreamed of a really dark old west. shoot out in a saloon. but all of the characters were anthropomorphic dogs, like mcgruff the crime dog. there was a character named Sergio Rosa, but the last name pronounced Rasa (tabula rasa).

homer simpson with a skinned pig face, but still in the same cartoon style. homer simpson with his face removed, just showing his skull and bald head.

guilded and atrophied fingers.

in a deep, deep thought wheel was intensely inspired to start reading about the french revolution. i don't remember a thing about it, but it seems to be one of the most influential and important pieces of the history of current man.

still writing the same short story from two weeks ago. it's a record.

a lot of music coming down the line to be interested in. haven't been this excited about new artists in a long time. could be finally opening up my mind again or could just be an incredibly satisfying end of an otherwise bleak year. maybe my heart isn't encased in gravel and gear anymore.

---

we thought we found the anatomy of a whole new person
disfigured and charred and praying in a pile of ash
so we dissected it and found a city and we dissected the city
until we found a single violin
wrapped in string made from shaved deer bone and wax.
the violin wouldn't play and the city had no books and the
dead have no voice so we buried in ash what had been buried
in ash.

of one way or another.

caffeine dreams. like where the thoughts you're thinking won't word wrap. where they won't go to the next line. they shove each other to the end of the margin and start clustering up and rearranging themselves to fit. like a train crash.

dreams of large bugs squeezing behind the bed. trying over and over to get them before they're out of sight.

deported.

no dreams.
trying to figure out what goes wrong that loops back into me to zero out how you can feel.
not that it sticks.

dreams of swarms of bees. looking out the screen door, two to five bees hovering around each person, stinging. some people's faces turning purple and fat. little girl laying down in turtle position right outside the door, so I yell as hard as I can at the bees and it weakens them and I bring the girl inside. my "bedroom" is a full house with tons of people hanging out, watching tv, socializing.

homer Simpson is there with a red beard.

it isn't gray if it's invisible.

i've not written in this blog for months. and it's mostly because i felt nothing until i felt some of the darkest energy i've experienced in my life. this real golden, bronze, copper void. horrible pulling and a wilting gravity. even talking to friends about it felt like i was exaggerating. i came out of it a bit. and then came out of it completely.

if i revisit it, i'd love to be able to share more on it. though it seemed strange to suddenly start throwing a blog up about how depressed and meaningless everything was feeling as the first shot out of the cannon in a long time. especially when i feel like so many of the sentiments here seem to be at the very least straightforward creative work.

though i think the lack of creativity contributed to the awfulness of it. the feeling of being trapped under ice. terrible movie reference here, but it reminded me a bit of the scene from the ewok movie where the kid is, yeah, trapped under the ice.

i do want to say that talking to a really close friend who was supremely in tune with the kinds of ideas i was experiencing and just with myself as a whole helped in a major way. really took me down a different path i didn't think i'd be able to get down, especially as easily as i thought i would. i had to address the problem and move on. that was it. that's always it. this simple concept that you don't think applies to you. right now i'm finding a wild alluring power in the mantra that "i have everything that i need to be happy and peaceful and alive." it feels a bit derived from a lot of things i've seen posted in memes all over the internet which is BASICALLY the modern scrolls of buddhism. but really. that concept is something that's is wildly empowering in a very basic and direct way. that's the kind of advice and instruction that my friend gave over to me and it was valuable. really a change in the path i was going down. enriched every day for me.

--

the other night, i had one of the most vivid and colorful dreams i've had in a while. i don't know if it's that i've had disturbed sleep or just haven't been spending a lot of time in thought or what the issue is. but i know i caught an extremely deep sleep and allowed myself to be set adrift in it. the dream wasn't all that incredible, mostly just the feeling of clearly being in a dream and not needing to wake up and not having a countdown to waking up. i got past the film of there being a clear divide between dreaming in a sleeping body and just allowing thought to engulf your entire person.

the dream centered around this enormous mosquito type creature with spindly legs and all, barely any body, but i knew that it was colored like a lady bug. red carapace, black highlights or dots. flecks of white. and i would see it landed on a flight of stairs or the edge of a lake or in other arenas i'd find myself in. and i would go over to try to catch it with a bag or a net. and as i'd approach, slowly, so as not to kill it or startle it, i would watch it pull its proboscis out of another insect. the most memorable being this very large wasp. and it would pull this long tongue out of its back or its head and the other insect would almost graciously unfurl its body that had been hidden under the body of that mosquito and fly away. i think every time i saw it, i didn't catch how the rest of that scene would pan out because a massive golden glow would encompass the whole 'screen' and i wouldn't be able to watch more and we'd transition to some other level of the dream. but that's a scene that i remember witnessing time and again.

but i remember the feeling of dreaming being so free. there was an ease of breathing that i haven't felt in a long time, within dreams. a looseness. a freedom of clear thought. just letting the dream experience itself. absolutely phenomenal, almost drug like.