tongue in teeth.

As I was saying...

I've never felt Love like this before. The kind where every step matters; means something new. Every move you make actually generates some sort of response. Your mistakes (and to a greater extent, your shortcomings) are not just boring ways to keep you status quo. They're reasons to start to watch your steps even more. No one has ever made me watch my steps before. Not until now. I've always called and cried for my downfalls to be pointed out to me. I've begged for them. No one's ever had anything to say. I've always demanded some sort of challenge, whether it be in the form of creative struggle, or an interpersonal dynamic. I've always craved something that dared to kill me if it wouldn't make me stronger.

This much is true:
i've cried more in the past three months or so than i had in a year and a half. i guess in ways, it sounds sadistic. in some ways, i'm sure it just doesn't add up. but this is something that i've been wanting and needing for a long long time. someone who doesn't just roll with the punches... someone who isn't afraid to dish it out sometimes as well. someone whose actions speak volumes. they say, "are you even listening?"

Think about it.
I've always been so damn strong. At least, I always thought I was. Maybe it was just that I had never been put up against any real adversity. There is no way that I can not grow from something like this. And think about any other twenty four year old (knocking on twenty five) that needs to grow up more than I do.

Granted, this is just one angle of my life. This is just Love. There are still layers and layers of things that I want to take on. To fail at. To succeed on. To waste my time on. But this right here, this girl, is someone who can bite back. Someone who can remember. Someone who, really, I have no control over.

Someone who, despite all of this, still Loves me back.

Oh,
Paranoia Agent never got any better.

There's a Fairweather song that I'm putting on Mix #10 that I always forget about, but that means worlds to me.

Still Paradise
Try to pretend that everyone’s not dying here.
See this youth that’s draining out and drying up.
The color fades.
We decay and turn away.
Won’t you try and cover up all our lives.
Don’t you try?

You find yourself falling apart when there’s nothing wrong.
Breathe in breathe out this is the end of me.
Fall in fall out there’s nothing permanent.
But is it possible that things move on while we’re breaking down.
Just hold me close.
Don’t let me go until I’m alright.

Cover us up and walk away.

The bolded piece of that mattered so much to me two Wednesday nights ago, when I went shopping for Christmas gifts. I feel affected by it, touched by it, consoled by it, and guilty of it, all at once. That's how it works for me, anyway. Especially in this relationship I have going on.

I've put such high stakes on Her for one reason or another. And due to this, I'm constantly finding things wrong that aren't even wrong. I'm coming down on myself and therefore affecting the outward trajectory of my wordsemotionsactions. Another new feeling, and direction. I've never felt jealous like this before about the little bullshit that exists. Call it the fact that in my last relationship I was left for another guy because I gave the girl all the trust in the world. Again, though, maybe I was just too distant in that relationship for it to work. Regardless, I get scared to death of the little and big things. I overcompensate. I undercompensate. I think I do everything except be comfortable at my own level.

It's a huge mistake.
But I'm trying.

This might sound too philosophist, but I don't know how else to come across. Nothing is permanent except for yourself. Forget your legacy, because once you're gone, it can be tarnished. Once you're gone, and you've done all that you can that's all the permanence that you can handle. Make yourself the number one priority. Love yourself and allow others to love you only as much as you can feel that you deserve. Don't let anyone in who doesn't deserve you. You really are worth that much. Believe me. Whether you're home in your own town, surrounded by friends, and things and places to experience, and a family that loves you, or if you're in a completely distant city with nothing of interest to note, nothing stimulating within traveling distance, or any love to warm you, there will always be the choices that you make to get you to that next step. Anything and everything that you decide will get you to the next hilltop or valley. If you choose to not choose you have accomplished absolutely nothing.

I made a difficult choice. I left everything I knew to come to a place that I knew nothing about. I took a chance. I'm still taking it. Without it, I would have never found things about myself that I need to know. I never would have found things about others that they didn't even know they could have said. I never would have tested myself. I never would have known real loneliness. That genuine solitude that I needed to have that I thought I completely understood. I never would have known how to balance bills. How to learn to get by.

I never would have known my limits as far as a living partner goes.

This decision is going to last until July. That's when the lease here runs out. I'm not sure where that will lead me. I'm really not completely positive where I'll lay my head at the end of this ticking calendar. But I do know that I'll be here another seven months. In about ten days, I'll be halfway through my Miami stay. And whether I'm coming home to Long Island, or even New York in general, or if I'm going to West Virginia, or the west coast, or Europe, or Asia, that's something I'll probably start thinking about in May or April of 2007.

I'm sort of floating right now.
You guys knew that about me. Come on.

So, me and Rahul ended up talking for about an hour and forty five minutes last week. It was genuine quality. I loved it.
I'm calling Brian tonight, some time after nine.
I want to try to get in touch with Dave to hangout again sometime before Christmas.
Kerry called a couple times this weekend, but I haven't had a chance to get back at her. Maybe tonight after Brian.

Still nothing from Carissa.
It hurts.
We spent a week together. And then some.
And then, silence.

Um,
but we've been playing Paper Mario for Gamecube. It's a solid RPG. No garbage, nothing drawn out beyond where it should be. Just Mario doing mostly Mario-esque things in paper form. A lot of clever puzzles are strewn about. Plus, there are a ton of awesome Mario universe characters drawn in a new art form (nothing new to the Mario-verse; I mean, how many different iterations of Goombas have we seen?), my favorites being the different kinds of Bob-Ombs they've been throwing into the mix, a Koopa Troopa decked out in a spiky knight uniform, and the softened up Buzzy Beetle. And the boss characters do not disappoint.

New Nas track is out of control. Hit the myspace for that.

I finished reading Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?. It was definitely a good, tight sci-fi novel. It felt more like a short story, though, the way things didn't pan out to huge proportions. It was pretty much a bounty hunter carrying through his missions, and, as sci-fi always does, it touched upon several different real-life problems in its own way (morality, religion) via the book's characters, and world. It was a good read, and one that you can no doubt get through in a week if you were really to try. It's worth it.

I'm currently reading Bradley Hathaway's All the Hits So Far But Don't Expect Too Much: Poetry, Prose & Other Sundry Items. The kid apparently tours with bands, and does spoken word poetry. The big problem with him is he doesn't have a whole ton of talent. I know I have more. At least, yo, let me break it down like this. Reading his stuff doesn't come across like he has any skill. Maybe it's the way he speaks it, maybe it's the way his stage presence steals you. I'm just not sure. But he just isn't that good with his words.

This is the sort of thing that blows me away.

In my mind, I have a lot of stuff to offer people hungry for verbiage.
And then this kid has a book published.
And has toured.

Ambition/Inspiration/Initiative: 45,000
Me: 0

the deadlock.

Paranoia Agent isn't the anime I hoped that it would be. At least, it hasn't established itself in the first two minutes as anything I'd want to pay attention to. I'm speed typing away on my sidekick, though, while I watch the end of the second episode. There are some cool ideas at work, visually. But the only characters that they've established are peripheral; ones that pop in sporadically. I know them more than I know the ones who are taking up most of the screen time. This is the kind of thing that steers me away from the genre. Sometimes, it's better to just watch television. While this medium has a TON of potential, it doesn't fully represent itself the way I know it could. I'm just about ready to take this and the next volume back without watching the rest.

What it seems to me is the entire series is a bunch of short stories that are tied together very loosely due to a storyline that cycles in the city.

I'm trying out Desert Punx next, because the imagery on that seemed interesting. Post-apocalyptic and desolate, with lots of gasmasks. Sounds like a good place to start.

I watched Girl, Interrupted the other night.
It brought me places.

It's kind of bizarre to think about contact, and lack thereof, and the thought that it could be everyone's fault, or my fault, or their fault, or no one's fault at all. Contact. It's like Team Miscommunication continues and continues without us even saying a word.

I'm going downstairs to get a snapple. I think. As a matter of fact, I'm walking to 7-11 to get a snapple. I want to use up more time.
-- and it isn't until now that I realize what David meant about Snapple being readily available up north.

I got water instead.

Love is hard. Just like Art is hard. Just like Creating is hard. The way this Love is, anyway. And I'm not sure if it's Justine, or Me, or Miami, or the fact that neither of us is Home. But it's choppier than I remember. A more involved beginning than I remember. More intense in every way than I've ever remembered. It's just new, I guess. Someone different, and a completely unpracticed way of doing things. That's the way it should always be. Relationships and matters of the heart aren't like math classes. There is no cumilative knowledge. Everything you learn is about yourself. And you can only hope to be able to use what you've learned. But nothing has ever been the way I've remembered it before. Nothing has ever been the same.

I've never been able to say,
"I remember this part."

Even when everything was happening over the phone, again. It was still all brand new.

Rahul plans to call tonight.
Brian called me Sunday.
I've actually seen Dave twice.
Kerry called Thursday.
Kailyn still makes frequent contact through several different airwaves.
Carissa is nonexistant.
Nicole and I shared some huge e-mails.
I miss Anthony, but we try.

The people that matter,
they're all trying.

(to be continued)

look:

this is me, november.
it's around 60 degrees everyday here, and i feel like i'm freezing.
i use my days off to clean most of the time.
i don't listen to music anymore, because nothing is worth listening to.
i never read.
these are mostly complaints, but they're buried.
i miss everyone.

i'm very happy.
i'll try to write more.

always e-mail me.
steve.cuocci@gmail.com.
always.

i think of you,
and of rusted out factories.

when they walk through ash, they'll name us by city.

Well I loved this town like you did
Ill burn it to the ground
Packed your things and then
You were gone
Called a new place home

Like you do
And you'll never change

More than lights expose who you are.

eyes locked for hollows.

i have been trying to finish the newest mix for many, many months it feels like. it's actually only been just short of three months. but it's just not coming together. it's because music has been very shallow lately. there are a few things that i've been working backwards on, but just about everything coming out that's new is uninteresting. the two big releases of the past two weeks? puff daddy, and brooke hogan.

such is The Industry.

a few suggestions.
1) read the site.
2) Oh, Sleeper: Legit breakdowns.
3) Sparta: the new record is not disappointing.
4) Misery Signals: the new material blows the old stuff out of the water. less dense, more experimental on their end. the new singer more than fills the old shoes.
5) John Legend: straight up r&b.
6) Fields: the first song on their profile is off of a new album which i'm instantly excited about.

so much has changed in a month's time, and it's hard to verbify it. i moved out of north miami beach, and down to south beach. dave got married and needed room for the mama rabbit. plus... i mean...

i sort of met someone.

it's hard to convince or describe to anyone the spontaneous eruption that ended up being Us. i think i actually might have said, "there's a new girl at work. she seems like she'd be really... interesting to talk to." i think this came at a completely random point in my conversation. i think it was obvious.

here:
I'm in Love.

don't.

it is.
it's hard.
it's so hard.

hostage me.

the tale of two cities never
knew obliteration like this.
we're talking population control.
we're talking martial law.
we're talking body count.

the scribes, the playwrights,
the painters, all debutantes,
reduced to memory.

blank media for years,
as unemployed muse
cartels roam the
gypsy paths.

surrounded by mountains; claustrophobic

i speak to her pseudonym in the third person.

this, from the 609.

five lines.

it's not a medication but a bellowing of the organs of your rhythmics.

i don't believe in the dead, but these are premonitions. that's right. i said fucking phantoms. haunting the inner workings of anticipation, the eyes, the smile.

notebook pages lines the roof of my mouth, waiting to be tasted. the things i ingest are aimed at your skin. i want to be heard in your footsteps. i want to feel you coming. i want to feel you coming.

bass heavy, like the ocean. a lung so deep, we're talking creatures. inhabitants.

the waiting at transit length is benign. a clairvoyant mentioned charmed existence, but i told her i was just a vagabond. my coating of arms, a penciled diagram on the blue lines. my reputation, a line in legendary sand.

X: THIS is a fucking opportunity to make a difference.
X: you don't NEED him.
X: this whole blocking/silence/crying thing... it's an opportunity.
O: im just scared i guess
O: that nothing else is going to come around
X: of life, of the world without THAT.
X: god.
O: and im not good at being single really
X: please.
X: give me.. BLESS me with a world without that.
O: i just dont think anyone else will be like genuinely interested in me
O: and i feel like if someone does come along - tha tim going to scare them away
X: DO YOU REALLY THINK HE IS?!
O::-X: just answer it.
X: if not answer it.
X: think about it.
O: i am thinking about it
O: its all ive been thinking about
X: it doesn't seem like it.
X: like, do you see what you're fighting to stay in! ahh!
O: i know
O: and i know its a shitty excuse
O: but like i said, im scared
O: im not as social as i used to be
X: this kid better have a dick like a sledgehammer.
O: we dont have sex anymore

oh my.
if there's anything that could ever defeat me, it's unworthy self doubt, and the death of a romance.

a locale.

giulia has this picture up on her myspace.
i asked her where it is so i can go visit it.
i'm pretty glad that it exists.
come with me.

"how fast do feet grow, my sister?"

Her: So, am I a messenger now, or something?
Him: Well, I mean, you could tell me where you live, so I could just punch it through your window.





just to set the record straight,
last night doesn't count.

a craning.

and then, just frames.
if we're quiet and shut the door,
they won't know.

so quiet, we'll scream in nerve endings.
quiet like window panes.

leaving fingerprints on the skin loving your ribcage.
leaving mouthprints on where your throat meets your vessel.
teethmarks.

so if it's dark and if we don't tell a soul,
they won't figure us out.
bring me in with you;
guide me at arm's length.
when we meet at the eyes again,
that's when it starts.
a soft and expectant sonata,
this will be our masterpiece.
breathe me in with all of you.

quiet like archways.

i want to see the shapes our clothes make on your floor.
dunes, i think.
mountain ranges, i think.
camouflage.

elbows and knees dividing the friction into angles. a craning neck and a smoothed out back. reaching out for you and me and everything and more. so much. handfuls, and nails. play the passion in my ears. don't stop.



and then, just frames.

a date.

i was on myspace looking through some bands that i hadn't heard about in a while. the hope conspiracy and ratatat just came out with records last week, and i was curious if i should buy them or not. i then went onto iron & wine's to see what/if he was doing anything [plus, i found out he was from miami] and then went to modest mouse's site to see if something was going down with them, and saw that they were playing some situation in miami on november 11th. i thought it was a joke. so i checked it out, and it said they were playing with gnarls barkley. this had to be a joke.

clicks later, this is no fucking joke.

the artists that i'm psyched about performing?
duran duran, tiesto, common, daft punk, gnarls barkley, modest mouse, thievery corporation.

the rest?
jesus. i'm about to spend a good chunk of my day looking through what these people are about. i'm psyched. they have a player on the site which i hope includes at least one gateway song for each. most of them seem to be solo artists named by their name which means DJs and such. i have NO problem with that

example:
george acosta. hirofumi ohta.

also performing:
haiku.

if you're not down with beat, electronic, or dance music, understandably, you're not going to be into this sort've event. but for a full day from eleven AM until midnight, this will be a day where i think being in miami will completely pay off.
.
-
it's been raining for three days. our lake is exceeding its threshold. even the ducks don't know what to do. i went to the management office this morning. i walked through puddles. huge ones. shin deep ones. it's a huge difference between me and the people i hangout with on a regular basis. the people at home. some of the things that i do, if it wasn't for me knowing them, those people would probably be pointing and laughing. i figure that might give them some insight on different people, but it doesn't.

i do, i worry about being too much of a child for this world, this life. but i really don't know how else to enjoy it. i don't take a lot out of technological toys. i'm not going to have a huge home one day to outlandishly illustrate within. it's always been the little things. maybe i've been instilled with too much of an appreciation for them, that it's hard for me to see outside of them.

i do, i think about the gene of the traveller. they're out there. they're everywhere. what is it that makes people want to be constantly on the move, and on the go. what makes people want to take these places down as words, and photographs, and sketches? i don't come from a horrible place. in fact, i don't think i could have had a better upbringing, or environment to come up in.

there are few things that make me more excited than the prospects and possibilities of who and what lies beyond these borders and these shores. i'm being completely honest with you. to think that somewhere, in london, there's a kid who loves a band as much as i love fairweather. the fact that, quite possibly, i've never heard of this band. i want to meet this guy, have him need to make me a mix CD. to have that feeling that it won't be enough for me to hear it on my own. i want to see his face, and his fingers while he's telling me how this band made his last few months.

this, over and over and over.
-
it's still raining.



-

why i shouldn't work at a record store.

que shiraz.

i think i finished what i've been working on since january seventeenth. it took four and a half months to materialize the emotions, words, and results which would then become the final product. i put it down for two or three months, and recently picked it back up again, and finished it. it needed to be extracted from me like venom.

i sweat this shit out like heroine.

i wonder what she would say if she read it. undoubtedly, it would come off as unfair. it's just my side. and i never saw her side of things, except when they were my side of things, maybe. it's so much behind me that i can't even remember. it's the saddest shit in the world, because i can't even place a moment in time where we were really in a bad way. the fact that it takes so little to qualify The End. i had to cauterize everything that was there. all the nerve endings, and all the memory-transit sealed shut.

i never dream.
but i did last night.

i went to a pub. it was mid day, all the sun coming through the tinted windows as filtered lighting. there was a host stand near the end of the bar where jimmy stood with a guy who had a short clippered blond head of hair. there was a girl there, too, but she was just a mental decoration that i must have thrown in for an ethereal form of feng shui. i asked jimmy if i could see the test that tina took. the other guy, i'm thinking he felt like a brother, or a best friend, started foaming something through grinded teeth. jimmy started writing on a piece of business paper, handed it to me, and then said, "i'm sorry, is it just me, or did i just steal your girlfriend?"

you'd think i'd be a puddle on the floor at this point. but instead, i laughed, said, "ha, shut the fuck up. let me just check this out." like i knew this guy. he hands me a piece of paper with jumbled words on it, and i don't even know where to start. the first one says, "L S T H". there are four more puzzles on the paper, each one adding an additional word to the mix. i just said, "aaight."

we ended up continuing to talk for a little while, at one point, even going so far as him showing me a voice mail that he received in november from her. it was just the sound of a voice, because in the dream, i wasn't about to craft a full voicemail in a voice i haven't really heard in months. so instead, i was just given the vibe. it was more or less the kind of message you leave someone when you're overwhelmed with emotion when you see/hear something that reminds you of them. the kind that you keep hidden away so well, that you don't even know it's there.

yeah, in my dream, maybe in real life, she left him that kind of message.
i was fine with it.

maybe it's just time.
maybe it's what i wrote.
something culled this dream out of me.
but that dream was the nail in the coffin.

it's over.

another dream i had before that
was protecting a military general's
reputation in the face of a wave of undead.

every fucking word.

he says:
All to be the ones, the original, the
conscience laden conqueror,
forecast new wave edition, the
prenumb stable grounded individuals
pass us by

The ones we're trying to hold on
The ones we're trying to come through
disorder

The ones we're trying to hold on
The ones we're trying to move through
temporary disorder

Factory born and level minded pardon
Them for the inability...pass us by...to
Prevent the downfall... the prenumb
Stable grounded individuals pass us by.
-

i say:
beyond the point of pretense and silent sensibilities. the way winds the way rains the way climates come your way, the way mouths move and pass breath. the way mouths move and pass words. seeing everything in cordial invitations. the barely breathe. the soaking wet. the want you here the want you here. oh, undeniably.

wear your prettiest dress.

pre-devastate.

my mind has been caught up in south beach and in new jersey.
i don't apologize.
i want to get lost.


but i'm getting tired of this reaching across miles.

soon.

i've been taking notes on life, though, as it goes by. there are some things i've been getting a little curious and excited about. i have receipts everywhere with emotions and interests on the backs of them. i should start carrying around my moleskine, if i'm going to be this observant again. sometimes, i just do the coast-along. it gets me in trouble with myself down the line. if i have that book on me, i won't be able to forget it. stay motivated, stay moving. at least, stay thinking. even if it's concerning anime, flash animated series, and cartoons, at least it's generating electricity. at least it's shaping more folds.




Trinity Blood is a new anime that's going to be coming through to Cartoon Network soon. It has that Castlevania look. The whole Victorian era with firearms thing. Beautiful and majestic if done correctly. Otherwise, it's hokey and full of excuses. With anime, it can go either way regardless of time period and theme. So with both of those in place, we'll see how we can actually do. Of course, this must be the relapse of the Victorian era, because the storyline will take place in the future, amidst a war between Vampire and Human. The artwork is really what intrigued me, not so much the story. It might either fall into place, or fall apart. Wait for it.




Ninjai is something I've forgotten about for over a year. At least. It's a flash animated series about a small ninja boy with mad skills. That's really the best way to put it. His origins are still a mystery. I think I left off somewhere around chapter five, and they actually have a dozen to check out. They take a while to load, but the artwork and interactions are real nice. The voice acting could use a little work at times, but fuck it, that's definitely not what you come to anime for.




Karate is a band that I can thank Nothing Feels Good about. The book is going through the history of emo and the scene. It's not something I need. I think I have most of it down. But small little loopholes and band name-drops are the kind of thing that are obnoxious on the surface, but really, we're all taking a lot of notes. This band is definitely what I imagine when I think of emo. I bought "Every Sister" from iTunes and was digging it big time. I'm previewing all the tracks on that album right now and they all have that same slow vibe to it. It's so low maintenance and sad. I love it.




Fearless will, apparently, be Jet Li's final martial arts epic and I feel horrible about that. From the Once Upon a Time In China series to Hero everything he's done has been at the very least solid. The whole thing is sort've getting the "hype" rumor, which is good. Either way, Li will be representing Huo Yuan Jia, a real person who is one of the most famous martial artists in Chinese history. Regardless, this should be a sick martial arts movie to say the very least, and if Jet Li decides to make it his last, I'm sure he won't go out without some sort of bang. Cross your fingers, bang or not, this is only rumor.

-

days ago...
somewhere, horrible is happening. someone is saying, "but i can try..." and "but why!" right fucking now, someone's trying to not have an enormous piece of their life disappear. somewhere, they're taking what's left and taking inventory. this guy, no matter what he has, it's adding up to nothing tonight.

this morning
i'm surrounded by this city, but i'm just not here. like staring at the Vatican through the eyes of a demigod.

what is it you needed to show me of the steadied hand? moderate my angles. demonstrate the way the country looks on unlined paper; all splatter-sketched, a new way to see through your eyes. leave me with rustic examples.

i want to feel
your bite and your scratch.

in silent post-vocal hours, i'm playing the unremarkable role of the ambient. the music leaves minor-key stab wounds, soft lights needling in like excavations.

i could just be a terrible aggressor.

add this to the list
how did i forget?

i think i have plans.
still not sleeping... still great reasons.

thoughts are king, trixie. king.

i just finished reading this book about twenty minutes ago. it left me in a much different place than it picked me up at, that's for sure.

The author isn't one that I think I'd end up becoming a fan of. the use of language was pretty luke-warm. some things stood out (as you'll see at the bottom of this post) but nothing was outstanding to me. she had a lot of decent pop culture references, often making a horrible habitat out of the city of LA. i even feel like, on a micromanaged basis, nothing was actually happening in terms of the smaller events that took place in this book.

it can almost be summed up into four parts:
- the meeting
- the honeymoon
- the exodus
- the devastation

i only really was enjoying the book as pretty terrible things were happening. for a while, Jacob Grace, the love interest of the narrator of the book, goes off on a Jim Morrisson soul-seeking quest which ends up jilting the whole flow that was going on between the two of them. during the aftermath of that, i was really getting into what was going on. but when things started to look up again, it started to seem like things had peaked, momentarily, and we were going to head back to the plateau.

but then, the devastation comes. much like Vonnegut did in Cat's Cradle, the last pinch of pages are a complete turnaround from the rest of the body of the book. and as much as it was awful, it still had me fucking glued to the pages. if i could, i would quote the entire text of the fifty second chapter. the build up of this entire book (the first two hundred and ninety four pages out of three hundred twenty nine) are meant for these last moments.

i just kept repeating, out loud:
"but he came back... but he came back."

if nothing else, the unleashing of that emotion made the entire book worthwhile.
now, quotes.

--

"It just brought me down."

"...every word he uttered were a self-portrait."

"They forget that grief, or they bury it. I never could."

"...he had that look like he still remembered.... He found value in it. He wasn't plagued by it."

"It flourishes, but it's doomed."

"I wondered if he talked that way because he was a writer, or if he was a writer because he talked that way."

"I was going through my Ayn Rand phase." [note: AYN RAND IS NOT A PHASE!]

"...known only as someone's wife."

"...not yet fat, but has the propensity."

"A space-age Ascension."

"...a shark could beat up a dog."

"I will leave before I am left."

"Our never-quite-blossomed friendship would become a casualty of a breakup."

"How many times in your life are you allowed to say, 'if only...'?"

"'This will never happen in Memphis!'"

"...sustaining an apocalyptic focus..."

"...wet with his mourning."

"...for God's sake, the guy had to hold on to something."

"His father would have been proud of him. His father would have called him up and said, I'm sorry, please be my son because you're everything I always wanted to be but never could become."

"...the house his family inhabited."

"...the chaos he felt."

"...the city up ahead."

"I wanted to be enough to fill the universe inside of Jacob Grace."

"That's what happens when you're raised around a lot of static.
You learn to tune it out."

"To have so many obnoxious people appreciate my work felt like a small failure to me."

"I saw a ghost town."

"I began to hate Jacob. I couldn't think about anything else, just hate."

"He was going to write a book about it someday."

"...her hands were history books."

"...an end could never come to a person who was more alive than anyone I'd ever known."***

"He was more than the sum of the parts..."

"...their lives would be refilled with life."

"...crawling with phantoms..."

"...I believe in the possibility of everything."

"'Thoughts are king, Trixie. King.'"***

"I missed my unforgettable friend.
The days will be brighter because he existed.
The nights will always be darker because he is gone."

"I had to keep going."*****

new steps.

i have this weird thing with sneakers. i will wear a pair until i find the next one. i think this must be how the life of a snail works. but, yeah, i was rocking the asics for a minute. and i was fond of them. i was definitely digging them. but i started daydreaming up NEW asics that i would have to create on my own. and they were urban inspired.

i went to the mall today.

i always stop in shoe stores, just to look at what's out there. and i found a pair that is my new shell. it's also my first pair of converse all stars. check them out.



the brooklyn bridge


the inside; a map of brooklyn


the tongue; brooklyn


okay, so i'm not from brooklyn. so i've only been there once. but i love the idea of what brooklyn USED to be. what it's become... eh, not so much. but believe it has that urban feel that i was sort've going for. it's hard to really touch on what i'd really love. i'd probably be better at photoshopping the pair than actually making them.

maybe i will.

-

tonight, i got reminded of the power of trees.

of course, me and my modern thinker sensibilities led me to the cross between infrastructure and nature.




i would love to drive through a tree in california. this particular one is located 185 miles north of San Francisco, in the city of Leggett in Mendocino County.



the reason trees even came up is because i was going on (and on and on and on) about where i would love to travel by the end of my youth. i could say by the end of my life, but that's not true. i can never trust the nature of a genuine nature, not even my own. i want the ME i am now to see this.

the very last thing that i want to see before i die is the sphinx of gaza. i have always loved it, and the story behind it.





humans built this.

while the idea that the great tsunami, and insane earthquakes, and hurricanes, and gravity would happen, regardless of whether we are here or not, there are just some things that humanity have accomplished (modern or ancient) that have stolen me.

-

i bought more books. someone stop me.
(1. 2. 3. 4.)

-


this sort've devotion, and willpower to partake in self-immolation in protest of a war is the thing of legend. few have the conviction to even voice themselves against a particular cause. this man's death is a landmark. this image is the reminder that allowed it to touch me the way it has. i can't even give credit to the photographer here. i would have paid to witness this.

this is my favorite burning man.
but i have a feeling that might change.

a dead epic.

World War Z

brian (resident zombie aficionado; writer) brought this to my attention. zombies are a concept that many people take on in many different forms. you can be a fan of the running zombie, the walking zombie, or the spooky zombie, or the voodoo zombie, and none of them are right.

that is, not until the day comes.

i've read most of the walking dead series. i've been playing dead rising. i am a fan of the walking zombies amidst real situations. running zombies bring to me the same kind've terror as riots and terrorism. even though they're dead, it still feels, to me, that they're alive. it almost eliminates the zombie from the wake of destruction. it feels like it could be anything.

this is a book i'm definitely looking forward to.
however, i have several, still, that i'm trying to get through.
nothing wrong with building a queue.
---
also, if you haven't yet noticed, i've included an image on the right of the page to my last.fm which gives you a heads up on what i'm listening to over the past week. just in case you're curious. you can click that image, and it'll take you to a few more charts as well, including most listened to overall, and recently listened tracks.

stratow!

i want my hands to learn to create.

this is from the graphic novel series flight.
#3 came out last month.

i'm into it.
i'll be looking for it.

just for one thing i put together, i would love to be able to paint for you the way it looks in my head. i always say that i can't depend on people. i hate depending on the actions of others. getting places, taking care of tasks, putting things in their hands. i just can't do it. sometimes, even the smallest things like showing someone a song i've recently fallen in love with is hard for me, because instead of showing them the song, i just want to thinly slice the way it makes me feel, instead. the same with words.

i guess it's a weakness of mine that i want to customize my audience's reaction.

this still makes my stomach turn.

9.30.2003
A few days ago Fairweather decided to stop being a band. It's a shame because this is the strongest incarnation of FW that I've had the opportunity to be a part of. Everyone in the band is one of my best friends and an incredible musician. However, there are those of us that aren't in the right place in our lives to continue working the way we've been working.

I will forever miss what I had with this band. I can confindently say that this has been the single best experience of my life. Thank you to everyone who has supported Fairweather in large and even small ways. Dan and Equal Vision Records are to be commended for being the last bastion of hope in a world of music that seems to grow more hopeless with every chord. Support what they do.

As for shows. We will continue to play all of the shows we have booked. We wanted to have one last opportunity to share with you before we go. We will be doing a five week tour with Give Up The Ghost starting in a few days. I can't wait.

For those of you in the DC area, you'll be happy to know that St. Andrews Church in College Park is coming back as a venue. Our last show ever will be its first show back. Check back for more details later.

Love,
Jay and Fairweather

there and back again.

call it a homecoming or call it a vacation. call it a visit or call it an adventure. whatever you want to label it, this past week was one of the greatest capsules of time i've ever experienced. all of you who've been a part of it, you were elemental in what it's been to me. it's not the place, it's the people. it's not the where, it's the who.

if you know me, i don't have to say
"you have to believe me."

i'd known i was coming up since june 30th. one person knew what was going down, and only because he was going to be my ride from the airport, sort've. it never happened. regardless, we both did a pretty crafty job of keeping things under wraps. the faces people make when a phantom walks through their door is no longer something i need to have imagined to understand. as far as that portion of the week goes, it was a complete success.

my flight was surreal. i sat next to a five year old who was attended by his grandmother, and his sister who sat behind us. he was all five year old, with his fidgeting, his rolling in his seat, and his button pressing. what made him stand out was the looking up at me and making pac man noises. what made him memorable was his mumbling in deep voices that said, "hi, i'm chris. i'm chris. i have a big beard. i have a... i have a big beard. my name is santa clause. but my name is chris." and his imagination left the biggest impression on me when he ran this line of logic towards his sister.

"Melissa. Melissa. Do you know Jaws? [no reply] Do you know Jaws? [no reply] Oh. He's a shark. [oh, yeah, i know Jaws.] Some people are scared... some people are scared that he's in the bathroom, in the toilet or the bathtub. [Are you?] No."

Mid-morning, some thousand miles high, after iced tea, but before an oatmeal cookie, he was pondering Jaws and how the concept of this fictional predator plagued his peers. You can't fake that.

I landed and was picked up by my dad in his pickup truck. I found myself talking to him like I would anyone else I hadn't seen in a long time, and not like he was my father, or my dad, or that guy who raised me. No, we talked about the transvestite population, smoking, weight loss/gain, people I've met down there, and music. Things were already beginning to change while I was living here, and between e-mails and distance, things have just continued to gel to the point of copasetic stature. I used to think he was someone who was just there to keep me in line, now I know he's someone I need.

Especially when my mom's cough is scaring me the way that it has been for months.

After coming back to the house, seeing my dog who didn't seem to recognize me, and seeing the progress that the summer has shown my backyard, I went to Vitamin World to make the first jaws drop.
And drop they did.
I stayed there for hours, and we all looked different, with beards missing, hair and bodies grown or shrunk, and all the little things you'd never see over the course of everyday living. I'd worked in that store for a couple of years, and it was still the same, but it looked much better. More open. More inviting. As I complimented them, they had no idea how to take it, partially because they couldn't see the progress they'd been making since they see it every day, and partially because when you work somewhere, it always has that stock look of where you work. You start to notice tape dispensers, and awkward boxes instead of "real" things like shelving, and the appeal of a display.

I got home, made a sandwich, and watched ESPN. My sister walked in to a scene that she'd been walking in to for years. Some routines just do not die. Seeing her was great. We're both just like everyone our age: always online. But we've never been the best at talking on AIM, but we've done the myspace thing, every so often. She's great. She's grown so much as a person and become more of a developed person as opposed to the bit of a characiture of an NCC Student she was forming into before recently. She's calming down. The drinking, the partying, the smoking, the useless friend syndrome, all of it sort've fading away. Still definitely there, definitely real, but to a more conscious degree. I think she finally shook free enough of the bullshit to be able to step back and observe herself instead of being caught up in the observing what she could DO to herself. She's definitely one of the best people I know, and I think once she gets both feet back on the path that she has mapped out, she'll be on a steady course. For now, though, it's a little shaky, but at least not lost.

We ate dinner together as a family, as I dominated in Jeopardy!, and nailed a Wheel of Fortune puzzle without the use of one letter. Typical Cuocci family dinner fare. And, as expected, my mom came in to me in tears. My mom's a cryer. Happy. Sad. Laughing. She's just a cryer. That's pretty much the only thing that I didn't get from my mom that I didn't get. Other than that, I'm more made up of my mom's blueprints, and my sister is made up of my dad's. I still adlib a lot. But the basic foundations are definitely from the Barna line.

Rahul showed up after leaving work and taking the train, etc., and it was my first time seeing my damn brother since I left, and there was not ONE THING that was different at all. It was like we both just had a busy week and hadn't seen each other since the past Thursday. Same jokes, same momentum, same silence-as-conversation. Kid looks good, man. We designed the plot to meet up with Kim and Mikey, with me being the punchline to the "i have a surprise for you" joke. It worked. Took pictures in a bra. Some Nilla Wafers were involved, also. When Mikey got off of work, we went to the Diner that we always went to. Our diner. Embassy Diner. Saw Anthony, Jon, Nick Carbone (pissed), & Lauren of Phase 9, and Billy Calderon of Envy Arcadia, and Saw The Cay in the mirror in the mirror. Ate half of a grilled cheese and tried my best on the fries. Got shunned because my appetite isn't what it used to be. Took more pictures. Returned to Flamingo and made jokes about bodily functions and horrible human beings. Then took the party back to Dix Hills where it was all video games, and keeping things copasetic.






I haven't slept in a bed in months.
So I haven't been able to sleep in any beds this week.

I woke up, and had missed the ride/plan to go to a Cracker Barrel with Carissa, Mike, and Stephanie. But that's just randomization. I read magazines (1. 2.) until Rahul woke up, and we went to Best Buy where I picked up some movies (1. 2. 3.). Headed back into Levittown to see Miami Vice, or do anything that would kill time. Got Kim, visited the old movie theater, and talked to some kids who I've missed. Didn't see Miami Vice. Went to Bill's Friendly's instead.

Ate a sandwich, an ice cream cone.
Met his new woman.
Made plans which would begin the randomness of 48 hours.

We followed secondary horrible directions to the Seaford/Massapequa area which held Bill's new lady's home. Brought Red Stripe and Dixie Cups for beer pong. We had no idea what to expect. The house was on the water of a canal. The family was home and in the backyard, with iTunes songs streaming both in the basement with the Yankee game on, and outside, which held a tent reserved for beer pong. Between Bill and Kristen and their friends, and us, we had an okay amount of people to play a bit of an exhibition style of a tried and true drinking game. It was the first time Rahul or I had seen Bill drunk in front of more than just us. It was the loosest we've seen him. Chilling and being expressive in front of people who we barely knew he knew. More progress. It was a relief. The story behind Bill has always been a little weird. He always had his own thing going on, and wasn't really into our new things that we'd grown into. It never felt like growing apart, but that's what it was. It seems like the new girl is shaking him down a little bit, and keeping him a bit more grounded and less concerned about siphoning himself off from pieces of conventional recreation that people our age are a bit more adjusted to. If that's the last time I see him until I go back, it will be a perfect cross sectioned look at what is to come in his immediate future. If it matters at all, know that I approve.

Our lucid night continued into Stout's, a nice bar that has always been down the block from my house, apparently, that I'd never even noticed on the side of Hempstead Turnpike. Rahul's friend, Amy, decided to get the East Meadow clique (Rahul's new crew) together over there, and had a decent showing. I saw people I knew (Brynn, Askin, Chezz (of the Mercurial) and lots that I didn't (nameless group) and had a good time, for what it was. I was already starting to get relatively buzzed by the canal, and had a couple more beers there. I wasn't drunk, but if I picked up the pace, or started shutting down the mental, I could've been. Got a few phone calls with dashes of minor panic, and requested that when we left, instead of getting dropped off at my house, I could go to Carissa's.

We left, and blasted DJ Khaled's Holla At Me, which has definitely become one song of the theme music of this week. I got out once we reached the Hicksville stop, made minor plans, sort've, for the rest of the week, and made the call to the sister figure. It wasn't that she didn't pickup, it was more that the phone wasn't on. Sitting on the stoop, Red Stripe/bottle opener in my pocket, I'm trying to figure out whether to knock on the door, or call, when I see a car pull up.

I was confusion.

Her boyfriend gets out, and I think I get the picture. She comes out of the house, and I'm almost instantly asked/requested to come with them. Where, I guess, didn't matter. I got in the back seat of her boyfriend's brother's car, and end up at another party in Hicksville. It's the kind of get together we would orchestrate. Six to seven kids in an apartment, listening to music (Cursive), sitting on couches. There was beer, and an uncut cake, and eventually weed. I was that kid who shows up. I'd met one of the kids once. Suddenly, the dynamic of Carissa's boyfriend went from dude I barely knew to kid I knew the most out of the non-related. It was mildly jarring. I finished my Red Stripe, and retired to the outdoors to talk to Dave about what was happening. It went like this.


loveitxleaveit: Craziest vacayion ever.
awinedrowning: [AWAY] my computer is possessed.
awinedrowning: how so?
loveitxleaveit: Existentialism.
awinedrowning: ex.is.ten.tial.ism. noun. A philosophy that emphasizes
the uniqueness and isolation of the individual experience in a hostile
or indifferent universe, regards human existence as unexplainable, and
stresses freedom of choice and responsibility for the consequences of
one's acts.
loveitxleaveit: Dude.
loveitxleaveit: Get this.
loveitxleaveit: Tonight involed a lot of insanity and I dono if can
deal.
loveitxleaveit: I went tp a party and met my friend bill's gf who is
completely out of his leauge..
loveitxleaveit: Maybe not out of his league, but out of the league we
put him in.
loveitxleaveit: THEN/
awinedrowning: LOL
loveitxleaveit: We went to a bar where I went to meet all of rahul's
friends frome ast meadow who he's chillin with who I don't even know.
awinedrowning: you're definitely typing like you are drunk, that's for
sure. lol
loveitxleaveit: It was awesome.
awinedrowning: so bill's new gf is hottt?
loveitxleaveit: Completely out of this world, people who I've heard
names, but never heard voices, and never heard more than their name
mentioned.
loveitxleaveit: NO
loveitxleaveit: A
loveitxleaveit: But she's a 7.
loveitxleaveit: Whereas the kid used to be at a 2.
awinedrowning: noa?
loveitxleaveit: So,, yo, IMPROVE,ENT.
loveitxleaveit: And now, believe this.
loveitxleaveit: I'm at a party at a kids house I don't even know...
awinedrowning: against the last beast he was with, a napalm victim would
be an improvement.
loveitxleaveit: Who's birthday was on august 98th
awinedrowning: AUGUST 98TH.
awinedrowning: AMAZING.
loveitxleaveit: And carissa's birthday ois on the 100th.
awinedrowning: you are perfect right now.
loveitxleaveit: So I'm hanging otu with her ON HER BIRTHDAY WITH a kid
who is sortve completely sanctioned for birthday right now.
loveitxleaveit: I have no idea who this kid is!
loveitxleaveit: Hahaaha
loveitxleaveit: Mazing@!
loveitxleaveit: And then like kids are smmking and flipping out and I'm
in hiksvile without a car, and I dono how I'm getting home, but its
sortve close-ish..
loveitxleaveit: Ya know..
awinedrowning: not close enough, man
loveitxleaveit: Red stripe has been here the whole time, so that's OKAY
at least I'm not stranded.
loveitxleaveit: I've been trying to slip chris and carissa (chris is her
bf who is also here without advocate) a $20 for driving me here (I think
it was his broither)
loveitxleaveit: But i t won't work!
loveitxleaveit: And its only my second full day her\!
loveitxleaveit: And
loveitxleaveit: The best part is..
loveitxleaveit: I am a shady monstrosity!!!!!!!!
loveitxleaveit: Because I showed up to her house at the same time as her
boyfriend!!
loveitxleaveit: Like what a weird kid.
awinedrowning: i don't understand what you're saying, but i will defend
to the death your right to say it.
awinedrowning: so are you enjoying it at least?
awinedrowning: i wish i could have been there when you walked into
vitamin world.
loveitxleaveit: Best.
awinedrowning: you got a cd in the mail to review. i haven't opened
it.
loveitxleaveit: Fagets.
awinedrowning: LOL
loveitxleaveit: Lol
awinedrowning: awinedrowning signed off at 2:11 am.


More than hilarious, it was also a pretty good sign of the type of night I was having.

We called Sean Botcher (Welwyn) to pick us up, and he took a little while. I was on my back, talking on the phone/AIMing. This will ruin your equilibrium on its very own, let alone when you have some substances in you. I got up obnoxiously fast. I fell down obnoxiously slow. I wished more than anything else that I would've had a video camera capture it (for future usage). Because it wasn't a dufus fall, and it wasn't a drunken mess fall. It was a goofy kid who stood up too fast fall. I didn't get hurt, and I never get embarassed. I would've at least liked to get it as a digital memory. This text based retelling will be the best we'll have.

Apparently, I was speaking too fast on the ride home.

As soon as I got out of the car, Marissa's brother, Chris (current screenname: shakeyourweeweex, former screenname: ilovepotxx; member of Kidnap Tonight) calls me and since he lives around the block, I start my walk over there. I'm a block away from his house when I get pulled aside by a girl who was with a group of kids sitting on a lawn at 7 Cove Lane. One of the kids there included Lenny Gomez, someone who I'd been to a ski trip with, who hungout with Matt McGregor (>his short films) who'd just gotten back from backpacking across Europe. We discussed Europeans, travel, art, music, and Levittown acquaintances and exchanged #s just in case. The other girls there were all on their way to college in a few days, and were moderately free from passion, but it was too early to tell if it was worth giving up yet. They were still youngish. Pete (see: Billy Calderone, Envy Arcadia) IM'd me and I told him to mapquest where I was (X), and he showed up in seven minutes, and sat with us for a little while. We went to the Embassy Diner again. We had the waiter who has the bowtie, easily one of the most down to earth people in that joint. Not a cartoon. Not a mess. We talked about a lot, as always.

He dropped me off at home, and I slept in my shoes, in my Gardiners Ave. bed for the first time in two and a half months, with a large stuffed dog as my pillow. It took little to no time to fall asleep.

That was my first full day in Levittown.

I woke up at 10:30 with plans to put in action. It was the birthday situation at night, with the party bus, etc., and I had to find out what the attire was supposed to be, and what the vibe of the club was. I headed to the website (Culture Club) and found out that I would not only need a shirt that could both represent my taste in clothing (camiseta) and look decent. I would also come to find out that I needed shoes that weren't sneakers, something that ended up being a hard thing to come through with. I showered, and headed out to the Roosevelt Field Mall to surprise Kerry at work. She bugged out, fantastically. She said to be back at one.I went to see who was working at the pink box, but it was someone completely new, who apparently did a good impression of me. I got my shirt, and walked around the mall, really trying hard to find shoes that I was going to not only wear for one night, but a pair that would last me through other situations as well. I couldn't find The Pair.

I was frustration.

With a half hour to kill, I decided to look in the book store for a little while. I found an amazing magazine that I plan to subscribe to once I get back home. It covers anime, multimedia, and video games, all things that I find as part of my hobby set. The art design is really thick, and filled to the brim with pictures. You'll be hardpressed to find any sort've of blank space on the pages. Some games even had full page spreads of game artwork, untouched by text. It felt like the first time I had flipped through Giant. Which, actually, has since gone to shit. They had a nice run, definitely a specific niche of magazine which was targeted towards guys, but not Dudes, men but not Men. If you had no sense of geek running through your headpiece, you weren't going to like it, and we were all really into that. They had lots of good obscure/B actors in there with great interviews, and even very interesting re-running features which included looks at what some actors had in their book, DVD or CD collections. Now that was cool. It's starting to blend a little bit with the rest of the men's magazines which get a little too fratty or my taste. We'll see. They're still progressing. I'm not sure that they've been around for a year yet.

When I went back to the store to meet Kerry for her break, she told me that she got the rest of the day off, which meant we were going to be on our way out to do some awesome stuff. We went back to her house to let her shower since there was no running water in her house, and while she was getting ready, I watched a DVD that she set up for me, which was a pretty awesome way of showing hospitality. Once we were ready to roll, we went back to the mall to get my mom's car, and to see if Mike Magnetico (OpOp, xKEGSTANDx) was working, but he wasn't. From there, we left and headed back towards home, but since I had a song stuck in my head, I had to head into Best Buy again to cop the disc. We went briefly back to my house to wait for Kim and Rahul to get to the trainstation, and we ended up heading back out to a mall, because the fact that I couldn't find a specific book was frustrating me. So we hit up the Broadway Mall which I hadn't seen in a while. I ended up really getting caught up and found a bunch of books that I wanted (1. 2. 3. 4.)

Even though we don't game so often anymore (read: never), whenever I'm inside book stores, I want to check out the gaming section. Whereas the World of Darkness series used to be these five games of a world nearing the apocalypse, things have happened in the game. That, to me, is insane. The world itself has progressed. For example, check out how Werewolf went from :the Apocalypse to :the Forsaken. Vampire went from :the Masquerade to :the Requiem. I'm really very interested in the whole storyline, and what exactly happened (hence the two books above). I also started browsing the White Wolf site again and found a game called Promethean: the Created (here, too). It seems like it will be an outstanding game. I may have to creep up on a rulebook somewhere. Stoked about them, big time.

Sorry to break the train of thought of the day. Bought books, then went to Hot Topic so she could visit her old manager from the other store, and then we went to the Hicksville Train Station to pick Kim and Rahul up. While there, I got a call from Carissa who I had been trying to get in touch with for most of the day to let her know about the difficulty I had been having getting non-sneaker kicks and possible pants (but jeans were cool; i had no idea). So when I told her I was having a hard time with the shoes, and might not be able to come, it was pretty much disappointment city.

And I was guilt.

We swung by her house, right around the block, and I ended up deciding that I'd be going, as the original plan was. That was the plan from the jump, and literally, I was the one who decided to change that because I couldn't get the answers that I was looking for. It's been the most stressful thing this entire week to try to work out a situation where I can figure out what I'm doing at night or during the day. Everyone wants to do something all the time. And I want to do things all the time. But whereas it was first come first serve at first, it was coming to the point where I was making absolutely sure I was seeing the people I hadn't seen yet. I feel like that was frustrating, letting down, and guilting out other people. That's fine, though. By Sunday, I hadn't really spent quality time with Carissa, Mike Magnetico, Anthony, Tina, Lauren T, or Kailyn, people who I really had on the check list to make a point of making sure I saw, no matter the mileage or timing.

But, regardless, when I broke down the situation to Kim, Kerry, and Rahul, they were understanding about it. I'm trying to think how I would react in that situation, and I think how they did it was the best case scenario. We ate dinner, and again, my weak appetite ended up overfilling me after eating HALF of my meal, and then we went our separate ways. I went home, got arranged, and headed over. The kids there were all kids who knew each other, and then me. Her brother was there, her boyfriend was there, both of whom I'd met before. There was a kid, Chris, who I'd met several times, with the JTHM tattoo. Then there were kids from Never Hurt Better. Sean showed up, and so did Cerami (novemberkills), so things got a little bit opened up, socially. The party bus showed up pretty late, and when we entered the damn thing, it was a pretty chill little situation. We got on the move and a mix CD was playing which was from 2003, but sounded like it was from 2001. Everyone was drinking or dancing while we were rolling. People found it was a necessary step to babysit me to make sure I wasn't sulking, since I was doing neither. I was carrying on a conversation via instant messenger on the sidekick. Once we got inside, the place there was empty, but it was fine. We brought the most beautiful people with us, and left our stamp on the place. The dance floor was colored and lit up intermittently like a Simon game. Pacman artwork along with Atari and Delaurean paraphernalia were all represented in neon platelets everywhere. They played music that was old school, but it was almost bad-wedding-ish in its variety. I was hoping for some other bands or groups (1. 2. 3. 4. 5.), but it's fine. I still had a good time for what it was. I had some good conversations with the Michaels at the very end of the night which involved hip hop, and other types of things. I tried to get some of those kids' numbers, and I'm not sure when I'm going to be using them, but it'll happen. We'll see what happens. The ride home was scattered conversations and passed out sweaty bodies. When we got home, the people who were too drunk to go home slept in the living room while everyone else headed home. I drove Sean home, and had a good conversation with him in the process.





I took passport photos which came out hilariously bummy and malled and ate good taco bell for the first time in a long time. Mikey accompanied me to Chris and Marissa's house where I finally got to see those kids and their family. It's been a pretty weird ride with those kids, but I'm sort've a welcome addition in their family when it comes down to it. They were in Florida, but hours away. I got to see the little sister, the mom and the dad. They said hopefully they'd be coming through to Miami next time, so hopefully we can coordinate some sort've situation. After hanging out with Brian and rocking Wing Zone at his house, a bunch of us met at Leisure Time where we named some nicknames, and ended up by a library playing soccer.

Hanging out with Brian is always some of the best times. We always end up talking for the entire time, it seems. It just comes from learning so much about communicating with each other for hours at a time while working together. We know each others' pacing, and the quirks, and just exactly what each other might mean by certain movements, or under/overstatements. We are just on top of things on perfect levels. It's helpful that we share a ton of the same interests. He actually had a copy of Rolling Stone magazine with an interview with Kurt Vonnegut. He's one of the few people that actually remember that he's my favorite author. It's things like that that are key. I saw Tina and Nikki at Mr. Beery's at night, and verbally agreed to coffee on Monday. Not one of you can blame me for not believing in it.

For an entire Sunday, I was home in the house. I finished Atlas Shrugged. It took me about seven months, mostly because of long delays I would put in between reading sessions, but when it was gametime, I would be completely devouring the plot, the characters, and the philosophies that were let loose on the world through text. The amount of depth that Ayn Rand went into made it hard to believe that this was a work of fiction. As I've stated time and again, this book is most likely one of the most important pieces of literature I'll get through in my life. Ms. Rand and her objectivism have been a part of me through most of my adult life, this book just gave it a name and a focus. I plan to continue to let it live through me. There are more than enough people who can learn from it in my sphere of influence and hopefully it will spread from there. I wish to hopefully affect someone as greatly with anything I do, say, or write as much as this book has affected me. Scroll down to the entry directly before this to see the quotes that I underlined. The asterisks, sort've obviously, depict the strength the quote showed to me. What I find incredible, you might find heavy handed, which is absolutely fine. All books are not for everyone.





Make it happen.

I did leave to sell a few DVDs and CDs at FYE, and made $37 off of a small fraction of the pile I wanted to give to the company. Unfortunately, since I came in sort've late, they couldn't take more than 10 off of my hands, so I am left with a B. Dalton bag full of homeless media. I could hold on to it until I come back here, this way I can drop it in for some easy cash. Not a bad idea. I finally got to legitimately see Carissa outside of buses, random hicksville apartments, and 80s hype houses, and it was a casual rendezvous consisting of the reading and the talking that we always do. If she isn't the most important person in my life, she's definitely a candidate. Top 3. A lot of it is because of both the random action of our get togethers as well as the zen moments of our comedowns. Aside from sleeping at our homes, we spent several consecutive hours together with popcorn, fruit, starbucks, notebooks, and soaking wet cargo shorts. Appropriately enough, I'd have to say that the fact that we hungout on five of the eight days that I was there, but extremely sporadically and not doing anything in direct particularity is an exact cross-section of our relationship. C'est la vie.

I also had this conversation with a random person, which they started early Sunday morning/late Saturday night. Times have been included.

White Tear Angel (3:59:45 AM): Hello?
White Tear Angel (6:46:54 AM): TALK TO ME
White Tear Angel (6:46:56 AM): PLEASE
White Tear Angel signed on at 5:13:09 PM.
White Tear Angel (5:15:16 PM): ??
i am no impact (5:15:25 PM): YOU
i am no impact (5:15:31 PM): what's up, who are you.
White Tear Angel (5:16:38 PM): I'm Jessica.
White Tear Angel (5:16:46 PM): Nice to meet you deary.
White Tear Angel (5:16:48 PM): Finally.
i am no impact (5:17:53 PM): haha, man. you were definitely in desperate need to talk to someone REAL early this morning, huh?
White Tear Angel (5:18:07 PM): lollol
White Tear Angel (5:18:09 PM): I was like.
i am no impact (5:18:11 PM): or real late last night, either way.
White Tear Angel (5:18:14 PM): All messed up./
i am no impact (5:18:20 PM): hahaha, it was awesome, either way.
White Tear Angel (5:18:26 PM): Lol why?
i am no impact (5:18:36 PM): White Tear Angel (3:59:45 AM): Hello?
White Tear Angel (6:46:54 AM): TALK TO ME
White Tear Angel (6:46:56 AM): PLEASE
i am no impact (5:18:45 PM): kid was buggin' outtt.
White Tear Angel (5:19:55 PM): looffflll/
White Tear Angel (5:20:01 PM): I was fuckkked up last night.
i am no impact (5:20:09 PM): nice. what'd u guys do?
White Tear Angel (5:20:25 PM): C-bombs.
i am no impact (5:20:40 PM): ha, that'll do it.
i am no impact (5:20:53 PM): yo so where'd u get my screenname?
White Tear Angel (5:21:05 PM): I read one of your posts on a site.
i am no impact (5:21:23 PM): oh alright.
i am no impact (5:21:29 PM): any idea which one?
White Tear Angel (5:21:32 PM): About mutated babies and such.
i am no impact (5:21:37 PM): MUTATED BABIES! INSANE!
i am no impact (5:22:04 PM): i honestly wish i could remember where i wrote about mutated babies, man. that's sick.
White Tear Angel (5:22:32 PM): o.o??
White Tear Angel (5:22:36 PM): So you don't even remember? lol.
i am no impact (5:22:49 PM): i might, it could just be slipping my mind right now.
White Tear Angel (5:22:57 PM): Baby with no face...
White Tear Angel (5:23:10 PM): The girl who turned to stone.
i am no impact (5:23:15 PM): ohhhh yeahhhhh.
i am no impact (5:23:20 PM): duuuude, that was horrrrrible.
White Tear Angel (5:23:51 PM): Yeah, I saw the Baby Without a Face on the Health Channel.
White Tear Angel (5:23:57 PM): And I was searching for more pictures of her.
White Tear Angel (5:24:01 PM): And then I found your post.
i am no impact (5:24:18 PM): did u see this while u were fucked up??
White Tear Angel (5:24:26 PM): No.
i am no impact (5:24:44 PM): damn. cuz that could've been a night to remember.
White Tear Angel (5:24:58 PM): lol
i am no impact (5:25:01 PM): or one that you just want to forget FOREVER; either way
White Tear Angel (5:25:58 PM): I've had horrible experiences with like...
White Tear Angel (5:26:04 PM): Mutated babies and such.
White Tear Angel (5:26:07 PM): Like fetuses.
White Tear Angel (5:26:11 PM): Aborted babies.
White Tear Angel (5:27:10 PM): Because there was this protest outside of this high school that I used to have a carpool person dropped off.
i am no impact (5:27:12 PM): really?? jesus. where do you live...
White Tear Angel (5:27:46 PM): And there were protesters and shit with picket signs of aborted babies.
White Tear Angel (5:28:38 PM): And I was like 10 years old.
White Tear Angel (5:28:55 PM): I had fucking nightmares.
i am no impact (5:28:55 PM): whatt. dude, that's definitely not subject matter for 10 year olds.
i am no impact (5:29:00 PM): yeahh, man. definitely.
White Tear Angel (5:30:03 PM): So when I saw this (I'm 17 now, saw it when I was 16 not too long ago), I FREAKED THE FUCK OUT.
White Tear Angel (5:30:22 PM): Cuz when they said "Baby without a face" I thought just like...a blank face with no skin lofl.
White Tear Angel (5:30:25 PM): I mean skin.
White Tear Angel (5:30:36 PM): Just like no eyes or anything, just a blank head.
White Tear Angel (5:30:51 PM): And I was like dude I gotta see that. It turned out to be some scary as fuck baby.
i am no impact (5:31:08 PM): yeah, it was definitely a lot worse than that.
White Tear Angel (5:31:49 PM): And you know at that part where you could hear her panting all scared through her air tube when they were sticking that needle in her stomach.
i am no impact (5:31:56 PM): YESS
White Tear Angel (5:32:04 PM): I CRIED.
White Tear Angel (5:32:06 PM): SO HARD.
White Tear Angel (5:32:12 PM): BECAUSE SHE WAS IN SO MUCH PAIN.
White Tear Angel (5:34:28 PM): http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.homeworking.ws/children/juliannaat2.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.wrankmusic.com/forum/viewtopic.php%3Ft%3D1802%26view%3Dprevious%26sid%3D7eb764803ce7e66ffe854e3d1d512880&h=161&w=200&sz=9&hl=en&start=1&tbnid=sOZagyX7SpaGCM:&tbnh=84&tbnw=104&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dbaby%2Bwithout%2Ba%2Bface%26svnum%3D10%26hl%3Den%26lr%3D%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-US:official_s%26sa%3DG
i am no impact (5:34:54 PM): yeah, it was pretty much insanity city, dude. i hated it.
White Tear Angel (5:35:00 PM): ^Your post that I found
i am no impact (5:35:05 PM): i've seen it twice, and both times, i can't watch but can't look away. u know how it goes.
White Tear Angel (5:35:06 PM): And added your sn.
White Tear Angel (5:35:33 PM): I think it's cruel that they make that child live.
i am no impact (5:37:06 PM): totally.
i am no impact (5:37:15 PM): i'll be right back.
White Tear Angel (5:37:21 PM): Awww..okay.
i am no impact (5:38:12 PM): ha, yeah sorry. don't mean to break the momentum.
i am no impact (6:09:12 PM): i'm back.
i am no impact (6:09:43 PM): i agree. at the very least, i know i wouldn't have the patience to raise a child who i'd have to put through X amount of pain in order to keep them barely teetering on an enjoyable life.
White Tear Angel (6:09:54 PM): I know.
White Tear Angel (6:10:05 PM): I mean it's not even the money, or the fact that she's really monsterous.
White Tear Angel (6:10:11 PM): She's fucking not able to even enjoy life.
White Tear Angel (6:10:45 PM): I found another fucked up disease
i am no impact (6:10:48 PM): yeah. that's that whole moral conflict, though. sounds horrible to break it down this way, but she's "a living thing" and at what point in time is it okay to end the life of a living thing
White Tear Angel (6:11:28 PM): http://www.hayleyspage.com/gallerys/reunion2006/IMG_9716.html
i am no impact (6:12:09 PM): wow. this hurts my life.
i am no impact (6:12:12 PM): i've definitely heard of this.
White Tear Angel (6:12:24 PM): Where kids age like.
White Tear Angel (6:12:26 PM): Really fucking fast.
i am no impact (6:16:08 PM): yeah, that's pretty insane.
White Tear Angel (6:16:31 PM): Yeahyeah!
White Tear Angel (6:18:59 PM): http://www.spokesmanreview.com/stories/2005/feb/4/PERU_MERMAID_SURGERY_02-04-2005_VR3N580.jpg
i am no impact (6:19:42 PM): daamn. is this what you do?


Pretty out of control, but also pretty interesting as well. It's been a while since I'd thought of that situation, and I'm glad that something came up to make me think of it. That's the sort've genetic deconstruction that I need to continuously be aware of. It's the kind of thing that makes you not want to stare. You've been there already. You've seen that already.

The last night on Long Island consisted of the necessaries. I love my boys and my girls, and while the end of the night ot a little misarranged, it was still a good night overall. Brian and I watched my home videos from the 89-90 era. This means I was a slowly ballooning blob-child with mullet to rat tail sensibilities. I was interested by sports and sports almanacs, games, and the unending hunt for friends who were the best at hiding/avoiding. I can't even see any small semblance of the today me to that initial larva portion of my lifestyle. It's almost sad. But not really. I got to see Brian on Sesame Street interact with Three in a Row Smith and Oscar the Grouch. I also saw the Disney World Brian as a fat kid instnatly, though tape editing become a slim mustached Brian in a two year span. I ate Taco Bell again and rocked that harder than life itself. It'll be the last real good Bell that I ingest for a damn long time. A damn long time. We were going to watch Old Boy but never got around to it, as it got late, and ended up leaving both that DVD and my home videos at the Hernandez residence. I really wish I got to say goodbye. It's something I've gotten pretty good at. I had to dish them out to Brian, Natalia, and Rahul. Kerry and I met up with Tina. She has nothing to say that's really up my alley. It's official that we've grown completely apart.

- What're you reading?
A bartender's book

- Did you hear the new Cursive?
Yeah... it was alright

- Where'd you get the tiara?
I was named Miss Ale House

Et cetera, et cetera. As if I needed a night like this to tell me that things were officially over. I really didn't. But it helped. The next 6 months in FL will be a little easier knowing that there is nothing at all related between us anymore. You can be a little disapointed that it took me this long to be okay with that, but it takes what it takes, and I did what I could.

Tuesday, really, was a day I was really looking forward to. Mid Rhode Island trip, Kailyn was going to be coming through to finally get really met. We'd done the initial interaction in her workplace, and had filled in the in-betweens via some of the longest sets of correspondence I've been a part of. She accompanied me to say goodbye to my youngest sister, and by the time she left, I think I'm pretty sure I wanted her to live with me. I've talked about borders and boundaries. She was the moreso. I've got words on reserve.

Tuesday is still today. I'm at the airport way too early. Dad drove me here, after handing me $500. I was floored. I have an hour and fifty minutes until I board. I have a headache. I have to work tomorrow. It's all back again tomorrow. I'm back in the business of figuring out what it is, exactly, I want to do, whether it's the realm of moving, working, living, loving, or creating, I'm very confused. I've seen two places where I can easily get settled. But I'm not entirely sure where I'll be at my happiest. My momentum is in the south, my heart is in the north. I want to look for a job that's more career oriented. I want to take some shots that mean something more than getting by week by week. I'm returning home, Dave will pick me up at Fort Lauderdale Airport, and I'll be back to the grind which isn't even a grind. It's just a slow push.

I've got voids to fill.

Records listened to while writing this entry:
Saves the Day - Sound the Alarm
Moneen - The Red Tree
The Mars Volta - De-Loused in the Comatorium
Busta Rhymes - The Big Bang
Common - Be (three times)
Thelonious Monk & John Coltrane - At Carnegie Hall
Welwyn - Demo
Desert City Soundtrack - Funeral Car
Folk and Stress - Untitled
Kanye West - Late Registration
Secret Lives of the Freemasons - This Was Built to Make You Dance