kihlsuhn.

i took a chance on a new artist earlier today based solely on the photograph provided to advertise the upcoming show. the photo is not the one above. silje nes is categorized as "electronic" but i can't really see the commitment to that particular genre, though it's rare that labels fully make sense anymore. pretty happy with the purchase, definitely suits a need for the melancholy, background skyrocket of particular writing days. you can check out a track from the record opticks over here. i find that without taking risks on a lot of bands going forward, i'm not going to find anything new or interesting worth hunting for.

also, i randomly did 10 clicks on the randomized "next blog" train on blogger. here's what i found:

- poems by a priest.
- a family blog
- a christian watching her child grow up
- a spiritual journey by a pastor
- QUOTE. life iz whaz up... END QUOTE. for real. but another christian blog.
- a christian blog by a priest/fireman
- a christian blog
- a family's travel log, wherein they move to argentina... to found a church
- INTERNATIONAL JOURNAL OF THE CREATIVE ARTS IN INTERDISCIPLINARY PRACTICE ADVISORY BOARD
- and what seems like a minimalist blog by a minimalist woman writing in her own corner of the web for little to no reason. a post, in full, goes as follows:

So Ray is now recovering from a broken rib in his back, which punctured his lung in an unfortunate altercation(scuffle) with a patio table. I think Ray won,as the table is a goner and Ray is still alive to tell his side of the story. He's in pain but the doc gave him some good painkillers so he'll at least sleep lots while he's waiting to heal.There goes golf season.

it's always interesting to see who else is out there. am i doing it right. is there a point to blogging vs. webmastering. should i start separate blogs for separate themes. are there hypotheses i'm solving for in every post. so on and so forth. i have literally been blogging since before it was blogging sometime in the ninth grade, keeping an almost daily account of what i was up to, to then breaking down stuff going on in classes, to a college breakdown, to a music blog, to a full music website, and then pretty much back around to this. i get curious what makes me think something is worth sharing, or not sharing. where the filter lies, where the eager sharing voice speaks up.

i wonder how someone finding my blog on a random Next Blog clicking spree would describe my blog in a 4-8 word summary splatter. and would they read through just a piece or a month or a page? would they ever come back? what validates something like that? what am i looking for?

a smile tells you just for now, or just keep going.

i have so much going on in my head that i turned my computer on to blog. just to blog. i had to get it all down because i thought i might lose something. that's the kind've fear the words and their conjunctions feel. that's the kind've fear that i feel.

gentlemen, start your engines.

i meet someone new every day. every day. it's empowering. it's a revelation to the miniscule reality that i might face if i don't continuously put myself out there. if i resort to a life on an island. i'm having second third fourth and fifth thoughts about where i want to be forever. the real answer is nowhere. i want to... really, i long to be a traveller. somehow, someway, things might happen. the only way that they will happen, though, is if i end up making them happen. i talk a big game.

tonight, it was a french girl named Ellen (it could've been Helen, through the accent) who came back in just to hangout because she was "passing through." she came in wednesday night, buying things with family. her father, her brothers. and we spoke a little. mostly about where to find certain DVDs. lame. but she came back in tonight, looking for me, and talking to me, and still looking pretty great. at least, for a girl who i will only know for a day or two. she didn't tell me when she's leaving. but i feel like it'll be on sunday. all of them always leave on sunday.

you know, because life begins again on mondays.
even in europe.

i find it hard, sometimes, to get really dedicated to words and their output while music is playing. music that i care about, anyway. i get easily distracted by one of the two, either creating, or the creation. i'm never sure which one is more important. example: right now, the new post roman is playing and i want to give it my full attention, because it really deserves it. there's so much happening.

there's a thunderstorm brewing just on the outside of where i'm living. i think it's passing by, though. there was no real gradual process to it. it'll be gone in a half hour, hanging over the head of someone else entirely.

that's fine. headlights are still streaming in to our apartment complex.

i think of her less and less.
even though i wrote that, you need to believe me.

in the tomorrow which is actually today, i hope that i can see that light of day. i want cloudlessness. something beyond warmth. i want to feel something other than the insides of the walls. i want to hear my beating heart. i want it to hurt when i open my eyes.

i think next week i'm not going to sleep for the best reasons.

she'd never think it, i think.
i think it's the distance, i think.
if she understood, i'd say i can't understand it either.
leave it alone.
tell 19 year old me where he'll be today.
tell 19 year old me that this will even exist.

as much of failed attempt as a lot of it seems, for one thing, i've lost absolutely no one in my departure from home. it started feeling like maybe i had. the new groups of friends, the silences, the silences, the skewed text messages, and the out of importances. when i think about how it all really is, put up and held together by nothing different than A Home Life, I can see that I've only gained a greater understanding of who will be left when it's all put together at the very end. what's been the borders and boundaries, and what's been the heartland. and yes, most of who i've added is just more borders, more boundaries, and more peripheral. but some are lifelong lifelines, if i've got anything to do with it. the new area codes, and new sorts of dialtones. random exposure through vocal representations. some days, having to dial out of the country just to be remembered.

remember, the world's not falling apart, no matter how it feels,
because it's falling in place.

satellite.

i'm at brian's house on his laptop. i'm checking out his little situation on here. it's definitely perfect for his needs. small size, light weight and completely portable. this is going to be his gateway to creativity. i'm glad i can say that i've used it. this is going to be a famous machine.

more later on my night in oceanside.