Wednesday, April 20, 2016

the middle place.

Standard zombie apocalypse dream, though it was set up more like The Last of Us. Walking out of this massive warehouse sometime right before it was starting to get dark and we crossed a train yard. For some reason, we thought walking on the rails would stir Them to find us. Something about that they laid their heads on the rails somewhere down the line and if anyone shook it, they would head in that direction. It was late in the outbreak and it was getting to a point where They were shutting down and waiting for the next people to cross them to engage. The biggest issue that we had [perceived] was finding other people to help us and to find a permanent residence. We were only two people and were starting to figure out that the more people we had with us, the easier it would be for us to actually live somewhere and not constantly walk from place to place.

At one point, it is getting dark and we split up because two rails go in two separate directions and I'm keeping my bearings on where she went but it's so dark that I can't see her. But I assume that she's walking in a certain direction following a certain track, so I know where she is. The more I walk, hoping to get back to her direction/rail, the more it starts to feel like when you're lost and you're driving and you're waiting for an exit or a good place to turn around. I feel that I'm getting farther off course and more disoriented. I end up in a tunnel where there is a train car that has sort of an old feel to it. I am inside of it and I look out the windows and I can't see anything out of it. I'm still in the tunnel.

When I hurry to get out of the train car, there is a feeling of a chase or the possibility of being noticed, so I am crouching down and running. I run in the direction that I came from, both panicking because of the way that I'm going to be caught or found and also because I have no idea what fate she might have met or if she's just walking, assuming everything is going to be okay. I end up at a school. The school has pull down garage doors that are slightly opened. I think to crawl under the door, and look in. There is the garage door, a small vestibule, and then another garage door that's opened just the same amount. I start to crawl under but I get this horrible sensation that if I'm found in there by people that might be inhabiting it, they will kill me or attack me anyway. So I sit against the side of the school and there's still the feeling of panic and I truly don't know what to do. So I start to get the urge to start yelling her name, but I don't because I know, obviously, that the 'chase' is still happening, They could be out there anywhere, and also the population of the school.

So I start walking in a direct line to where I think her rail may have led her. I'm walking across this huge field at this point, it's all lit up blue, kind of like walking at night on television or movies. It should be completely black, save for points of light on the horizon. I come to a point where I see her rail trails off further in another direction away from the way that I headed in the first place. So I start to follow it more closely and I follow it by looking for ahead and listening as well to hear her footsteps or any sounds.

I start to get the feeling that "combat" is now happening and I look around and there's one of Them, and they look like a scarecrow almost. There's no discernible face, just a loose body that is lunging, a head/face that you can't see and a mouth. And I fight it off with a big bar that would normally be too big to swing accurately, but there's an 'animation' that when I swing it, it starts from the furthest point of the staff and approaches the thing's head and it slows down time and I have to manage to aim it, almost like a Wii game, to hit it in the mouth. I have to do this several times and I eventually kill it.

I feel that there is nothing left around me, so I start calling her name because the battle has disoriented me, moved me further away from the rail where now I can no longer see it. And I can see the light of the school back in the direction I was coming from. And there's no response from her, and I panic again, the same feeling that I had, whether or not to go into the school or to not.

Wednesday, April 06, 2016

a collection within a range.

at the beginning of the year, i set up a "calendar" for myself, scheduling writing periods for different projects. just to see if it all would work, just to see if different pieces of fiction would make sense. just to dust off some old prints and put them to the light and see if they would develop. so far, some have and some haven't. some have the same core energy that i wanted in them and some have been taken back a few paces and reworked. some of them have turned from sad and dreary and weird into more upbeat "comedy" styles. it honestly feels like some of the best ideas i've had just need to be whittled down into short pieces, rounded off at the edges and made really nice digestible capsules that i can put out into the world and allow them to breathe on their own outside of a folder on my desktop. outside of an icon. some of these things have full days put into them, from conception to pause. whether it's actually sitting in front of the keys and hammering them in or just thinking on them between different days at work and having concepts that i want to work into them. there's a lot that goes into it.

but the fact of the matter (for me) is that all writing has always been done at its strongest when i am completely alone. wait. that's not what i mean. i need to be away from people who are going to try and engage me in conversation. from my fiance, my friends, my stepson... being near them, there's just not the attention and ability to dive directly into the work that i need. 

i'm currently in a Panera sitting among the breakfast crowd and these are the strangers i can be buried in and have no problem with. so even if i'm making eye contact and sort of getting some of their energy absorbed into me (not going all new age, but there's an undeniable avenue that we follow when we're met with other people indirectly. call it a vibe, call it an energy, call it your own unconscious thought. whatever it is, it's there.) and it's vibrating into the fiction.

this whole schedule/calendar, though, wasn't made to be disappointing or stressful. not in any way. so the fact that last month, kaleena was around every day and i wasn't getting up early to put in the writing work and i was spending all of my free time with her isn't something that i want to make me feel like a set back. no, that's really a gift that i didn't want to take for granted. so i'm a month behind and working on this sci fi story that i started during NANOWRIMO last november. one that i don't even know if it works out properly. but one that i have notes in two separate moleskines and in one composition book that i fairly well like. i'm hoping to have it done by the end of april. and to then move on to the next one in may and so on and so forth. i trust that i can do it if i stay focused, which is one thing that i've never been able to do with long fiction.

that's why those microfictions work so well. they're these blasts of ideas that don't leave the page. they don't even leave the moment. they're put out in such a quick fashion that they only have time to be exactly that. just a flip book. just a moment stolen from some other timeline. a couple of them ran into two cards sent to two separate people. but those are where my strength has mostly come. ones that i don't leave and come back to.

so far, i trust it. but it's "hard" work to make these work. and what's my goal? really, honestly, just to finish it. i'm going back to the place i was in 2003 or 2004 just writing a short story and sharing it with a handful of friends and seeing where they think it should be. bigger? smaller? exactly where it is? it's tough. a lot of times, i've seen into places where writers are being inspired by their peers and where authors are being lauded and i just can't agree. and i wonder where do these people get into THAT club that they've just inspired each other to do these flat projects without really 'succeeding' in writing these great stories. OR. i wonder how they are able to just not worry and write simple, cool stuff that they enjoy and not want more more more more out of it and themselves.

sci-fi piece at the end of April is the goal for right now.

microfiction project still rolling along super nicely.