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Thursday, April 19, 2007

the fear and the doubt as rosary.

in about
7
hours it'll be about
24
hours left.

i'm excited and scared and worried and doubtful and suspicious and into it.

i only get the bad feelings because of things that have happened in the past. really. no matter what you guys want to say, it's really because of the things that have happened. cheated on twice, i mean. it's the kind of thing that makes defense mechanisms part of the default program. a way of life, you know?

you worry about phone calls and text messages and what they say about you and her and you&her and you guys and him when you're not around. or how things are different when you are.

worriers:
stop. it's not her.
it's me.

i know how you jump on it with a quickness. the whole thing where you think she's not good enough or something. i have a hard time seeing that. in fact, i think that's what makes me so suspicious.

she's gorgeous. she has tattoos. she listens to her own music as well as music i am into. she paints. she writes. she tries to read when she has time, but so do we all. she bends over backwards for me. she's hardworking. she wants a family. she wants to travel.

but who knows. it's the same old story. the huge gray hanging cloud of the past. the things you should never ask, but you do. the guy she met when she came down to florida, that took her months to admit she slept with. the best friend/ex boyfriend who calls just about the right amount of times to be a best friend, but the jealous boyfriend says is too much to just be friends. the way she'll wait until i'm not around to call him.

guilty.

see, but the way it sounds and the way it's written is so much worse than the way it really is. because since when do you call people you miss, and people you love when you're wrapped up in something. we've all been in relationships. we've all been there. i mean, seriously. when you're in a relationship, even when you're doing nothing, you're doing something. and when it's a good, successful relationship, a healthy relationship, that something feels like everything.

i'm not saying anything new here. and maybe there are times when i should pick up the phone but i don't. and maybe i could make a more conscious effort to get online on my days off, or on my phone. but the reality of it is, as much as it may have seemed like i wasn't doing anything to help the problem, i was always trying to come up with a better time, and a better place to get all of the things expected of me in line. i really was.

and it wasn't enough.
so i took a beating for it.
and so did your view of my relationship.

but really, i guess this is becoming more of an open letter than the blog post i was hoping for. sorry.

this is where you say, "whoa."

but seriously, it's not her.

what i really came in here to say was a few things that were going through my head, while i was browsing myspace. just some individual pieces that have nothing to do with each other.

i can't grow a beard.

i liked her before she was trashy.
i'm just saying, she looked pretty innocent.

jesus christ,
what a pretty face.

1 comment:

captain self destruct said...

you are only human, and I'm relieved because I was starting to think you were superhuman. this is how you carry yourself, unbeknownst to you.

but you aren't. and since I have the unique experience of being your only friend to also be friends with "her," I know for a fact that it ISN'T her. people who don't know her can say what they will, because their will doesn't let them use imagination or understanding or enjoy the possibility of other possibilities.

your choices are yours and yours alone, and may or may not decide to apologize or even feel the need to. but your girlfriend is definitely not the reason.