Thursday, August 28, 2014

it isn't gray if it's invisible.

i've not written in this blog for months. and it's mostly because i felt nothing until i felt some of the darkest energy i've experienced in my life. this real golden, bronze, copper void. horrible pulling and a wilting gravity. even talking to friends about it felt like i was exaggerating. i came out of it a bit. and then came out of it completely.

if i revisit it, i'd love to be able to share more on it. though it seemed strange to suddenly start throwing a blog up about how depressed and meaningless everything was feeling as the first shot out of the cannon in a long time. especially when i feel like so many of the sentiments here seem to be at the very least straightforward creative work.

though i think the lack of creativity contributed to the awfulness of it. the feeling of being trapped under ice. terrible movie reference here, but it reminded me a bit of the scene from the ewok movie where the kid is, yeah, trapped under the ice.

i do want to say that talking to a really close friend who was supremely in tune with the kinds of ideas i was experiencing and just with myself as a whole helped in a major way. really took me down a different path i didn't think i'd be able to get down, especially as easily as i thought i would. i had to address the problem and move on. that was it. that's always it. this simple concept that you don't think applies to you. right now i'm finding a wild alluring power in the mantra that "i have everything that i need to be happy and peaceful and alive." it feels a bit derived from a lot of things i've seen posted in memes all over the internet which is BASICALLY the modern scrolls of buddhism. but really. that concept is something that's is wildly empowering in a very basic and direct way. that's the kind of advice and instruction that my friend gave over to me and it was valuable. really a change in the path i was going down. enriched every day for me.


the other night, i had one of the most vivid and colorful dreams i've had in a while. i don't know if it's that i've had disturbed sleep or just haven't been spending a lot of time in thought or what the issue is. but i know i caught an extremely deep sleep and allowed myself to be set adrift in it. the dream wasn't all that incredible, mostly just the feeling of clearly being in a dream and not needing to wake up and not having a countdown to waking up. i got past the film of there being a clear divide between dreaming in a sleeping body and just allowing thought to engulf your entire person.

the dream centered around this enormous mosquito type creature with spindly legs and all, barely any body, but i knew that it was colored like a lady bug. red carapace, black highlights or dots. flecks of white. and i would see it landed on a flight of stairs or the edge of a lake or in other arenas i'd find myself in. and i would go over to try to catch it with a bag or a net. and as i'd approach, slowly, so as not to kill it or startle it, i would watch it pull its proboscis out of another insect. the most memorable being this very large wasp. and it would pull this long tongue out of its back or its head and the other insect would almost graciously unfurl its body that had been hidden under the body of that mosquito and fly away. i think every time i saw it, i didn't catch how the rest of that scene would pan out because a massive golden glow would encompass the whole 'screen' and i wouldn't be able to watch more and we'd transition to some other level of the dream. but that's a scene that i remember witnessing time and again.

but i remember the feeling of dreaming being so free. there was an ease of breathing that i haven't felt in a long time, within dreams. a looseness. a freedom of clear thought. just letting the dream experience itself. absolutely phenomenal, almost drug like.

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