weak in the life.

yo.
i'll be
right back.

, but soundly.

so, this is done.
it took me a trip to office max and a few cutting jobs
to get furious about The Beach Boys' becoming Beach Boy's.
was trying too hard to keep everything contained on that size.

spherical evaporate, the.

i've lost something.
two things, really. one which wasn't as significant.

they were placed together in my old apartment while packing, and i put them together in a place i knew i'd be able to access easily once i got back to the house here. and now i can't recall where that place is. it's a whole book of poetry i'd been working on, a specific project. tons of notes. it was one of those composition notebooks as well. i've lost moleskines before. those seemed random, though. i've lost two or three. and while the realization that it is no longer going to be found is a massive heart breaker, it ends up being kind of okay. i feel like it's sort of a gift to someone. the 1/10 chance that someone might find it and appreciate it (vs the 8/10 chance someone will simply toss it, or the 1/10 chance someone will find it pathetic) is good enough for me. but this is a pretty big deal. i'm feeling a great weight of it. i don't feel i've ever had a major tie to anything that i could really lose. i tend to feel most things are replaceable.

there was a letter in that book as well.
and drawings.

-

new mix cd is done.
mix xix: ", but soundly."
track list up in a week or so.

species pieces.

could be the best night of my life.
just broke a horse's neck.
could be the worst night of my life.
that's a dead fucking horse.

RIP MMVI-MMXI (2006-2011)

district of columbia.

had i been guilty of those fabrications,
i'd have left me too, by god and Gods.
many fictions have been donned by myself,
and none so much as the character who could show you
such adoration.

painter, o', i looked at you as sun on breathless acres,
though in passing seasons as light fractured in panes of plated glass.
and the silhouette meant you still showed up.

i heard the rain, you know it.

the bathtub filled with bottles
where there once were hands instead,
which cupped the stories.
they bang together ungraciously,
no concept of what will sound a proper cadence,
all hollow space filled with merciless spinning
where there once were maps of every coast and in between.
i never heard you sigh again, i only heard you breathe.

the bottles floating endlessly, you tied them sweetly,

addressed to home.

had i been your greatest fear,
at least i would remain inside your backwards glance.
but i know you're sleeping soundly now,
no light to pale your face.



i have only loved survivors.

you said.

i believed you, and you weren't even the only one.
you talked about how i filled a vacancy and with hope.
i could wake up flattened and dried all wrong, and still
you never admitted that you were just a figment.
you never spooled up on the projection room floor.
you never hissed at the end of your final song,
intermittently puffing with no sound to release
despite the perpetual spinning.
i believed you, with your hand on my heart
and talking about being lost in nameless cities,
talking about being old and storied.
your hands on my face, watching your tear pass down your cheek
titled: "this would be years and decades"; still framed.

i'm fairly sure it happened, and it's simple to never be fragile again.

locustoms.

you can be no one and still escape nothing.
in barred windows, their faces are catalogued in longing portraits.
no wilderness here in hindsight, boy.
there's no one willing to petrify your presence.
you're out, in league with the antiquities, and ain't that a thing or two?


we waited you out, The Flood and I, in winter's berth.
it's easier to pique with no one watching, and the eager half as willing.

i could never work this genius shit out,
for it was always lack of courage.

well, you could breathe.

fully uninspired.
brutal.
smoking with the windows up.

i've had these visions the past few days of being stabbed repeatedly. in the head, through the skull. no one having the humane rationale to stop it, so they all scatter or stare like no life is at stake, just a playground scrap. i imagine my blood on my driver's license. i think about building a graveyard stare to keep the wolves at bay. i think of men of no consequence. i think of their bearing down on me. nothing lost in their attack, though nothing gained. a violence to contribute to their sin, a pelt for their collection. my life dominated by fear for a solid three months. shame and nothing else. this is the dynamic.

feels like i left a record playing in the next room.

remendeleev.

d
on't change now into
somethi
ng you can't handle,
because when it's
done i
t's done,
and whe
n
it's through it's through.