Monday, January 22, 2007

revi sangre.

“Tell me you couldn’t live without me.”
She couldn’t.
live without me, that is.

And even with that, it does nothing. Days at a time, this happens. I don’t know how to better myself or my view of myself. I don’t know how to make what I’m doing with my life seem right. Is it the people, the location I’m surrounding myself with? Is it her? Is it me?

I couldn’t sleep last night. That’s why this is the tape that’s playing.
The psyche is militant in its self doubt.

I think about packing it all up. Books, and music, and movies, and clothes. Another trip across the country with my life in the trunk. Surprise, I’m home.

And then there’s…
“Surprise. I’m gone.”

I think it was Brian who said something about taking steps ahead. Anything sideways or backwards, those are the things we’re going to try to avoid. And I’m realizing that there’s been nothing but static lately.

I’m thinking it’s not the people. It’s not the location. It’s the lack of connection with the outside world. The non-fiction stuff. New games. New books. New music. New movies. Something to talk about. If I’m here, really, until July, I think I should genuinely try to at least know what’s going on somewhere else. If I ever really want to get out of here, I should at least give myself a reason to believe that somewhere else could be better than here.

“Let’s bring it back to life.”
That’s what I said. Sometime between Daniel’s 9AM phone call that he locked himself out of the office, and Justine’s 10AM alarm, that’s what I said.

Leave it to today to be the day the internet is down.
That’s that.

I’m thinking, though, what else does anyone else really do? Am I missing out on anything, really, no matter where I go? What can happen there that can’t happen here? And I guess, really, that’s all up to me.

That’s all up to me, though. There’s the New Times, which has a bunch of stuff that happens around South Florida. I choose to ignore it out of convenience, I guess. I could be doing any… ALL of that. And when was the last time I was on The PRP? Anything like that?

There’s no excuse.

I guess that’s my new year’s resolution, in a sense. A return to normalcy. We’ll see how that works out. We’ll know in 2008 if I’ve succeeded.

There are some phone calls I have to make, that I should and shouldn’t make.