Saturday, December 15, 2012
i've found myself boiling. rolling over and over in true and deep anger. this is over the past few weeks, weeks that i've found myself getting snippier, feeling more and more misunderstood. not as a person, but in real time. having the things that i'm speaking getting translated less clearly than i'd anticipated them being.
the fact that it's happening on such a broad and wide level and at such a frequency has me believing that maybe i'm not communicating as directly as i'd like. or possibly even too directly. with too little flourish. are these the kinds of things that make communication easier? description? lack of brevity? i've been trying to minimise (btw, this) the words i use to be as clear and concise as possible. it clearly isn't working. at least for me. i think i'm finding myself in my head a lot more frequently than ever before. i'm often a reacher, trying to extend my thoughts and opinions to many, usually through the internet. through this blog. through myspace bulletins. wrankmusic. twitter. now facebook statuses. i'm doing that less. sharing less.
is this breakdown of communication contributing to be spilling and sprawling rage? i'm mindfully suffocating these bouts, keeping them from coworkers and friends and customers. i'm hitting my closest friends with the results at times. but more often than not, i'm allowing it to contribute to a growing fatigue, a darkening of my usually vibrant and running energy. somewhere, i became embarrassed, somewhere i have become withdrawn. is it my entire audience? is it a particular audience member? is it the lack of an audience? is the embarrassment a result of the acknowledgement of the existence of an audience altogether? whatever occurred, whatever shift started and ended, i'd like to see it end. i've been looking towards 2013 with an excitement and an expectation of rebirth and refresh. it's one that i'll have to make my very own, one that i'll have to undergo without the assistance of the turning of a calendar page. one that i'll have to completely helm.
i think i've got it, i think i've got the kind of focus to do that.
i think i've got the people around me to support and facilitate me.
for some reason, i've always had this hang up, this sort of delay or fear that there are going to be people or peoples or voices of one or both who are going to call me out on any sort of improvement i try to take the reins of. to become more positive or more progressive or more conditioned or more fun or more adventurous. i feel like some one person out there is going to be telling me that i can't do that. and i don't even give them the opportunity to say any of those things because i say it to myself before i even give the notion a chance to flourish.
i feel extremely comfortable exposed and doing wrong.
i feel comfortable on stage, even if it's playing a role.
everything's easier when you've got a sadness tied to you, because at least you're tethered to a place. i've felt a little bit liberated by several events over the past few years, and i think it's freeing me not only of limitations but also of excuses. i've got so much to do and so much to accomplish with zero expectation and zero limitation. that could just be it. i'm going to have to put it all together out there in the vacuum. i can do it alone or i can do it with you.