a piano actor: who they get when they need him.

i thought about last year and this time of year, and things are different but i feel like it was yesterday. not in the gap of time way of speaking, in that it seems like i just lived a day, and here we are. more like nothing has changed all so much. everyone's scattered about and in some new sort of mode or stasis. but it's all the same. outside looking in.

i could be poor again before we know it. maybe i'll work it out. i've got my eyes peeled for some new kind of opportunity. nothing active. but things happen.

thought about how i have no goals, just desires.

-
this is already turning out different than i anticipated.
what i wanted to start with was:
"it's odd how my fingers missed the keys. i never knew it until they hit them."

it seems the devil's got a grip on me.

aloe.

more style and less put together.
more collarbone and clavicle.
more the ready to run, so i've learned.
oh, you don't want to be there. it's your love and fire, but not your steady stream,

and i'm still looking, too.

i saw him the other day and how he's not good enough for you. i wanted to make sure he said the right things to you, and never took you for granted, and could never see the end of you, that big unwinding. i don't think i approve of how he does and does not look at you. but i don't know what's best.

i lied to you one too many times.
i should have told her, "why, yes i do."

some storm happened and you weren't there.

shaking, i suppose.

some story of color,
a streetlamp orange green still ocean [no wave].
presence on the floor, had shoes tied.

"i'd take you anywhere, we've suffered enough."

and would you believe it? they cut us short! just where we ended they told us this is where you're going and this is where you're anyone. no, i don't know anyone here. so you moved on out of here. i'll have your bags packed when i'm ready, keeping all that doesn't remind me of you, and fits the most convenient dreams of you. o', teeth and toe.

you have some load of blankets,
shut out to the world.

1. CBC 2. Blood Chemistry; on like that.

what i did today was make copies and mail out said copies of a summer's worth of dreams. standing in front of the copy machine with phone in hand, i went down a list and tried to figure out who would want to read it, and who would read it because they knew me. i went with the people who would read it if they came across it and will build from there. inside are some of the funniest things i've read written in one liners all by accident, manifested entirely while sleeping. i just happened to record them. i take no credit.

so, what i will say at the moment is that i will, eventually, tell the whole story of what i've referred to in the last update. i do hate alluding to things, and being vague about them, but this is the sort of thing that had to be talked about. i was there. once i know the full in and full out i'll get it all down. most of it never seems real when i think about it. i've already started to write it out. and some of it is pathetic, and some of it is typical, but some of it is the kind of thing you cock your head at.

And...
1. Tranquilization
2. Sedation
3. Restraint
, or so they kept saying.

calamity.

last night everything got just a little bit crazier than the tuesday before last. i can't process what is or what isn't. i assume, going forward, that day by day will have to do.

i'm back online via a new computer.
photos hope to be born soon.

i finished transcribing my dreams from this past summer. it's about 18 pages (i think) and will be printed on tuesday. copies go out then, as well.

i'm glad to be back.