Thursday, May 25, 2006

life displacement.

i'm over 1300 miles away from home.
1300 miles.

i think people think they know what that's like, but really, they don't. i thought i did. i thought i could project an emotion or at least an emulated emotion on myself to simulate the feeling of what it is to be away from everyone, every thing, every place that you know. but it's really completely different.

in our gated community, there's a path you can walk up as a pedestrian to get back into the buildings. i literally couldn't open the door. it's things like that that make you feel completely new to a whole new way of life. there's no way you can figure something like that out without trying it again and again and getting completely used to it. that's just the start of it.

i've been trying to do as much shopping and as much living as possible. south beach, whole foods, compusa, publix, gnc, julio's, etc. there's a ton of different places that i still want to see. simple things like movie theaters (which i think i'll be in tonight) and best buys (probably next tuesday for The Sleeping [who i will likely be seeing tomorrow] and Peeping Tom, and The Sound of Animals Fighting) and things like that. things that might even remind me of home just a little bit.

things like maps, and soda bottles, and manhattan rocks, and spanuga.
i miss my sister.

i miss all of you.

i got here and within two days, i had an application filled out and ready to hand in to a music store. i went back in the next day and spoke with a man named dano, who's over 35 years old and has sleeves and a pony tail. i think i'll fit in with him pretty nicely there. he seemed pissed, and focused, and in the mood to work. i go back in tomorrow for an interview. i hope that i nail it, and start working down there, right by the beach, right by a ton of interesting people, and just away from here, a community, and just another opportunity to meet new people.

i need people. i love people.

i think about what i'm doing as a human being, and what i'm looking to do on a long term and short term person. it's not really a fear i have just yet, but it is definitely something that i want to sort've pinpoint.

i come close to saying what it is that i want to do in conversations. i want to have people put their hands on their heads with MY words. i want to educate people, and motivate people.

it's too much.

i went shopping to find some things for dinner. i got chicken patties and whole wheat hamburger buns, some pasta sauce, and some tortellini. i'm hoping that'll be good for a little while.

Monday, May 15, 2006

listen to me. look at her.

it means hello and goodbye.

june carter, ladies and gentlemen. she's real. i think i've harvested her spirit. where i've been digging, i think i've uprooted something realistic in the way the eyes can trap a way of life.

i've found june carter and on the eve of a killing she's made decades tap like unsynaptic bookends. count the words of separation on a leper's fingers. she's calling home to check the wooden houses and shaking the corners free from the cobwebs of clockwork.

june carter left a stockcar driver to be in love. she left the ring at home when she locked the door, a spiral to pawn or packrat. she left until the day she came back to stay back. she left a house to make a home.

she left a house to make a home.


june carter, her and i, we live in love that lasts.

i will illuminate
slowly the orbs that grow
to warm you.

i'm trying to find the right way to say
more than
but less than.