a smile tells you just for now, or just keep going.

i have so much going on in my head that i turned my computer on to blog. just to blog. i had to get it all down because i thought i might lose something. that's the kind've fear the words and their conjunctions feel. that's the kind've fear that i feel.

gentlemen, start your engines.

i meet someone new every day. every day. it's empowering. it's a revelation to the miniscule reality that i might face if i don't continuously put myself out there. if i resort to a life on an island. i'm having second third fourth and fifth thoughts about where i want to be forever. the real answer is nowhere. i want to... really, i long to be a traveller. somehow, someway, things might happen. the only way that they will happen, though, is if i end up making them happen. i talk a big game.

tonight, it was a french girl named Ellen (it could've been Helen, through the accent) who came back in just to hangout because she was "passing through." she came in wednesday night, buying things with family. her father, her brothers. and we spoke a little. mostly about where to find certain DVDs. lame. but she came back in tonight, looking for me, and talking to me, and still looking pretty great. at least, for a girl who i will only know for a day or two. she didn't tell me when she's leaving. but i feel like it'll be on sunday. all of them always leave on sunday.

you know, because life begins again on mondays.
even in europe.

i find it hard, sometimes, to get really dedicated to words and their output while music is playing. music that i care about, anyway. i get easily distracted by one of the two, either creating, or the creation. i'm never sure which one is more important. example: right now, the new post roman is playing and i want to give it my full attention, because it really deserves it. there's so much happening.

there's a thunderstorm brewing just on the outside of where i'm living. i think it's passing by, though. there was no real gradual process to it. it'll be gone in a half hour, hanging over the head of someone else entirely.

that's fine. headlights are still streaming in to our apartment complex.

i think of her less and less.
even though i wrote that, you need to believe me.

in the tomorrow which is actually today, i hope that i can see that light of day. i want cloudlessness. something beyond warmth. i want to feel something other than the insides of the walls. i want to hear my beating heart. i want it to hurt when i open my eyes.

i think next week i'm not going to sleep for the best reasons.

she'd never think it, i think.
i think it's the distance, i think.
if she understood, i'd say i can't understand it either.
leave it alone.
tell 19 year old me where he'll be today.
tell 19 year old me that this will even exist.

as much of failed attempt as a lot of it seems, for one thing, i've lost absolutely no one in my departure from home. it started feeling like maybe i had. the new groups of friends, the silences, the silences, the skewed text messages, and the out of importances. when i think about how it all really is, put up and held together by nothing different than A Home Life, I can see that I've only gained a greater understanding of who will be left when it's all put together at the very end. what's been the borders and boundaries, and what's been the heartland. and yes, most of who i've added is just more borders, more boundaries, and more peripheral. but some are lifelong lifelines, if i've got anything to do with it. the new area codes, and new sorts of dialtones. random exposure through vocal representations. some days, having to dial out of the country just to be remembered.

remember, the world's not falling apart, no matter how it feels,
because it's falling in place.

shopping.

i think going food shopping is becoming one of my favorite things to do. for some reason, all of this stuff actually feels like it's going to make a difference. i'm not really into clothing (except for fullbleed, and band shirts, but those are mostly just random accounts of fashion) and shoes come once in a blue. right now, i'm rocking asics that i'm really digging but i saw some more kicks right across from where i'm putting in hours, and i'm thinking about picking them up, too.

so, anyway, let me give you a run down of what i bought tonight.

• vitamin water: endurance (2)
  
• vitamin water: energy (2)
  
• vitamin water: formula 50 (2)
  
• vitamin water: essential (2)
  
• lean pockets: supreme pizza (2)
  
• kashi cinnamon harvest cereal
  
• publix frozen cheese ravioli
  
• publix fudge swirl sundae cups
  
• stouffer's french bread pizza deluxe
  
• stouffer's french bread pizza plain
  
• voila chicken alfredo bagged pasta dinner
  
• red stripe 12 pack
  
• wheat thins: honey
  
• mott's cinnamon apple sauce
  
• publix fat free milk
  
• publix baby cut carrots
  
• boar's head turkey breast (1 lb.)
  
• maruchan ramen chicken flavor (2)
  
• maruchan ramen creamy chicken flavor (2)
  
• maruchan ramen roast beef flavor
  

about $64. i dig.

dave's on his way to NY at the moment. his flight got delayed two or three times. that was kind've out of control. i have the place to myself until sunday night, at which point he'll return with his brother for a week. i'm semi stoked to see the kid.

my mom sent me shorts, and bathing suits, and sandals, and a ton of records from record companies for review. it was all awesome. i'm glad to get care packages like that. so far, the only mail i've got is from family. i've sent out a pretty fair share, and i guess i shouldn't expect much in return. that's fine.

in fact, i wrote a letter late last night, and didn't send it because the envelopes are in dave's room. i woke up this morning and wanted to send it, but i just couldn't do it. i feel like i need some sort've clearance first. it's a ridiculous dynamic that i don't know how or why i created it for myself. it sparked from this thought that i had last night about time bombs, and blue wires and red wires. it's two pages, and folded up, and signed from me, and will probably end up being just another piece of undelivery.


i work in a city by the beach

birth after/state.

written at 9:35a
South Beach
right here:


Okay, so maybe it does get better.
Maybe you show up to work a little early and you get to sit on the beach.
Maybe the 50 minute commute turns into a 15 minute one (and when you tell them on the phone, they can't tell the difference).
I wonder if they want me here tomorrow.

Okay, maybe last night instead of sleeping I was making big plans.

I get breaks here at this record store for a half hour a day. We run parallel to Ocean Dr., where all the bougie girls wear their sequen and drink margaritas. Here, where no one really lives, is where the tall glasses with those umbrellas made their name. I walk faceless and alone through this crowd, because for now, these are my streets, and they're the faceless, and they're going home.

Where they stop at corners and main street attractions, I know people's names behind counters halfway down Washington Ave.

I've been here for four days.
I drink coffee under palm trees.

I meet europeans who fish for words in my language as I try my best to be articulate in my line of questioning. Beyond small talk, I'm meeting characters on their own stage. One day, I hope to be in their shoes. Some ageless Londoner writes on his laptop, "I meet americans who swim in yankee accents..." and the list goes on, me on my stage.

I met a girl in Jersey who liked to sketch.
I think I look for her sometimes, because she's my type of people.
She guessed our age.

Next time, I'm bringing shorts.
Today, on my clocked out, unpaid half hour, I'm going to Urban Outfitters on the strip to scope out some slip-ons.

Lesson One: Expect nothing from anyone, even if they're the Everyone.
Lesson Two: I need to be working to remain happy.
Lesson Three: Bring your life with you everywhere. You never know who might have a ticket.

life displacement.

i'm over 1300 miles away from home.
1300 miles.

i think people think they know what that's like, but really, they don't. i thought i did. i thought i could project an emotion or at least an emulated emotion on myself to simulate the feeling of what it is to be away from everyone, every thing, every place that you know. but it's really completely different.

in our gated community, there's a path you can walk up as a pedestrian to get back into the buildings. i literally couldn't open the door. it's things like that that make you feel completely new to a whole new way of life. there's no way you can figure something like that out without trying it again and again and getting completely used to it. that's just the start of it.

i've been trying to do as much shopping and as much living as possible. south beach, whole foods, compusa, publix, gnc, julio's, etc. there's a ton of different places that i still want to see. simple things like movie theaters (which i think i'll be in tonight) and best buys (probably next tuesday for The Sleeping [who i will likely be seeing tomorrow] and Peeping Tom, and The Sound of Animals Fighting) and things like that. things that might even remind me of home just a little bit.

things like maps, and soda bottles, and manhattan rocks, and spanuga.
i miss my sister.

i miss all of you.

i got here and within two days, i had an application filled out and ready to hand in to a music store. i went back in the next day and spoke with a man named dano, who's over 35 years old and has sleeves and a pony tail. i think i'll fit in with him pretty nicely there. he seemed pissed, and focused, and in the mood to work. i go back in tomorrow for an interview. i hope that i nail it, and start working down there, right by the beach, right by a ton of interesting people, and just away from here, a community, and just another opportunity to meet new people.

i need people. i love people.

i think about what i'm doing as a human being, and what i'm looking to do on a long term and short term person. it's not really a fear i have just yet, but it is definitely something that i want to sort've pinpoint.

i come close to saying what it is that i want to do in conversations. i want to have people put their hands on their heads with MY words. i want to educate people, and motivate people.

it's too much.

i went shopping to find some things for dinner. i got chicken patties and whole wheat hamburger buns, some pasta sauce, and some tortellini. i'm hoping that'll be good for a little while.