i left my shoes in the car. don't be so surprised when you see them today.

in a clean room, you can think more directionally.

when people ask her, "so, how's old boy?" i'm sure she just says, "he's good." yeah, they call me old boy down there. i'm not sure if it's some sort of knock on my age, and the fact that she's twenty and i'm twenty five, or if their country voices can only carry the proper things to say about as far as they can stand to improve themselves. but i know that's what i say when anyone who cares to ask me asks. "she's good." i mean, what can i throw in for detail?

"she's good, man! she goes to her sister's volleyball games, and has this weird thing going on with her manager where he's sort of in love with her, but you know, she's in denial. um, her best friend, a male here ya know, left her a voicemail that says he wants to kiss her on the forehead and tell her how much he loves her. yeah, like, she's just working for gamestop, and chillin' out. i make her cry sometimes, i'm so scared over here and i project the fear directly onto her canvas! can you believe it?"

but again, there's that whole bottleneck effect. i mean, when they ask her about old boy, i'm sure she says, "he's good." if she wanted to really roll on about her end, it'd be something like, "yeah! he's good, i think. he just got offered his own store, but turned it down. yeah, something about wanting to work for two more months doing the same sorts of things, just with more people in the store. he plays a lot of games, and watches a lot of movies, for the most part alone. wonders why i don't listen to the cds he sends down here. talks way too much about sports, and is weird, i guess. says weird things. talks to himself out loud to me."

but i think about how little that defines me, yeah? i think a more accurate description of old boy as me would be:

"he's probably the best he's been in a very long time! listens to a lot of music that means a lot to him, more than it would if he had been through less. finds a lot of one liners in and out of those songs of his that mean more than they were intended. something about specific unintentions. he's found two of his best friends again, doesn't want to leave them, but wants to be with me, and is so confused about the whole situation. and we're getting married. we'll see as much as we can see for the dollar that we can spend. a vagabond life. drinks a little bit alone. drinks with his sister who's not really his sister a little bit, laughs/thinks more than he thought he was capable of. my baby he's beautiful because he's alive, thinks he's ugly because he's still living in that world of bodies."

or something.

found someone in her who i thought i'd never find. got the Little Lover and the Baby Talker in there, the one who says how much she loves me in twenty one different ways, each one progressively decreasing in age and maturity level. got the creator, the one who paints for herself and for me, and writes on a random whim; makes me think "what does that have to do with US," then remember if everything i wrote was about us, she'd probably be dead or armless by now. she thinks, and if i would just unleash a thought tornado at her just once, she might just have something to say about it.

my baby, i think she'd be so disappointed in me on some days.
on others, i think she's be so in love with me.
for the same reasons, yeah?

just move here and live life with me and do things with me, and live with me somewhere new. i'll keep you here, right next to me. and we'll be so happy.

i'm a loner dottie... a rebel.

as much as it is not a desirable trait, i have a hard time leading the married life. and i'm not saying that i am married, because really, i don't want to belittle the huge sacraments that three (or six, actually) of my best friends have undergone. but, as i mentioned in a livejournal post this past week, "i know a new brand of love that feels exponentially stronger and longer lasting than i have ever felt in any previous relationship." i go on these runs where i want to be left alone and do my own thing or on other nights, i want to go out all night and not need to check in.

i know i'm not alone in this. guys, in general, i'm sure are always like this. there's always that sort of desire to 'just go.' there's always something in guys that always calls us out to the clubhouse. we always want to be he-man woman haters. do stupid shit. watch action movies. laugh at farts. and, really, girls aren't allowed to see this side of us. because that breaks the veneer.

if females really knew the secret lives of males, oh dear god, forget the species.
i have a feeling, though, the same can be said if the roles were reversed.

-

i'm typing in my dining room. i never took advantage of the fact that my computer is actually a laptop. entirely meant for being mobile. when i unplugged it, i got an insane shock. the kind where i was forced to say, "ahhHhHhHhH" while it was happening. in actuality, it probably lasted only a second and a half, but that's quite a bit of time to be directly mainlined to open electricity. my arm is still tingling. and there was a little bit of twitching. stupid mistakes. live like that long enough, and any day now, i could be a dead man.

-

fuse called me saturday with news that if i wanted it, he had a ticket with my name on it to see underoath, poison the well, and as i lay dying at the nokia theater. i was completely signed up; so stoked. went to look up any flyers or anything of that nature, and saw that, in fact, as i lay dying was not on the bill. it was fucking EVERY TIME I DIE.

absolutely one of those bands that i want to be sure that i see every time they're in the area. there are few bands that are on that list anymore. mostly because they all break up. but i would say that the list looks something like dredg, circa survive, alexisonfire, misery signals, olympia, every time i die, the honorary title and the deftones, and ambulette. i might be forgetting some. i'm sure that i am. possibly silversun pickups, though i'm terrified of the hipster presence there.

speaking of appearances, mark z. danielewski is heading through the area this october. 10/4 he'll be at the barnes & noble in astor place.

-

rahul said that he hadn't heard a band shittier than this one.



there i was, defending them, and saying that their last album sounded like a fairweather album from time to time and that even that song could hang with their old stuff, etc. and now, since i hadn't given their other album a chance, i am listening to it, and it's basically garbage. man, i hate bands.

-

today i was off and i did nothing. i woke up, ate cinnamon harvest cereal, watched an hour of what not to wear, and an hour of ten years younger while holding hands over the phone, showered, watched rush hour 2, came home, fixed the forum, fucked around on the internet for two hours, ate dinner, and now here i am.

i talked about this last week. when i have my days off, and i'm not doing anything, usually i love doing nothing and just chilling out. when football season comes around, FORGET IT. i'm totally going to do everything in my power to get off on sundays. but then, once the end of the night comes around (mostly around the sundown time) i regret every minute and wish that i'd accomplished something. it's horrible.

tonight, after a long useless day off, i have to work at eleven to man a huge midnight release of john madden football 08. i'm on the fence about picking it up. because, i mean, what can it hurt. i have the ncaa game that i've been playing the shit out of. we're talking three hour offseasons. what a ridiculous child my parents have spawned.

the 360 thing is still hanging in the balance. i'm only $1000 in debt after being as far as $8000. so, really, all material possessions seem completely moot when it comes to the fact that i can be in the clear for the first time in six long years. i've been paying $300-$400 every two weeks on just bills lately. just trying to alleviate that demon. and i'm so close. i fear that if i get that system, i'll only head further down into that hole. it's scary, i guess. but there are games that i want for it.

but there's also a room i want to furnish. and a moving fund i'd like to start.

-

speaking of moving, arizona was a HUGE candidate for a long, long time. but after the past two weeks reminded me of the extreme love that i have for rainy nights and thunderstorms, i really had to reconsider. there is almost NO rain in arizona. so we're up in the air again. portland or seattle are right up top on the lists. of course, i'd love to live in the midwest, too. but i think the west coast, especially the pacific northwest is such a cool area. i have heard nothing but GREAT things about it.

moving is all entirely based upon whether or not they get me my own store. once the holiday season is over, i'm asking what the deal is with that. something along the lines of, "hey, neil. i'm definitely interested in looking into becoming an MIT [manager in training]. how do you feel about my potential as a store manager, and if there are any specific areas you think i need to focus on, please train me more on those so that i can then move on in that direction." if things aren't moving after that, then the look to move is completely on. for now, it's just checking the craigslist every so often just to keep an eye on prices.

-

Come tomorrow I’ll be on my way back home.
In the morning call from a roadside telephone.
One night doesn’t mean the rest of my life.
If I go it’s not impossible; possible is probably wrong.
So, let go cause I’m afraid to try.

Keep my hands by my side.
You won’t come back.
I hope some day you’ll understand.
I wanna try, make it right;
Don’t know if I can.

Last night everything was right.
The rain was gone.
One summer night’s the only time we’ve known.
So, shut your eyes:
When you wake up I’ll be gone.
When you wake up I’ll be gone.

the speechless.

i forgot myself one day. i'm trying my best to get back to the point where there is a me that i remember. now, i know that there have been times where i haven't exactly reacted or responded to things the way you might expect. but at twenty five (jesus christ, we aren't irrelevany anymore, are we?) i'm trying to be the one true person that i was meant to be. natural sayings and natural facial expressions. and i've really never felt so at home. maybe i had to leave to realize this.

it's weird, though, you know? being in a relationship (an official one... the one that we really count to everyone...) changes you. it's going to, no matter how we try to cut through it. it's funny. i'm serious. it's funny when we see someone we really know react differently to something when they're around their lover or their love interest. it's fine, though. we know who they are, still. they're just trying to react within a parabola. is that the right word? i don't know, i don't care. whatever. they're just trying to react in a way that will keep them in a safe place with their lover. and we get on their case, but for what.

i was thinking about this tonight while bill and i got crushed in three of four games in ncaa. i really don't care anymore if someone wants to be someone else in a relationship, because i get it. it's finally to the point where i see that there really is a split in who we are as a married/engaged/sanctioned human as opposed to just a single dude. and we can't expect someone to be a single dude while they are married/engaged/sanctioned. it's just a rule of life. it happens. whatevzz. as rahul says.

ps, good luck, man.

thoughts on ncaa when i clear up a little bit. and when i finish either dynasty or campus legend. as of right n0w? great game. just more of the same.

actions over the course of the past 20 minutes? i'm a piece of shit. but i know what i'm doing.

i hate mirrors. i'm an ugly kid. circles around the eyes. whenever possible, i hide behind glasses, and hoodies, and angular hair cuts.

a fractured christ.

twitter.
i still think this could be awesome, but it really needs to get some people with the right idea behind it. i hate when people write about real things and even when they write about fake things (or i should say real things in a fictional way) i hate when they update more than once an hour or so. really, i'm just a complete horror.

i wonder what i was born for.

while chris gasparri remains one of the most shady characters i've known, he still has one of the most honest characters i've ever come across. he is what he is. i think honesty scares me away. when i know what i'm getting into, i step back i step back.

it's july 23rd. ALMOST august. and i'm still sitting outside FREEZING. i've been really hot maybe twice. this is pathetic. summer is here, it's true. but it's not the kind of summer that it's ever been before. i'm sleeping in a hoodie tonight. i'm serious.

she should come over. she should draw me so many things i can't see the paint on my walls. she should run away. she shouldn't be here. she should be better than someone like me. she should be seeing clay colored things. she should fulfill the outlasting potential of her hands. she should stop being so goddamn pretty. she should hold me for hours and stop watching the clock. she could remember just how far away i was and laugh at how close. she should be famous. she should come over. she should come over. she should know i can't sleep.

X: THIS is a fucking opportunity to make a difference.
X: you don't NEED him.
X: this whole blocking/silence/crying thing... it's an opportunity.
O: im just scared i guess
O: that nothing else is going to come around
X: of life, of the world without THAT.
X: god.
O: and im not good at being single really
X: please.
X: give me.. BLESS me with a world without that.
O: i just dont think anyone else will be like genuinely interested in me
O: and i feel like if someone does come along - tha tim going to scare them away
X: DO YOU REALLY THINK HE IS?!
O::-X: just answer it.
X: if not answer it.
X: think about it.
O: i am thinking about it
O: its all ive been thinking about
X: it doesn't seem like it.
X: like, do you see what you're fighting to stay in! ahh!
O: i know
O: and i know its a shitty excuse
O: but like i said, im scared
O: im not as social as i used to be
X: this kid better have a dick like a sledgehammer.
O: we dont have sex anymore

oh my.
if there's anything that could ever defeat me, it's unworthy self doubt, and the death of a romance.