i love her.
mind body and soul.

the fear and the doubt as rosary.

in about
7
hours it'll be about
24
hours left.

i'm excited and scared and worried and doubtful and suspicious and into it.

i only get the bad feelings because of things that have happened in the past. really. no matter what you guys want to say, it's really because of the things that have happened. cheated on twice, i mean. it's the kind of thing that makes defense mechanisms part of the default program. a way of life, you know?

you worry about phone calls and text messages and what they say about you and her and you&her and you guys and him when you're not around. or how things are different when you are.

worriers:
stop. it's not her.
it's me.

i know how you jump on it with a quickness. the whole thing where you think she's not good enough or something. i have a hard time seeing that. in fact, i think that's what makes me so suspicious.

she's gorgeous. she has tattoos. she listens to her own music as well as music i am into. she paints. she writes. she tries to read when she has time, but so do we all. she bends over backwards for me. she's hardworking. she wants a family. she wants to travel.

but who knows. it's the same old story. the huge gray hanging cloud of the past. the things you should never ask, but you do. the guy she met when she came down to florida, that took her months to admit she slept with. the best friend/ex boyfriend who calls just about the right amount of times to be a best friend, but the jealous boyfriend says is too much to just be friends. the way she'll wait until i'm not around to call him.

guilty.

see, but the way it sounds and the way it's written is so much worse than the way it really is. because since when do you call people you miss, and people you love when you're wrapped up in something. we've all been in relationships. we've all been there. i mean, seriously. when you're in a relationship, even when you're doing nothing, you're doing something. and when it's a good, successful relationship, a healthy relationship, that something feels like everything.

i'm not saying anything new here. and maybe there are times when i should pick up the phone but i don't. and maybe i could make a more conscious effort to get online on my days off, or on my phone. but the reality of it is, as much as it may have seemed like i wasn't doing anything to help the problem, i was always trying to come up with a better time, and a better place to get all of the things expected of me in line. i really was.

and it wasn't enough.
so i took a beating for it.
and so did your view of my relationship.

but really, i guess this is becoming more of an open letter than the blog post i was hoping for. sorry.

this is where you say, "whoa."

but seriously, it's not her.

what i really came in here to say was a few things that were going through my head, while i was browsing myspace. just some individual pieces that have nothing to do with each other.

i can't grow a beard.

i liked her before she was trashy.
i'm just saying, she looked pretty innocent.

jesus christ,
what a pretty face.

agnes fertility.

this about sums it up,
in the realm of myspace.

Sean:
Apr 16 2007 9:16A
yooo whats up cooch?!!!!
how was the ride up there?

Steve:
Apr 16 2007 2:38P
the ride up here was wack-city, USA. dude, you were right about the rednecks up in florida. the panhandle IS the backwoods. people die in waffle houses. i promise.

the car was stuffed with two lives. i'll try to get some photos of the car situation ASAP. there was no room for anything. we needed scuba gear to breathe in my automobile.

a cell is dead in my car battery. that means i can't start my car. that means everytime we needed gas, we needed to wait around for people with jumper cables. note to travelers: no one has jumper cables at four in the morning.

we found where serial killers are spawned. it's on ROUTE 92 in kentucky. they're hiring. it snowed on a mountain while we were on it. it was called BAD BRANCH FALLS. kentucky should become its own country. it'd be third world.

we got here, and a week later, the rivers started to flood. the water was brown. i'm told it's sewage. and people here love to fish.

overall, so far, this trip has gone well. i'm off to NY this friday. i'm sure there will be more to tell about the wonderful east coast by then.

keep bass alive, man.
[end transmission]

###

the photo presentation
of the capacity situation.






anyway,
i hate this place, and its people. we need to get out of here.
i'll be out by friday. it'll be months until we can evac the rest.

i've seen floods,
but at least there are mountains.

war drobe.

three new shirts i purchased last night:








support the artist.
buy his merchandise.
look damn good.
fullbleed.org

do.

practice non-doubt.

seedig bale.

things have been shaping out to be a little bit more timelined/streamlined.

we leave on friday (about five days from now) and head to Her brother's house/apt. for a day, which is only about four hours away. we then finish the rest of the trip to west virginia and get there in time for Easter. i think, from there, my stay lasts until the first week of may, at which point i then depart, again, for the rest of the drive to NY. i then find a job, and work for several months, trying to save some money for the haul west, which looks to be some time before the end of august.

that's the ideal version.
let's see how real life toys with it.

and, by the way, in one of the greatest surprises of my entire life, my favorite cartoon short of all time, "I Love to Singa," is actually on the Happy Feet DVD. i found out by just browsing the special features randomly. it's definitely the simple things.

anyone who wanted one of those mix CDs, i'm sorry i haven't gotten it out to you. management has scheduled me horribly for the last few weeks i've been here, and getting to the bank has proved impossible, let alone office depot. they're coming.