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Tuesday, July 10, 2007

the possibility of people.

i wish that, even if i had to reduce my speed by (at most) 33%, i could read in the dark. not just read signs, but read books and interpret and store data. i wonder if they'll ever release backlit books.

i lived in florida for a year. i will never forget that. at jade winds, almost every night was capped with a cold beer out on our balcony. our little moment of zen.

i love finding people who i'd love to meet.
i love meeting people who i want to ask questions.

i'm trying to figure out what to do with my room. i was in this same mode when i was about to leave the first time. i want to make sure that whatever i get to add here, the things that i have are things i'll want to bring with me to my next home.

i've found the summer. i lived through them my entire life, and have known that warm weather, and that open ended feeling. but i've finally found something amazing in it. i can't bring those words to life anymore than asking you to live it with me. i don't know exactly what my backyard is capable of, because i've never thought of it as mine to live in. since we were kids, we always demolished it with our little sneakers. and with dogs living here my entire life, we've always let them wander around back there instead of taking them for walks. but since we started really taking care of it, with a decent sized deck, a good sized patio, actual green grass, a coy pond, etc., i think it might have all the makings for a nice little hangout spot. it's to the point where i'm seriously considering heading to home depot or lowe's or something of the sort to get some tiki torches. or something less tacky. something so that, on nights that we're here, we can bring a conversation and some refreshments to the outdoors. i want to get a medium sized ipod dock/stereo to bring outside with me/us.

when i get a house, i want a porch. i want to watch thunderstorms from it with my wife [and kids]. in silence, sometimes; in laughter, sometimes.

i have this odd syndrome. i feel my best when i'm single, because i feel like i really get to be myself. but what the people who love me have always fallen in love with is that person. being so far away from justine right now has been such an odd dynamic. i feel that calm, peace of being single. but i feel that terrible stretching and reaching of being far from her. it's not that i'm not myself when i'm around her, but i feel more stressed out about being silent. i think that while i'm around her, i can be happy, but i can never get that solid, brilliant line of contentment.

i'm scared of drugs, not because of the damage they could do, but because of how true the things they say they are might be. and i believe in their potential to make certain things great.

when i'm unemployed i get so stressed out that i'm unemployed. there's always something i could be doing. those silent moments that i could be using for out of presence and mind wandering are always spent overexamining myself, the now, the later, the tomorrow, and the way past next week. i forget that, eventually, when things start to come together again, there will be nights like this where i can twist my bottom lip in my fingers and squint off into the slats of the fence. i forget that i'll be okay.



from: +1516205XXXX
Hey hey! i got your msg!
thank god you hav it!
hehe. whats up with
you? things good?i hear
u got a job at gamestop?
is that where?


this in a response to a myspace message. it's not bad, per say. i just think to properly respond, it would take about 30 txts.

i was sitting on a curb when i called you and i said, "i don't hate you." please come here. where have you been.

-





Sunday, July 08, 2007

the ark!

i found these pages torn out of a small notebook. i don't remember writing them.

naked lunch is a book; not a work, not a hissing commentary.

its genius came in its fluidity.

if any of it was on purpose, it instantly loses its appeal.

God, I'm Tired.



\\\the door's not really a door

i've written this way. (the way naked lunch is written)

just vocabulary bleeding from my hands and mouth, coming together just barely. saying things you're jealous you hadn't thought of sooner.

you find 3 or 4 lines as cornerstones.
and you move on,
never removing a thing.

i know this style, is what i'm saying.

in this version, Terry Southern includes an introduction which claims that Burroughs' social, political, and ethical commentary
"
AS IN ALL GENUINE ART,
IS MORE INSTINCTIVE
THAN
DELIBERATE
."

bullshit.
i swear.

just call it what it is.

an addict talking like an addict about addicts, addiction, and its implications while being addicted.

he just happens to have the right tools in his mind and his his mouth. word after word after word.

i've said this time and again about music. but with this book, it just makes sense:

instead of giving you this book, and asking you to read it, i'd rather just give you the emotions i felt while reading it.

i'd rather impart its impact onto you.

i guess this is pretention. surrounded by addicts.

7700
0359
21200
12800
history.com/starwars
jj abrams
paradise lost
paradise lost!

th
fr
sa -- 11p-7a
su
mo

-

next.


i am the god of war.
who the FUCK are you?


finished it. took ~14 hours.

sick game, if not a little bit too short. a lot of relying on the replay value which i'm not going to go for at all. new costumes are cool and all, but i'm just here for the story. which, all in all, was just more kratos having it out with the gods.

there will be another installment of this game, and will most likely be solely on the ps3. hm.

Friday, July 06, 2007

call it travel, but we were there.

sometimes, i feel like i didn't move to florida at all. sometimes i feel like it was all a cover up for a suicide attempt. some days i feel like i'm being handled with care. people not wanting to let the wrong thing slip out. a fact here or a hint there. keeping the charade in place. come to think of it, there hasn't been an uncomfortable silence since i've been back. so you're all locked and loaded, then? well that's all just fine.

i think about who might have found me; put the whole thing in place. maybe i laid down one night, while i was drying clothes and decided not to get up again. got caught up in a fever, decided to take the whole thing apart. i'm no immune. i crack like we all crack. and sometimes, it's dying or killing. constructing an ending in someone. writing someone out. it comes not a lot, but just to be sure.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

the twitter phenomenon.

i want to encapsulate my thoughts on this whole twitter movement that's happening in such a terse statement, that it will make perfect sense appearing on the site itself, but it's near impossible. i think the best way to put it is:

no one gives a shit.


just like those livejournal posts where people discuss what they've been doing for the past few days (i could see a transcript of a vacation, but c'mon); just like those myspace blogs that talk about myspace blogs. just like those flickr pages of everything you've eaten today.

no one gives a shit.


there's a link up top on the site called "public timeline" which seems to post the last twenty or so posts in the past ten seconds or something along those lines. and i read it sometimes, in hopes that someone will go outside the box a little bit; maybe express a brief clarity, maybe create a tiny universe, maybe say something intriguing. because these things are really possible. i'm 'following' four twitters which do just that. in one hundred and forty characters or less, they give me something to read and at least absorb. some of rah's are a little on the X-D side for me, but i'm sure some of mine register on the 8-| scale for him as well. but in the middle of those extremes of our posts, there are bits of things that interest each other with what we write in there.

+ stephifty sandwich was worth the wait!
+ jwatkins debating whether i'll keep this feed going
+ legirl leaving in a few, and i still don't know how to get there.

no one gives a shit.


and i'm not saying that my feeds are any more on the side of revolution. my flickr had been a blind dash at throwing whatever i could point my camera at and capture. my livejournal hit its moments of self-importance. but even clicking in, and reading some of these 'tweets' that folks post is like fucking a blow up doll.

and i'm probably being a major elitist right now. but the thing is, i have no problem with each and every one of these users having an account. on any and all fronts. but i just wish there was a little bit more soul behind those dead eye[con]s. it's hard trying to point this out, without saying, "they should be more like us. the way we do it is right." because, in essence, that's what i'm saying. but some of this information doesn't need to be out there. it's that gabby bullshit that prevents a streamlined society.

and there i was sitting in die hard,
loving the tricked out explosions
which costs multimillions.



okay. okay.
i guess it's just frustrating to know the potential of a system being put to waste. i've looked at those limited character allowances as a challenge. just another new media to create within. i'm not saying my twitter is great. but i'm proud that at least it's different. and i'd love to find more just like mine.

+ zero606 I am trying to come up with a new logo for my blog and for my shopping log. I need an inspiration!
+ razzie I think imma take a shower right now

because, jesus.

-


Tuesday, July 03, 2007

antenna.

today is my first real day off since i started working again, it feels like. every other day that i've had no hours at a job, wedged between two other days that i DID have hours have been monopolized from morning til night. that's not a bad thing, necessarily. in fact, today is just like one of those days where i was unemployed forever. except today, i got to appreciate it, guilt free. i wasn't worrying or tap-tapping.

it finally felt like things were okay.
because they are.

a majority of today has already been spent plopped in front of my ps2 and television playing more god of war. I have been having such a good time with the game, exactly like i had with the first one. it's just one huge movie, essentially, that i get to help along. there are a few parts where i've died, literally, twenty or more times. stuff like that is frustrating, as in any video game. mostly, this kind of thing would come up in earlier NES games where the pits were placed just too far apart. or enemies just did NOT make sense in certain places for the skill level that your character was ready for at that time. but the BIGGEST thing that made games very difficult were the lack or sparse placement of save/check points. and that's what keeps this game on. the people in charge of god of war must have had very similar experiences with games, and have put markers after pretty much EVERY thing that you do. and that helps out a WHOLE lot. so, i've got the barbarian's hammer, the spear of destiny, and icarus' wings, i've spoken to the titan atlas, and have freed a phoenix from its ashen prison.

i'm down with that.

i also finally started to read a million little pieces by james frey.
there was such a HUGE hype behind this book due to the oprah machine, and that, to me, waters down a book SO much. it's like the whole davinci code thing. when that book was getting insane acclaim, and stayed on the best seller chart for who knows HOW long, i had to ignore it, just at least for the first chunk of that. there's just an element of tag-along that goes with those HUGE hype trains. like the wii right now. i'm sure that a lot of people who are looking forward to getting those hard-to-get wii systems are going to be selling them back within the year. not a majority, or anything, i don't think. but a good amount of people are going to be disappointed that they bought into the whole "grassy knoll" mentality. either way, the book's first twenty pages are legit. and while that can't necessarily mean the entire book is going to be good, so far it's exceeded my expectations.

click for new music.











Monday, July 02, 2007

flower children.



while in west virginia for the weekend, i picked up this manga based on that cover alone. the synopsis on the back sounded fine, whatever. but it was that cover that made me want to pick it up. now, i'm into anime, this much is true, but an aficionado, i am not. i wouldn't even necessarily say that i love the stuff. as i think i may have mentioned once or twice before, it interests me, mostly due to its broad possibilities.

a japanese homicide detective is mailed a horrible package (his girlfriend dismembered, and kept alive by a jelly-bath of electrolytes) which sets loose multiple personalities into his psyche. and the common multiple personality disorder type stuff happens. after reading the first installment, what the storyline seems to be is a collection of horrible murders that the various characters (not only the multiple personality character, but others as well) will investigate, while continuously exploring the possibilities present within the multiple personalities.

this series is 18+, and for good reason. the mutilations are pretty twisted. there is definitely a good amount of blood present too. in fact, one of the main reasons dark horse is bringing this manga over here now is the fact that takashi miike actually made a tv series based on the original japanese series. if you're familiar with what takashi-san's taste is, then that will give you an idea of the levels this manga will go to.

i didn't love this first installment of the manga, but i did enjoy it. i can vouch for its quality. i'm looking forward to the second issue. it's not something i'm on the edge of my seat for. but it's something to follow.



-



the rangers got one of my favorite players... i'm stoked about it.
hockey god, chris drury... he might just be a reason i make sure i see a rangers game this season.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

gaming.

since i've started working at a gaming store, i'm again surrounded by the gaming industry. where at one point it was the friends, the conversations, and the magazine subscriptions, now it's the constant driving of product to the sales counter.

so expect to see a lot of what's hot, what i'm stoked about, a little old school, a little new school, and all types of things video game related in here. again. because i know i've done it before.

first off, i've never really been CRAZY about the wireless scene. i tend to be 100% no frills. i don't usually take the steps up in order to be in-line with all the top tech stuff, (no high-def, slow in getting a next-gen system) but seeing as i have no real comfortable place to play my games in my room at this point in time, i figured i'd go ahead and get on the ball and make it so that if i found a spot to chill and play a game in, the threshold of the cord wouldn't hinder my gaming comfortability. so once a logitech wireless remote came in, i was ready for action. i'd used this once or twice at dave's house and liked the feel and weight of the control and its buttons. for my first night of ps2 gaming in SOME time (aside from a quick few rounds of the new burnout at brian's), i was in a good place. so were my thumbs.

the game of choice tonight? GOD OF WAR 2. I got this game a while back, while I was still at FYE. for some reason, i just never picked it up. i was completely excited to, especially after having loved the first one so much. it sat, and it sat, and i never quite got that urge to pick it up and start wailing away at zombies, or whatever the fuck the gods are sending at me. tonight, in my first steps back into ancient greece, i have already fought the colossus of rhodes, zeus, and a titan inside of an ice mountain. i've also gained the help of another titan, gaia, who will help me find the sisters of fate in order to go back to the moment zeus killed me and stole my powers. this game could seriously be part of the first one. it doesn't skip a beat. there are a few additional moves, and the menus are a little different, but from graphics to gameplay, this is a direct sequel to the orignal. and that's a very, very good thing. more on those adventures, i'm sure, as i play.

i also bought some new games to check out later this month (well, july).

- freedom fighters
- devil may cry
- the suffering

i've been looking forward to getting back into video games for a while, and i guess i finally got the kick in the ass i've needed. i have asked for suggestions, and dave gave me a few. anyone have any good heads up for ps2 titles? hit me.

PS: speaking of video games, if you're a hardcore zelda fan, or if you want something to read for a decent amount of time, check out Blogging Zelda. this guy is going back through ALL of the zelda titles, and essentially giving a play by play. it's very detail heavy, but also extremely understandable. he's just a guy like you or me who has a love for the series. again, tho, there is a LOT of reading involved.


friday i won't be poor anymore.

Monday, June 18, 2007

the last inch.

i started a twitter account.
read it here.

for those not in the know, twitter is a free ultra-micro-blogging service that allows you to update in brief splashes that can go no longer than 140 characters. rahul had one, and i figured it was useless, until i realized that my brain is either possessed, horrible, or has a lot of trash in its recycle bin.

brian, you can relate.

i've decided to title it the last inch, because these things tend to be on the tail end of the ticker tape of the internal clickity-clacks.

-

the new john mayer album (well, new from last year... continuum) is genius. i can't believe i didn't get it sooner. i loved it then. still love it now.

-

rahul, for your tech blog:
- twitter
- acura mdx
- new laptop
- pligg
- new phone (old school)
- flickr (as a service)
- vista (at length)

vitæ.

i want to live.
all night i've had this headache, right.
now it's 310a and my throat is sort of closing.
i can't die, man.
rahul's coming over tomorrow.

and i just got a job.


this is my moblog.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

the fucking love; believe it like scripture.

blood on the pages,
a flip book for the splatterhouse.

interlock fingergrips, won't you?
palette me in emotiongrip.
a trail you left make madesweep routine whitewash.
color.
color.
color.
the same spectrum you see against the days of youth.

it goes by,
the new you,
a taste like tantrum.

coccooned,
when you are removal,
you see the remarkable in hologram formation.
you hear the unspeakable in phantomform lovelust.
lipstongue suckswim in marriage.
eyes tractor beam between attraction.
the body the face the body the face
all the love in the goddamn world


the face the body the face the body
i goddamn love you



give me problems called
drug addiction alcohol consumption propheteering.
drip me down under gutter planks moral filter.
you, the light, holding tighter now to what we want.

house picket fence dog child wedding veil west coast warmth.
you call me closer to the heart just by beating.
you breath me closer to the lung just by gasping.
you blink me closer to the eye just by staring.
you dream me closer to the mind just by dreaming.

tight body waist, my fingers don't know sleep until they're at your navel. they lick your insides for fantasy particles. your breasts the oasis of tonguetaste, i leave your chin your back your legs arched.
grip the sheets, clench the teeth.
the lips they command the lower lips,
wet, pumping blood, screaming a name my own
YOU SEEK LUST IN MY TASTEBUDS.

i watch your nipples percolate like sunrise catalysts.
your voice touches the celing scrapes the lightbulb in pink smoke tones, a kitten scream for orgasm.

veinputty a remarkable pull-in at fingerlength.
iris to iris pupil to pupil sustaining tones of broken bones
after you come once
after you come twice
my mast is in your skies
your winds blasting my sails
over and over and over and over
and fucking over
we're destroying the beds that have been made
the sheets that have been bleached
in the name of LOVE.

my fingertips know your hips;
old friends, signatures to dotted lines
moving in circles, the pelvic bones acquaintances
hours are losing count

bathed in your moans, the last thing i know is pleading
and an eruption of soulmarkers.

you are covered in me
and we are always the same again.

this might,
yes it just might
just come again.


i miss you
like i've never missed you before.
you're the most beautiful thing i've known.
from deep sea to deep thought.
from vocabulary to pen MAN ship.
eyes body lips hair legs feet mind soul fucking words.
i miss you

i know we'll love again
in the mindbodysoul.

turn it up,
and touch the panic button.
rub it wide and round, the red just calling your name,
my voice rubbing your insides.

i love you, and this NEVER ends.
from beachfront property to poverty gutterstreet.
we know the pinkyswear by heart.

.husband

a cumming in the sheets.

i had the lines lined up like plasticine.
ribbed textures of the fingerline.
morse code of the digital.
a 101010101010101 binary masturbate.
but she gone, she gone now.
set to sea, like,
bottle on the ocean, like,
words i won't read again, hoping you'll return the letter.

the you, the room.

guardmound, the wall.
staring off as polar contention seams the solarplexis.
it was a sixteen word cantor lock load sentence.

a speech pattern as minor key thought
organgram partitioned for fable ceremony.
the animals, they talk a speech saved for degraced virginials.

conversation exemplified landlock.
the island of experience,
THIS NEVER HAPPENED.

give it up; put it down.

don't say that you're waiting
for something to come and wake you up.

A TRANSCRIPT.
THEY CALL IT THE BEST HE'S EVER DONE.


listen to my last words anywhere. listen all you boards, governments syndicates nations of the worlds and you powers behind what filth deals comsumated in what lavatory do take what is not yours to sell out your sons forever. to sell aground your unborn feet forever.

i bear no sick words junk words love words forgive words from jesus. i have not come to explain our tidy up. what am i to hang over here with the workers the gooks the apes the dogs the errand boys the human animals. why don't i come over with a board and drink coca cola or make it. explain how the blood and bones and brains of a hundred million more or less gooks went down the drain in green piss so you on the board could use bodies and minds and souls that were not yours are not yours and never will be yours. you have the wrong name and the wrong number mr. loose getty lee rockefeller. don't let them see us. don't tell them what we are doing. not the cancer deal with the venetians. not the green deal, don't let that out. disaster. unavaluable disaster.

crab men. tape worms. intestinal parasites. like burroughs, that proud american name.
proud of what, exactly. would you all like to see exactly what burroughs has to be proud of.
the mayan caper, the centipede hype, the short time racket, the heavy metal gimmick, alright mr. burroughs, who bears my name and my words bury it all the way for all to see in times square, in pickadillee.

play it all play it all play it all back.
pay it all, pay it all, pay it all back.

no, no, no.
premature, premature, premature.

are these the words of all powerful boards and syndicates of the earth?
i say all these words are not premature.
these words are all too late.


and i'm sorry to be up for the sunrise, romeo.
for you are the east, and juliet is the sun.
a drink-another-night-away setback.
speak the mind doldrum.
leave you behind rhetoric.

you don't know, but you say you do.

the volume so high, why are whitewalls even bearing down.

there's more to this than just breathing.
corpsesteady, a longing in intergrip.
stasis like aftermath. comatose like trauma.

thank God she even knew where to find him,
it was starting to sound like a party favor.
the pinata birth; concussion deafening, heart in hand.

i might be everything you need
and you might be the same to me.


tell me and i'll believe it.
can i tell you you've been
the light at the end of tunnels?
the voice at the ends of comadreams?



&
lovely green eyes:

i don't care who i am
i want to tear your ribcage down
eat out your internals

Thursday, June 07, 2007

they're even poisoning our vitamins.

there's proactivity,
and then there's pretention.

tuesday, i was in a conversation that involved health food, and vitamins, and vegans, and vegetarianism, and that whole sphere of logic. right off the bat, i am already walking on glass with a subject like this. because, it just comes with the territory, people who are vegetarians (and to an even greater degree, vegans) are of an extremist mindset. that's not to say that i'd like to take anything away from their passion, but there is a line that you need to learn how to draw.

let me corral this back. i feel myself ranting.

there are elements of truth in the circle of thought that believes that if you eat well, everything about you will respond with wellness. your health, your body, your physique, and to a lesser extent your emotions, your productivity and your overall aura. but there are people who lean on this like a crutch. these people are cut from the same cloth as those who believe everything printed in the bible is to be taken literally.

the conversation turned over to a conspiracy theory that everything we are eating, including the vitamins we are taking ARE POISONED. that the nation is being overtaken by greed, and ego, and that whole bad guy mentality.

at this point, i'm biting my tongue, holding back a smile.
what i want to say to this girl is, "reeeally."
i almost asked, "and, like, you really believe all of this?"

the thought was that if we all started eating foods that weren't tainted by this worldwide conspiracy to bring us all down, we might all be cheerful, happy, healthy, intelligent utopians.

there was so much i wanted to address but there's nothing you can say to someone who, with sincere, zealous faith, live their lives by this.
there's consciousness, then there's PETA.

greed, ego, and big business have always been there. always. as long as there has been organized civilization, someone has always wanted a bigger piece. the thing is, now, there are actual avenues that you can traverse to make something of yourself. there's a huge payoff to ambition. the money's there to be made. people are just starting to take advantage of that. plus, beyond that, technology has further expanded, allowing a lot more opportunities. it's just the law of surface area. the dot coms came and went, now the streamable media sites are huge and the getting is good. even within that medium, another medium intersects.

the entertainment business is catering to (or adapting to, depending on which argument you'd like to make; both are valid) that "ADD movement", nurturing the four minute episode market and getting ready for that to take off. those looking to buy up adspace are starting to analyze the YOUtube market in different ways, looking more at the number of consistent viewers than hits.

everything becomes a science,
and we are getting that good.

again, the money is there to be made.
it's not greed, it's just ambition.

and for the concept of a whole new breed of food and nutrition that would cure human nature is hilarious to me.
fucking HILARIOUS.

as far as what i was saying about the bible interpretors and the non-meat eaters, again, cut from the same damn cloth. but these people are almost always at each others' throats.

the more traditional, religious folks are more fundamental in just about all that they do. the religious right, with their guns and their meat eating.
the more new age, forward thinking people are more progressive in just about all that they do, from the eastern acupuncturism, to their natural holistics.

the latter will mailbomb your apartment with animal cruelty videos to show you what we're doing while we're eating our burgers and nuggets.
the former will invade your home with pro life pamphlets, sermons, psalms, copies of the king james bible while we listen to our indie rock.
they're fighting under the same war banner, with the colors polarized.

there was more, like parts of your hands hurting signifying your descending colon was irregular that day, and that today was supposed to be an "angry" day.

color by number eating habits to unstifle creativity;
steps to synchronise sleeping habits to improve your ability to hear minor key tones in music.

these are the people who go beyond reading their horoscopes in the paper every now and then;
these are the people who laminate their fortunes from chinese cookies.
the people who abandom self assurance for self-affirmation weekends.
yin yoga to counter yan yoga.

i'm just saying,
if you want to be more health conscious, and you know you can't eat meat because of a personal condition or a personal belief, even, don't eat meat.
if you want to practice your faith by reading directly from the bible, and performing a rosary once a day, then do that.
don't blame a hamburger you ate last night for traffic today.
don't tell your children "that was god's way of punishing you."

record review.



Band: Pelican
Album: City of Echoes

Pelican's last album consisted of two tracks that lasted over 33 minutes. I was a little intimidated by it. What I read about it, I thought sounded good. In fact, it sounded like it would be brilliant. But I just couldn't bring myself to the point that I needed to hear it. At the time, I wasn't downloading music, and I was on my heels in terms of spending, so that one slipped by. But when this release, City of Echoes came around, I had to give it a shot. The long tracks are still there (this go around, there are eight tracks, for just under forty three minutes) but this time they are broken up a little bit more. A bit more palettable for a noob like me.

Since it is an instrumental (or, as some would have you believe, instru-METAL... yikes...), there is a bit of alienation for someone like myself. There's not very much to get in tune with. It puts this album at a slight disadvantage: relate to me without words, or you're nothing. Although it is, oftentimes, the music and flow of an album that ends up making me love it or hate it, the vocals do make it at least a bit more relatable. It gives the music a face, I guess. But there is something earnest about a band with enough faith in their musicianship that they throw the humanity card to the wind. They literally let the music speak for themselves.

For these songs, I couldn't see it going any other way.

Going into this album, I was a bit hasty with the expectations. Reading some reviews, classifications, and genre placement, I expected this to be a brutal stomp-through. What I ended up getting was a huge surprise, in that while there might be some metal ideology and inspiration at work, there are few moments (one of them being "Dead Between the Walls") in this album that makes me fully warrant this even as a hard rock record. "City of Echoes" and "Spaceship Broken: Parts Needed" are straight up beautiful, introspective and emotive tracks. Coming with the territory of lengthy tracks are the moments where you can tune out most of what's going on (see tracks six and seven) but almost every song contains at least segments worth listening to. There was "Winds With Hands", an acoustically driven song that just felt overly jammy to me. But other than that, this album is a good introduction to the band for me.

Smart, and absolutely self-assured, I'd recommend City of Echoes to anyone who has an ear for the atmospheric. Every song is an ambitious outing, striving to create its own pocket galaxy, and often succeeding. Fans of the older Deep Elm catalog should absolutely pay good mind to check this album out, and at the very least, find a friend who might have the track "A Delicate Sense of Balance" on their hard drive. This song is a love letter to you.

8/10

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

oh, freud.

i had a dream two nights ago in which my mother and i were arguing.
in retaliation, i doused her with lighter fluid and set her on fire.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

phantom twinges of amputation.



i want to try to convince you to read naked lunch. but i know that, for the most part, you won't like it. it doesn't tell a story, really. it just sort of latches itself onto a plot and figures out how to tell you what it's seeing. drugs, americans, europeans, homosexual depravity, fierce new species, and tons of horrible humanscapes can be found along the way, but none of which are concisely put. coming out of this book, you're left not quite sure what you've seen, but you know it's been a journey, terrible and fiending, and you're glad you made it out on the other side. but you might just need a drink.

how i've been describing this book to others, in a brief look, is "it's a drug book." which it is. much like trainspotting, you will get that feeling that you are there, amidst the junkies, passing the needle on or flicking the syringe the clear the air bubbles out. if you read hard enough, you might just get the shakes. but also, even if you were to flip from page to page within this book, you'd find nice little communities of words and phrases that, if scrawled in the margins of a journal you'd found, or graffitied on the brick wall down the block from your apartment, you'd fall in love with, "drug book" or not.

and that's what made me fall in love with this book: the language. sure, there were interesting characters, and fucked up stage shows. sure there were trips to destroyed nations with follied dictators. all that, yes, i'm down with it. but if it were written with any other pen, it'd just be another book. just another thread of words.

but this,
yes,
i see the distinction as masterpiece.

if any of these following quotes pique your interest, and you like drug culture, this might just be for you.

--

"In life there is that which is funny, and there is that which is politely supposed to be funny. Literature, out of a misguided appeal to an imagineary popular taste and the caution of self-distrust, generally follows the latter course, so that the humor found in books is almost always vicarious -- meeting certain "traditional" requirements, and producing only the kind of laughter one might expect: rather strained. Burroughs' work is an all-stops-out departure from this practice, and he invariably writes at the very top of his ability." (page v, foreword by terry southern)

" 'One day Little Boy BLue starts to slip, and what crawls out would make an ambulance attendant puke...' " (page vi, foreword by t.s., quoting the novel)

"Q. What's good and bad?
A. If you're a ballplayer, you would not like to say you are a good third baseman, you try to play third base. You try to deal with moral questions. Whether you deal with them is another matter." (page xii, quote by norman mailer from the boston trial)

"It is very often you can wake up in the morning and start writing and you have this experience: what you are writing about is what you haven't been thinking about. One's best writing seems to bear no relation to what one is thinking about." (page xv, n.m. from the boston trial)

"...he used to write coming out of drug adictions, at other times he says he wrote it in drug addictions, while he was a drug addict." (page xv, n.m. from the boston trial)

"To me this is a simple portrayal of Hell. It is Hell precisely." (page xvii, n.m. from the boston trial)

"William Burroughs is in my opinion -- whatever his conscious intention may be -- a religious writer. There is a sense in Naked Lunch of the destruction of soul, which is more intense than any I have encountered in any other modern novel. It is a vision of how mankind would act if man was totally divorced from eternity. What gives this vicion a machinegun-edged clarity is an utter lack of sentimentality. The expression of sentimentality in religious matters comes forth usually as a sort of saccharine piety which revols any idea of religious sentiment in those who are sensitive, discriminating, or deep of feeling. Burroughs avoids even the possibility of such sentimentality (which would, of course, destroy the value of his work), by attaching a stringent, mordant vocabulary to a series of precise and horrific events, a species of gallows humor which is a defeated man's last pride, the pride that he has, at least, not in prisons, in the Army, among junkies, race tracks and pool halls, a graffiti of cool, even livid wit, based on bodily functions and the frailties of the body, the slights, humiliations and tortures a body can undergo. It is a wild and deadly humor. Bitter as alkali, it pickles every serious subject in the caustic of the harshest experience; what is left untouched is as dry and silver as a bone. It is this sort of fine, dry residue which is the emotional substance of Burroughs' work for me." (pages xvii-xviii, n.m. from the boston trial)

"I awoke from The Sickness at the age of forty-five, calm and sane, and in reasonably good health except for a weakened liver and the look of borrowed flesh common to all who survive The Sickness.... Most survivors do not remember the delirium in detail. I apparently took detailed notes on sickness and delirium. I have no precise memory of writing the notes on sickness which have no been published under the title Naked Lunch. The title was suggested by Jack Kerouac. I did not understand what the title meant until my recent recovery. The title means exactly what the words say: NAKED Lunch -- a frozen moment when everyone sees what is on the end of every fork." (page xxxv, from the introduction)

"The Sickness is drug addiction and I was an addict for fifteen years. When I say addict I mean an addict to junk (generic term for opium and/or derivatives including all synthetics from demerol to palfium). I have used junk in many forms: morphine, heroin, dilaudid, eukodal, pantopon, diocodid, diosane, opium, demerol, dolophine, palfium. I have smoked junk, eaten it, sniffed it, injected it in vein-skin-muscle, inserted it in rectal suppositories. The needle is not important. Whether you sniff it smoke it eat it or shove it up your ass the result is the same: addiction." (page xxxvi, from the introduction)

"Junk yields a basic formula of 'evil' virus: The Algebra of Need/ The face of 'evil' is always the face of total need. A dope fiend is a man in total need of dope. Beyond a certain frequency need knows absolutely no limit or control. In the words of total need: 'Wouldn't you?' Yes you would. You would lie, cheat, inform on your friends, steal, do anything to satisfy total need. Because you would be in a state of toal sickness, total possession, and not in a position to act in any other way." (page xxxvii, from the introduction)

"...overdose of time..." (page xlii, from the introduction)

"You know how old people lose all shame about eating, and it makes you puke to watch them?" (page 6)

"...cancelled eyes." (page 7)

"I was standing outside myself trying to stop those hangings with ghost fingers.... I am a ghost wanting what every ghost wants -- a body -- after the Long Time moving through odorless alleys of space where no life is only the colorless no smell of death.... Nobody can breathe and smell it through pink convolutions of gristle laced with crystal snot, time shit and black blood filters of flesh." (page 9)

"New Orleans is a dead museum." (page 14)

"Selling is more of a habit than using." (page 15)

"I am the only complete man in the industry." (page 16)

"She gets the coke horros and run through the hotel screaming Chinese coppers chase her with meat cleavers." (page 18)

"Your head shatters in white explosions." (page 18-19)

"...electric orgasm." (page 24)

"Placenta Juan the Afterbirth Tycoon." (page 30)

" 'If all pleasure is relief from tension, junk affords relief from the whole life process, in disconnecting the hypothalamus, which is the center of psychic energy and libido. ...junk derives its euphoric effect from direct stimulation of the orgasm center." (page 33)

"...the little broken images that come before sleep." (page 44)

" 'With veins like that, Kid, I'd have myself a time!" (page 47)

"...listening down into himself." (page 47)

"...sealed in translucent amber of dreams." (page 49)

"...undreaming insect eyes." (page 53)

" 'Did I ever tell you about the time Marv and me pay two Arab kids sixty cents to watch them screw each other? So I ask Marv, "Do you think they will do it?"
And he says, "I think so. They are hungry."
And I say, "That's the way I like to see them."
Makes me feel sorta like a dirty old man but, "Son cosas de la vida," as Sobera de la Flor said when the fuzz upbraids him for blasting this cunt and taking the dead body to the Bar O Motel and fucking it.
"She play hard to get already," he say... "I don't hafta take that sound." (Sobera de la Flor was a Mexican criminal convict of several rather pointless murders.)" (pages 54-55)

"Soon we'll be operating by remote control on patients we'll never see." (page 55)

"Dr. Benway is operating in an auditorium filled with students: 'Now, boys, you won't see this operation performed very often and there's a reason for that. You se it has absolutely no medical value. No one knows what the purpose of it originally was or if it had a purpose at all. Personally I think it was a pure artistic creation from the beginning.' " (page 56)

"His speed was incredible: 'I don't give them time to die,' he would say. Tumors put him in a frenzy of rage. 'Fucking undisciplined cells!' he would snarl, advancing on the tumor like a knife-fighter." (page 56)

"Bedpans full of blood and Kotexx and nameless female substances, enough to pollute a continent. If someone comes to visit me in my old room he will think I gave birth to a monster and the State Department is trying to hush it up." (page 57)

"Cover her with a monument, this way no one has to look at her." (page 58)

"THE DIPLOMAT (barely audible): 'The Department denies ... un-American ... It's been destroyed ... I mean it never was ... Categor ... ' Dies" (page 59)

"Earthbound ghost need." (page 60)

"Trust the Germans to concoct some really evil shit. Eukodol like morphine is six times stronger than codeine. Heroin six times strongre than morphine. Dihydro-oxy-heroin should be six times stronger than heroin. Quite possible to develop a drug so habit-forming that one shot would cause a lifelong addiction." (page 60)

"The body knows what veins you can hit and conveys this knowledge in the spontaneous moments you make preparing to take a shot. Sometimes the needle points like a dowser's wand. Sometimes I must wait for the message. But when it comes, I always hit blood." (page 60)

"...a grey, junk-bound ghost." (page 61)

"Last night I woke with someone squeezing my hand. It was my other hand. Fall asleep reading and the words take on code significance. Obsessed with codes. Man contracts a series of diseases which spell out a code message." (page 61)

"It is doubtful if shame can exist without the presence of sexual libido." (page 61)

"The addict regards his body impersonally as an instrument to absorb the medium in which he lives, evaluates his tissue with the cold hands of a horse trader. 'No use trying to hit there.' Dead fish eyes flick over a ravaged vein." (pages 61-62)

"...atomic shambles." (page 62)

"...a whole spectrum of subjective horror, silent protoplasmic frenzy, hideous agony of the bones." (page 62)

"...he dies with the skeleton straining to climb out of his unendurable flesh and run in a straight line to the nearest cemetery." (page 62)

"I try to focus the words... they separate in meaningless mosaic." (page 63)

"LAZARUS GO HOME" (page 63)

"The doctor took one look and slammed steel shutters of survival. He ordered the burning bed and its occupant immediately evicted from the hospital premises." (page 65)

"Lee lived now in varying degrees of transparency. While not exactly invisible he was at least difficult to see." (page 65)

"Cocks ejaculate in silent 'yes.' " (page 68)

"Whore staggers out through dust and shit and litter of dead kittens, carrying bales of aborted foetuses, broken condoms, bloody Kotex, shit wrapped in bright color comics." (page 69)

"The piles of an aged mother shriek out raw and bleeding for the Black Shit. Doc, suppose it was your mother, rimmed by resident leaches, squirming around so nasty. De-active that pelvis, mom, you disgust me already." (page 74)

"Vibrating, soundless hum of deep forest -- sudden quiet of cities when the junky copes." (page 74)

"...whimpering women catch his sperm in vaginal teeth." (page 77)

"See where Christ's blood streams in the spermament." (page 86)

"Now, son, don't you get rigor mortis on me. Show respect for the aging prick. You may be a tedious old fuck yourself some day. Oh, uh; I guess not." (page 93)

" 'My dear, I'm working on the most marvelous invention. A boy who disappears as soon as you come leaving a smell of burning leaes and a sound effect of distant train whistles.' " (page 101)

" 'Ever make sex in no gravity? Your jissom just floats out in the air like lovely ectoplasm, and female guests are subject to immaculate or at least indirect conception.' " (page 101)

"And now The Prophet's hour:
'Millions died in the mud flats. Only one blast free to lungs." (page 102)

"Jack off phantoms whisper hot into the bone ear.
Shoot your way to freedom." (page 102)

" 'And all them junkies sitting around in the lotus posture spitting on the ground and waiting on The Man.
'So Buddha says: "I don't hafta take this sound. I'll by God metabolize my own junk."
' "Man, you can't do that. The Revenooers will swarm all over you."
' "Over me they won't swarm. I gotta gimmick, see? I'm fucking Holy Man as of right now."
' "Jeez, boss, what an angle." ' " (page 103)

"MALE HUSTLER: 'What a boy hasta put up with in this business. GAWD! The propositions I get you wouldn't believe it. They wanta play Latah, they wanta merge with my protoplasm, they want a replica cutting, they wanta suck my organs, they wanta take over my past experience and leae old memories that disgust me.
'I am fucking this citizen, so I think, "A straight John at last"; but he comes to climax and turns himself into some kinda awful crab. I told him, "Jack, I don't hafta stand still for such a routine like this. You can take that business to Walgreen's." Some people got no class to them. Another horrible old character just sits there and telepathizes and creams in his dry goods. So nasty.' " (pages 113-114)

"The calf is born. The forces of death melt in morning. Farm boy kneels reverently -- his throat pulses in the rising sun." (page 114)

"The screaming skull rolls up the back stairs to bite off the cock erring husband taking dour advantage of his wife's earache to do that which is inconvenient. The young landluubber dons a southwester, beats his wife to death in the shower." (page 119)

"This ass talk had a sort of gut frequency. It hit you right down there like you gotta go. You know when the old colon gives you the elbow and it feels sorta cold inside, and you know all you have to do is turn loose? Well this talking hit you right down there, a bubbly, thick stagnant sound, a sound you could smell." (Ipage 120)

"The junky sits with needle poised to the message of blood, and the con man palpates the mark with fingers of rotten ectoplasm." (page 124)

"The reference is to the KY scandal which was still in a larval state at that time. AJ's repartee often refers to future events. He is a master of the delayed squelch." (page 131)

"He will be portentously anonymous, faceless, colorless. He will -- probably -- be born with smooth disks of skin instead of eyes. He always knows where he is going like a virus knows. He doesn't need eyes." (page 152)

"Urbanite Don't Let The Sun Set On You Here." (page 154)

"They watch his approach with pale blue eyes, turning their heads slow on wrinkled necks (the wrinkles full of dust) to follow his body up the steps and through the door." (page 155)

" 'Just the thing to clean a man's blood.' " (page 157)

"A hum of sex and commerce shakes the Zone like a vast hive." (page 162)

"Behind him lay an epic saga of unsuccessful enterprises." (page 164)

"The crowd laughs with him under the searching guns." (page 166)

"To be elected President is the greatest misfortune and disgrace that can befall an Islander. The humiliations and ignominy are such that few Presidents lie out their full term of office, usually dying of a broken spirit after a year or two." (page 166)

"If a citizen wanted anything from a load of bone meal to a sexual partner some department was ready to offer effective aid." (pages 168-169)

"The doctor went on chuckling and rocking in his chair like some mechanical toy. Carl realized that he was expected to say something." (page 171)

" 'Cancer, my first love,' the doctor's voice receded. He seemed actually to have gone away through an invisible door leaving his empty body sitting there at the desk." (page 172)

"There was a jar of KY on a glass shelf. Carl felt ashamed as if his mother had laid out a handkerchief for him. Some coy little message stitched on like: 'If I was a cunt we could open a dry goods store.'
Ignoring the KY, he ejaculated into the jar, a cold brutal fuck of the nurse standing her up against a glass brick wall. 'Old Glass Cunt,' he sneered, and saw a cunt full of colored glass splinters under the Northern Lights." (pages 173-174)

" 'Pick a girl, any girl!'
Carl reached out with numb fingers and touched one of the photographs." (page 176)

"Only dead fingers talk in braille." (page180)

"A thousand junkies storm the crystal spine clinics, cook down the Grey Ladies." (page 180)

"He had a paper napkin under his coffee cup -- mark of those who do a lot of sitting over coffee in the plazas, restaurants, terminals and waiting rooms of the world." (page 181)

"The Sailor spoke with his feeling voice that reassembles in your head, spelling out the words with cold fingers: 'Your connection is broken, kid.' " (page 182)

" 'You are Agent, mister?'
'I prefer the word vector.' His sounding laughter vibrated through the boy's substance." (page 182)

"The Sailer cradled something pink and vibrated out of focus." (page 183)

"He laid out the dropper, needle and spoon on a table covered with dirty dishes. But no roach antennae felt for the crumbs of darkness." (page 184)

"Every day, die a little. It takes up The Time." (page185)

"With that milk sugar shit? Junk is a one-way street. No U-Turn. You can't go back no more." (page 186)

"My present assignment: find the live ones and exterminate. Not the bodies, but the "molds," you understand -- but I forget that you cannot understand." (page 186)

"THE ALGEBRA OF NEED" (page 186)

"...carrying forms of survival..." (page 186)

"So 'Fats' learned to serve The Black Meat and grew a fat aquarium of body." (page 187)

"Two agents fuck atomic secrets back in forth in codes so complex only two physicists in the world pretend to understand it and each categorically denies the other. Later the receiving agent will be hanged, convict of the guilty possession of a nervous system, and play back the message in orgasmical spasms transmitted from electrodes to the penis." (page 188)

"The Gimp, cowboyed in the Waldorf, gives birth to a litter of rats. (Cowboy: New York hood talk means kill the mother fucker wherever you find him. A rat is a rat is a rat is a rat. Is an informer.)" (page 188)

"Melancholy Baby dies from an overdose of Time or cold turkey withdrawal of breath -- in Arabia -- Paris -- Mexico City -- New York -- New Orleans" (page 189)

"...the sudden silence of cities..." (page 189)

"A tea head leaps up screaming 'I got the fear!' and runs into Mexican night bringing down backbrains of the world. The Executioner shits in terror at the sight of the condemned man. The Torturer screams in the ear of his implacable victim. Knife fighters embrace in adrenalin. Cancer is at the door with a Singing Telegram." (page 189)

"When they walked in on me that morning at 8 o'clock, I knew it was my last chance, my only chance. But they didn't know. How could they? Just a routine pick-up. Not quite routine." (page 189)

"The smile stayed there too long, hideous and naked, the smile of an old painted pervert..." (page 191)

"O'Brien was sitting on the arm of a chair smoking an Old Gold, looking out the window with that dreamy what I'll do when I get my pension look." (page 192)

"He grunted in a way I could feel." (page 192)

"You can always find The Pusher. Your need conjures him up like a ghost." (page 193)

"Push your mind too hard, and it will fuck up like an overloaded switch-board, or turn on you like sabotage. And I had no margin for error. Americans have a special horror of giving up control, of letting things happen in their own way without interference. They would like to jump down into their stomachs and digest the food and shovel the shit out." (page 194)

"ATROPHIED PREFACE" (page 197)

"Talk paragoric, Sweet Thing, and I will hear." (page 197)

"Junkies tend to run together into one body." (page 198)

"There is only one thing a writer can write about: what is in front of his senses at the moment of writing. I am a recording instrument. I do not presume to impose 'story' 'plot' 'continuity.' Insofar as I succeed in Direct recording of certain areas of psychic process I have limited function. I am not an entertainer." (page 200)

"Violation Public Health Law 334. Procuring an orgasm by the use of fraud." (page 204)

"The aging playboy dons his 1920 autograph slicker, feeds his screaming wife down the garbage disposal unit. Hair, shit, and blood spurt out 1963 on the wall. 'Yes sir, boys, the shit really hit the fan in '63,' said the tiresome old prophet can bore the piss out of you in any space-time direction." (page 205)

"We sniffed all night and made it four times. Fingers down the blackboard, scrape the white bone. Home is the heroin home from the sea and the hustler home from The Bill." (page 207)

"Read the metastasis with blind fingers.
Fossil message of arthritis." (page 210)

"Sucking terror from needle scars, underwater scream mouthing numb nerve warnings of the yen to come, throbbing bite site of rabies." (page 210)

"(Pieces of murder fall slow as opal chips through glycerine.)" (page 210)

"He looked at me through the tentatie, ectoplasmic flesh of cure. Thirty pounds materialized in a month when you kick. Soft punk putty that fades at the first silent touch of juink. I saw it happen. Ten pounds lost in ten minutes. Standing htere with the syringe in one hand, holding his pants up with the other; sharp reek of diseased metal.
Walking in a rubbish heap to the sky, scattered gasoline fires, smoke hangs black and solid as excrement in the motionless air smudging the white film of noon heat." (pages 211-212)

"Coming over a hill of rusty iron we meet a group of Natives. Flat two-dimension faces of scavenger fish.
'Throw the gasoline on them and light it.' " (page 212)

"QUICK
white flash . . . mangled insect screams . . .
I woke up with the taste of metal in my mouth back from the dead
trailing the colorless death smell
afterbirth of a whithered grey monkey
phantom twinges of amputation." (page 212)

" 'They are rebuilding the City. '
Lee nodded absently. 'Yes. Always.' " (page 212)

"Peyote (mescaline). -- This is undoubtedly a stimulant. It dilates the pupils, keeps one awake. Peyote is extremely nauseating. Users experience difficulty keeping it down long enough to realize the effect, which is similar, in some respects, to marijuana. There is increased sensitivity to impression, especially to colors. Peyote intoxication causes a peculiar vegetable consciousness or identification with the plant. Everything looks like a peyote plant. It is easy to understand why the Indians believe there is a resident spirit in the peyote cactus.
Overdose of peyote may lead to respiratory paralysis and death. I know of one case. There is no reason to belive that peyote is addicting." (page 229)

"Nutmeg. -- Convicts and sailors sometimes have recourse to nutmeg. About a tablespoon is swallowed with water. Results are vaguely similar to marijuana with side effects of headache and nausea. Death would probably supervene before addiction if such addiction is possible. I hae only taken nutmeg once." (page 231)

"Scopolamine has been used by the Russians as a confession drug with dubious results. The subject may be willing to reveal his secrets, but quite unable to remember them. Often cover story and secret information are inextricably garbled. I understand that mescaline has been very successful in extracting information from suspects." (page 232)

Sunday, June 03, 2007

visiting time is over.

i thought this was going to expand into a conversation, so i started saving it. but it didn't. but i'll post it anyway.
-
it started with a myspace bulletin:

FRIDAY, JUNE 1ST, 2007,
SUBJECT: friday night

BODY:
. i'm probably going to finish naked lunch, and then watch die hard 3.

. today is actually the "release day" of We Need Girlfriends' new episode. check it out over here. a lot of you all watched the pilot, and shot it down. give a later episode a shot. definitely for you if you dig arrested development.

. listen to look, mexico. holy shit. i'm serious.

. i'm going to disappear soon.

. i'm falling in love with how shitty david lynch is. god, he sucks. which is why he's so great.

. cavs can clinch tomorrow. and that will be my saturday night.


.steve

SATURDAY JUNE 2ND, 2007, 8:32a
SUBJECT: RE: friday night

BODY:
waiiiiiit. are you reading burrough's disorienting masterpiece or are you watching cronenberg's brilliant adaptation of naked lunch?

um, david lynch is never shitty, ever.


SATURDAY JUNE 2ND, 2007, 11:30a
SUBJECT: RE: RE: friday night

BODY:
i own the movie, but won't watch it without my lady.

i just finished reading the book, and loved it. well, love it. i don't know how to really say something like that. the loving hasn't ended. i loved reading it, and i love the memory of it. something like that.

as far as david lynch goes, man, there's so much that goes into him, it's ridiculous. i'm sure you have your reasons for liking him, but honestly, you have to at least give room for the thousands who like his stuff on the primary basis of it being just weird for the sake of being weird. his movies remind me of hot topic tee shirts. not in the idealism, at all, but just by the way that they're accomplishing their thought-javelins.

i bought a book of by him, called catching the big fish: meditation, consciousness, and creativity because of the sole reason that some of his quotes are gems of terror. the only thing we can ever be sure of david lynch doing is being david lynch. personally, i've seen twin peaks: fire walk with me, and mulholland drive and i thought that was enough for me. but when i found a dvd of a collection of his short films, each one was either just a laugh-fest, or a few of us saying, "wowwww.." to each other.

he seriously reminds me of Pootie Tang. i'm not kidding, man. yes, i just paralelled david lynch to pootie tang. i'm not sure if you've seen that movie (i doubt you have, man; it's garbage) but there's a scene that shows him (a hip-hop artist, i guess you could call him) and he releases a song that is just three minutes or so of silence. and people find it to be GENIUS.

this guy makes it up as he goes along. he has no plan. he has no vision. he just goes out and says lynch-isms to actors and actresses and things happen. from there, it's all editing, and peyote, apparently.

a quote from this book, man.
hilarious.

"one day, still very early in the process, i was talking to laura dern and learned that her now husband, ben harper, is from the indland empire in los angeles. we were talking along, and she mentioned that. i don't know when it popped up, but i said, 'that is the title of this film.' i knew nothing about the film at the time. but i wanted to call it inland empire.

my parents have a log cabin up in montana. and my brother, cleaning up there one day, found a scrapbook behind a dresser. he sent it to me, because it was my little scrapbook from when i was five years old, from when i lived in spokane, washington. i opened up this scrapbook, and the first picture in it was an aerial view of spokane. and underneath it said, 'inland empire.' so i figured i was on the right track.
"

NEXT PAGE

"i did't have a script. i wrote the thing scene by scene, without much of a clue where it would end. it was a risk, but i had this feeling that because all things are unified," --- c'mon... that's just insane --- "this idea over here would somehow relate to that idea over there."

okay, david.

but yeah, it's for those reasons alone that i continue to watch what this guy's brain prolapse onto film, and just shake my head. maybe people really do see genius in this as an art form. but i see genius in it as him finding a way to make a paycheck out of it.


.steve

Friday, June 01, 2007

text.


to: +1609x0xxx71:
this is it. my father and
sister make it impossible
to coexist with them
unless you are beneath
them. they won't have it
any other way. they
have removed their
compliment/humility
nexus.


wikipedia searches:
norman mailer
the pulitzer prize
allen ginsberg
howl (here)

rewritten history
despite the complications,
honestly?

Saturday, May 26, 2007

so!!

a countdown to the end of reentry, and that's when today ends. slipping through the upper echelons of nineties, and counting backwards. wrap down around the ribs around the collar bones fall back and drown. skin darkens around the knuckle locks. eyes seal around the retroblade. sweat peels off. you warned me about your electric orgasm but i just wanted more, and the door was wide open. she stared me in the eyes and i fucked you.

"is this important to you?" the lover asked, wondering if what her mouth was swallowing was creating a lasting impression.

"is this important to you?" the liar asked, wondering if, in the long run, the vessel would remember its flight.

"is this important to you?" the lesion asked, wondering if, when the blood was done flowing, the scars could match his constellation.

he came in her collarbone,
untied her, and left.

the antennas wanted to hear it all,
record the face she made when she felated.
hold the esophagus dear,
x-ray a phallus, cock-hard and dick-sure.
and does she let out a liquid sigh when she's completed.

i gave in to her,
let that face
let that voice
let that memory
let that goddamn body
eat me a-fucking-live.

too much good in the world.

"i drew a rose"
turned into a mind lapse that lasted until exasperation.
it was probably something about her, anyway.



new phone soon.

-

i finished dune, actually. i loved it. i loved the fact that frank herbert put so much into the world of arrakis (and even caladan, a place left behind). the religion, the hierarchy, the geography. he even touched upon pieces of its biology.

i can't imagine anyone being into this book unless they were into sci fi, however. i mean, let's face it, there are sand worms.

i actually got a true feeling of surprise from herbert's style, when he would change from stark, realism in his world of devout science fiction, into complete lucid mode. his descriptions of seeing forward through time and space were wonderfully done. i think sci-fi can be done by one of two people:

  • sci fi nerds
  • writers with outward imaginations


herbert just happened to be both.

i heard the movie is complete trash.
no clue.

and it's sort of weird, because when i finish a book, i usually like to summarize it, and give folks a much better look at things, but in this case, it just is what it is. i didn't underline any lines from the book, and i sort of regret it. i like giving little pieces of what it was about back to you all. this time, i just can't do that.

hey, i finished world war z, as well.
and vampire hunter d.

world war z was good. nothing mindblowing, except for style.
vampire hunter d was complete bullshit. i hated it.



candid photos.

Friday, May 25, 2007

the best of what i'm waiting for.

The High just crave simplicity. to sit in the sun, to listen to an
album, to laugh, to synchronize with company. even just to fly.

new circa survive album for streaming on their myspace. (link)

my weakness is my hairy back. I can't even sit in my own backyard on a
weekend without a shirt without listening for the laugh track of
witnesses. like some god-satellite will scorn me for living on with this
infection. i lost 25-30 pounds in florida, and even still, when i took my shirt off at the beach, the first thing my best friend could say is, "Steve's got a hairy back!"

I go commando more often than not.

I never knew I loved the blues until I saw black snake moan.

once again, nicole scared me straight. the best.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

my whole soul.

my true sister.
a home without latitude and longitude.
we're going to find it.


it's just a simple line.
i can still hear it all of the time:
"if i can just hold on tonight,
i know that nothing,
nothing survives.
nothing survives."
i think i'm turned around
i'm looking up,
not looking down
.
and when i'm standing still,
watching you run
watching you fall.

am i making something worthwhile out of this place?
i am displaced.
i am displaced.

and she's my friend of all friends.
she's still here when everyone's gone.
she doesn't have to say a thing.
we'll just keep laughing all night long,
all night long.

and it's just a simple line.
i can still hear it all of the time:
"if we make it through tonight,
i know that no one; no one survives."





i love you.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

drugs vs. insecurities.

Sean:
orange monkeys flying around in pink tutus while flying over purple elephants with business suits talkin bout bacon politics.

Steve:
teeth for miles, and only stepping on the molars. blondes love it when you touch the thorax. starving the evil empire but slaughtering the poor.

Monday, May 21, 2007

wax[caps]ow g[caps]rxg

tonight was going to be me writing in here with a six pack, because i am in desperate need of a release valve. instead, here's an e-mail i sent.
-
I swear to god...I swear directly to jesus, the savior, who shall return, I swear right in that prophet's face that in our house, our home, there will be NO alcohol, NO smoking, and NO disgusting lunchmeats. I said it. Disgusting lunch meats.

No beer, no wine, no hard liquors.
No marlboros, no parliaments, no salems.
No provolone cheese, no salami, no pastrami.
No coffee.

Everything here makes me sick. It's draining me. I went to start the dishes, and there was a doused cigarette in a half emptied cup of coffee.

I shouted right at Jesus for that one.

My dad hasn't been drinking (supposedly) since his accident, I guess bc of the medication he's supposed to be taking. But I swear, his aura wreaks of old beer cans. That terrible bottom of the bottle/can that the sober fear. Stale, and musty, and heavy like fog. And every word, every sentence, and every sigh fills the room with a yellowing suffocation.

My mother's smoking is to the point where if she doesn't have cancer or some early signs of it yet, then she's staving it off through tobacco. Seriously. When she coughs, it could wake the dead. When she laughs, she coughs, and everything just stops being funny. Once per conversation, she gets caught up in a coughing fit. Her breath smells like coffee and wine and cigarettes, so it's hard to get close.

My parents, see, they're deteriorating.
Jesus, are you listening?

I see this, and I wonder what people do to each other. Will one day come where you'll wish me to stop playing my video games, or listening to my music, or writing my words, or reading my graphic novels, or watching my anime? Will a day come when I want you to stop painting, or singing, or enjoying indie movies? Is that what marriage and life-ever-after is?

I can't ever say a sentence that starts:
"My dad is really into..."
"My mom would be so excited for..."

These aren't people, they're just caretakers.

And I think the best way to describe living with my sister goes something like what's happened in the past week. She comes home saturday night, drunk, at three in the morning and by four am, I'm already hearing her having sex... AGAIN. The next two days, I don't see her because her door's closed and she's napping, she's showering, or she's out working or getting work done or tying wayy too many on. Like fucking anchors. Tuesday, she really wants a slurpee but won't come with me to get one, just the two of us. She REALLY "wants to fucking see" 28 Weeks Later, but turns down an invite to come with us. For free. Wednesday she's nowhere to be found until later in the afternoon when her skin's been torched. "At the beach, and then tanning," she explains.

Dying by the light.

This morning, a Saturday, I wake up to mom cough-leaving minutes before my sister storms down then up the stairs. She screams in her room at no one for everyone to hear. We're used to this, so we don't react. She squeaks. She comes downstairs slamming doors wherever she can find one. Back up the stairs, another yell. "Kay," is what I'm thinking. Nothing is what I'm saying. By the time she leaves and it's okay to leave my room, I go downstairs to find nothing new. 2007, 1999, 1997, nothing new. An upturned hamper, a pair of jeans on the table, yadda yadda yadda. She probably couldn't find a clean pair of whatever.

She says mom's "a fucking idiot," because of something to do with laundry. This, because everyone here is afraid to tell her that she's a pathetic alcoholic who can't wash her own clothes. that's the kind of thing I'd tell her if I could, but I can't, because there's always the excuses from the mother.

23 years old.

And then there's the whole "at least I have a job" thing that I'm sure they'll fall back on, completely rendering my argument useless.

Hours later, after I finish my pizza, my father comes in here and makes a sandwich, sitting down, and saying, "hey would you mind getting [everything]." The smell still hanging heavy, he makes a horrible-meat sandwich (read above), and when done, he cleans his mouth for seven minutes. Breathing heavily, licking his gums, his teeth, sucking at food particles everywhere. The sorts of noises that are impossible to ignore, even on a subway car at rush hour.

Anytime we eat dinner together, a majority of their conversation is done with mouths full of whatever.

I wonder where I come from.

You ask why I'm sad sometimes, and this is just a brief look at that.

I'm so sick of everything here.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

vertebrae by vertebrae.




you
can tell by the way i talk about it. i have no idea what i'm doing.

but i'm still doing it.
like i said, "on and on and on and on."

you
can tell by the way i used to talk about it. i had no idea what i was doing.

and i can see that from now on, the world will always be made of this. the way the angles of her face make their ways into the shapes i see in sunspots. eyes wide, dream-ready. the mind hungry and charitable. strong fingers, delicate hands. unspeakable, unspeakable. unnameable. and great shoes.


got caught kicking the canvas down.
i had plans but they never seemed to work out.
wide-eyed and on the lookout, got caught tearing the whole thing down.
i was halfway done;
but then you know this painted scene could never leave me.
oh please believe me...
&
when we are awake we sing "never... ever".
this is where you must make up your mind.
should beauty be design this time?
this time you decide cause we go with whatever.
we take our time.




it's like you said:
the never stopping.
i gave you archways,
and they're yours to keep.




i hope you always knew.


.cartographist.


her
robots and mannequins.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Thursday, April 19, 2007

the fear and the doubt as rosary.

in about
7
hours it'll be about
24
hours left.

i'm excited and scared and worried and doubtful and suspicious and into it.

i only get the bad feelings because of things that have happened in the past. really. no matter what you guys want to say, it's really because of the things that have happened. cheated on twice, i mean. it's the kind of thing that makes defense mechanisms part of the default program. a way of life, you know?

you worry about phone calls and text messages and what they say about you and her and you&her and you guys and him when you're not around. or how things are different when you are.

worriers:
stop. it's not her.
it's me.

i know how you jump on it with a quickness. the whole thing where you think she's not good enough or something. i have a hard time seeing that. in fact, i think that's what makes me so suspicious.

she's gorgeous. she has tattoos. she listens to her own music as well as music i am into. she paints. she writes. she tries to read when she has time, but so do we all. she bends over backwards for me. she's hardworking. she wants a family. she wants to travel.

but who knows. it's the same old story. the huge gray hanging cloud of the past. the things you should never ask, but you do. the guy she met when she came down to florida, that took her months to admit she slept with. the best friend/ex boyfriend who calls just about the right amount of times to be a best friend, but the jealous boyfriend says is too much to just be friends. the way she'll wait until i'm not around to call him.

guilty.

see, but the way it sounds and the way it's written is so much worse than the way it really is. because since when do you call people you miss, and people you love when you're wrapped up in something. we've all been in relationships. we've all been there. i mean, seriously. when you're in a relationship, even when you're doing nothing, you're doing something. and when it's a good, successful relationship, a healthy relationship, that something feels like everything.

i'm not saying anything new here. and maybe there are times when i should pick up the phone but i don't. and maybe i could make a more conscious effort to get online on my days off, or on my phone. but the reality of it is, as much as it may have seemed like i wasn't doing anything to help the problem, i was always trying to come up with a better time, and a better place to get all of the things expected of me in line. i really was.

and it wasn't enough.
so i took a beating for it.
and so did your view of my relationship.

but really, i guess this is becoming more of an open letter than the blog post i was hoping for. sorry.

this is where you say, "whoa."

but seriously, it's not her.

what i really came in here to say was a few things that were going through my head, while i was browsing myspace. just some individual pieces that have nothing to do with each other.

i can't grow a beard.

i liked her before she was trashy.
i'm just saying, she looked pretty innocent.

jesus christ,
what a pretty face.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

agnes fertility.

this about sums it up,
in the realm of myspace.

Sean:
Apr 16 2007 9:16A
yooo whats up cooch?!!!!
how was the ride up there?

Steve:
Apr 16 2007 2:38P
the ride up here was wack-city, USA. dude, you were right about the rednecks up in florida. the panhandle IS the backwoods. people die in waffle houses. i promise.

the car was stuffed with two lives. i'll try to get some photos of the car situation ASAP. there was no room for anything. we needed scuba gear to breathe in my automobile.

a cell is dead in my car battery. that means i can't start my car. that means everytime we needed gas, we needed to wait around for people with jumper cables. note to travelers: no one has jumper cables at four in the morning.

we found where serial killers are spawned. it's on ROUTE 92 in kentucky. they're hiring. it snowed on a mountain while we were on it. it was called BAD BRANCH FALLS. kentucky should become its own country. it'd be third world.

we got here, and a week later, the rivers started to flood. the water was brown. i'm told it's sewage. and people here love to fish.

overall, so far, this trip has gone well. i'm off to NY this friday. i'm sure there will be more to tell about the wonderful east coast by then.

keep bass alive, man.
[end transmission]

###


the photo presentation
of the capacity situation.






anyway,
i hate this place, and its people. we need to get out of here.
i'll be out by friday. it'll be months until we can evac the rest.

i've seen floods,
but at least there are mountains.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Sunday, April 01, 2007

seedig bale.

things have been shaping out to be a little bit more timelined/streamlined.

we leave on friday (about five days from now) and head to Her brother's house/apt. for a day, which is only about four hours away. we then finish the rest of the trip to west virginia and get there in time for Easter. i think, from there, my stay lasts until the first week of may, at which point i then depart, again, for the rest of the drive to NY. i then find a job, and work for several months, trying to save some money for the haul west, which looks to be some time before the end of august.

that's the ideal version.
let's see how real life toys with it.

and, by the way, in one of the greatest surprises of my entire life, my favorite cartoon short of all time, "I Love to Singa," is actually on the Happy Feet DVD. i found out by just browsing the special features randomly. it's definitely the simple things.

anyone who wanted one of those mix CDs, i'm sorry i haven't gotten it out to you. management has scheduled me horribly for the last few weeks i've been here, and getting to the bank has proved impossible, let alone office depot. they're coming.

Monday, March 26, 2007

(de)parture



Well, at least the wait is over.
We're getting out of here in less than two weeks. If all things go according to plan, that's less than 10 days. Something like 9 days, actually.

It's actually believable now, as opposed to those wishes that despite your grandest effort, you can never seem to make true. We all have one.

Things are a little bit more complex than they were at first, though. Really, it all started with just a move up north to West Virginia. I wasn't entirely FOR this idea, but went with it anyway.

I'm in love with her.
That's why.

But the other night, she introduced me to a week old idea that she gave birth all on her own. Maybe if I went to WV with her, and just existed, worked, saved money, and hungout with her and her mom and sister, I wouldn't be all that happy. Maybe that'd ruin morale. Maybe we'd suffer more from that than anything else we could make happen on our own. Maybe we'd be farther away from everything we knew for longer than we've ever been before.

maybe.

So, as of today, circa 3:30am, the decision was made to come back to LI at the end of April, after spending some time in WV with the future family-in-law (and possible adopted pet/son). Then get a job. Or jobs. And save money amidst the things that I know. And then, in June, she'll come in to see me. And after that, I think I'll be gone again. Well, I know I'll be gone again. I'm just not sure when I'm going to be ready to get on and get out.

Because we're going West, so we might need a lot of money. And that's going to be the beginning again, just us, and maybe a dog. And we'll have to furnish our whatever, wherever we go.

Hopefully somewhere where it's easy to steal the internet. Because right now, it's proving impossible to get online, from my normal vantage point. I hate this little game that me, and the air plays. It used to be easy, then it got hard, then it got easy again, and now it's hard again. Damnit. And now it's easy again.

I got some albums last night:
  • modest mouse - we were dead before the ship even sank
  • chimaira - resurrection
  • the snake the cross the crown - cotton teeth
    &
  • kaddisfly - set sail the prairie


Plus, yo, Hot Rod Circuit comes out tonight, so I may pick that up at midnight. That is, if I'm out of the TMNT Movie. Or Shooter. Tonight's a solo night, so I have to find something to do while Dave is sick. Tomorrow night, I'll be heading over there for what MIGHT be the last time, which is very sad. I don't think it will be, but it just might be. Dave has BEEN florida to me. And he's the reason I was here in the first place. But I bet we'll just be doing the same stuff as always, which never ceases to keep me very happy. Video games, movies, and horrible horrible imaginary characters.

I sent people things that I've written, and I heard nothing back.
Saaight.



I realized I haven't put new pictures up here in a while, so that's what's going on with the overabundance in here. Those are taken in the now now. You are seeing me write this blog in those photos.



And I think the B&W is just a phase.
It'll pass.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

total trash.

i planned to update this twice before. one time about my history of drinking and non drinking. another time about the same kinds of stuff it's always been about. this time, it seems that i want to update just for the sake of having said that i've said something.

megan left and the apartment is all ours. it's sad, because this place has been my home for about as much time as the place in jade winds was (5 months). it doesn't feel that way, at all. being here for ten months doesn't feel right either. it doesn't seem that simple; just a number of months. but it is the goddamned truth.

we're leaving south florida for uncertain territories, sometime between today and april 19th. we'll be out of the state and on our way north towards west virginia first. and then i think we'll head to NY for a little while as well. from there, it's all money saving, as always, to see where the new destination will be. well, money saving while i try [keyword: TRY] to find something more career oriented elsewhere. we're thinking west coast. something like california, or arizona. texas has come up, as well. i'd even do chicago. maybe more north. like toronto.

well, the list of states that we agree on looks something like this:
Incontiguous:
Alaska
Hawaii

West Coast:
Arizona
California

Midwest:
Colorado
Texas

Northeast:
Maryland
Massachusetts
New Jersey

The states we've left out are Alabama, Arkansas, Delaware, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Michigan, Minnesota, Nebraska, New Hampshire, New Mexico, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Utah, Virginia, West Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming. All the rest, we couldn't agree on completely.

There are things I'll miss about this city, like it's 98% consistent warmth, palm trees, never harsh breezes, and Dave. The view from our balcony is definitely one wortth waking up for. While it is humble, it's still something that I doubt I'll have the opportunity to see on such a regular basis anymore. I'll miss being this close to the beach at all times. I'm not one for sunbathing, but as a place to think or converse, it's pretty hard to beat. I won't miss the people, or the constant tourism. The horrible drivers. The terrible musical tastes. The nonexistant music scene. This just isn't a place of culture. It's like the trophy wife of the states. all it ever had to do was exist. it never had to do anything but look beautiful.

i'm looking forward to getting out of here, but i'm not looking forward to our indefinite stop in west virginia. i'm hoping i can handle it. it really was one of the worst places i've ever been to when we went there for christmas, and while Justine's family was one of the most welcoming, hands down fun group of people to be around, i'm just not sure i can handle a full serving of that place day in and day out. jesus. just thinking about it makes me nervous. she has shelves and tomes of pages of history there. people, places, things, memories. the very real sorts of things that will drive a creative mind up the wall. but i've put someone through the same sort of thing. someone came straight into my life and lived where i'd lived for a good few months. it really happened. and to ask justine to come to NY just to make me comfortable is selfish. it is, no matter how you try to make it straight in your head. it's just not going to happen that easily.

so, we'll see how it all goes down. i'm hoping smoothly. the whole "rat race" thing is sort of coming into view for me. i'm not sure it's exactly in the same way that it's meant to be, metaphorically, but it works for me, regardless. the possibility of coming to the end of a labyrinthine hallway and having to turn around and start all over again is getting very real for me.

can't say i didn't try.

i bought some CDs today. Brazilian Girls' Talk to La Bomb, Sonic Youth's Daydream Nation, and Silversun Pickups' Carnavas. The first and third ones are albums I already knew I liked. The second is from a band I've always wanted to try to listen to, and eventually got around to sampling. They're not awesome, but not bad either. I don't understand the critical acclaim, or anything. That's pretty much how it goes for me, no matter what, though.

oh, samurai champloo is outstanding.
as was the movie Zodiac.

god of war ii comes out on the 14th.
that's awesome news.
because i'm not very good at pac man.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

the proxy monument.



after hearing tons of good stuff about this anime, samurai champloo, i finally picked up a copy of the first volume, used, and i'm going to start checking it out right now.

i'm starting to think that i'm not exactly a true anime fan. i am almost constantly disappointed with series that have a ton of recommendation behind them, and tend to only enjoy those that already have legendary status. Evangelion, Ghost in the Shell, Akira, etc. i think anyone, not just a fan of anime, but literally, ANYONE would enjoy these achievements.

i'll let you know.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

these are the hours now that we are dying out.

it's clear (read: crystal clear) that the trip to NY was almost a complete and utter failure. failure might not be the right word. i think disaster just about sums it up a little bit better. aside from making it obvious that i live miles and miles away (yet again), i think it's at the point where we can all now see and admit that it's not just land-distance that's separating us now. it's shitty. there's no other real way to lay it out.

i'm exhausted right now.
i haven't felt tired in months.
maybe i'm getting sick, or something.

i had a daydream the other day of packing up and leaving.
it's just that i'm not sure which life i like more. i'm not sure which fantasy i'm just entertaining because it's a possibility. but i'm sure it's one of them.

the last few days, i've been feeling needy and unsatisfiable. i sleep, drink, eat, and dream emotion, because that's what's here. sometimes, i miss not feeling a damn thing. not numb, exactly, but maybe just the ignorance of another day.

i thought about writing up a postcard for someone.
it might just be a question that i need to ask.
i think about getting an answer back, and a push over the edge.
i still play games like that, just to feel things, sometimes.
i never get enough WHAT IFs.
i might have to make things happen. someday.
i'll wreck someone.

being home, though, made me realize just how much i miss my mom. i blame myself for stranding here there amidst my dad and my sister. what is she even doing. is she really that far on in her life that she's glad to look BACK on it and make sure we have a good life? i don't like to think about it like that. but is it true? she cries everytime she gets off the phone with me. that's horrible.

my heart, though, still remains one of my last priorities. whether it's full up or not really hasn't made much of a difference, and it's something that took me all of a couple weeks to realize that. it's still me loving the possibility of people. well, that, and finding the absolute best in everyone and ignoring the absolute worst. and giving my all to everyone and anyone, no matter who it is. i guess the hard part is tearing apart the little things, like who appreciates it the most, and who reciprocates, and who takes what for granted. who do i see myself reflected in? that little shit.

who's going to give me my space.
who's going to accept me and all the choices i make, both stupid and smart.
who's going to want to move.
who's going to want to go somewhere.
who's going to want to stop the same day i want to stop.

and,
when does this get old?
when do we get tired?