it's clear (read: crystal clear) that the trip to NY was almost a complete and utter failure. failure might not be the right word. i think disaster just about sums it up a little bit better. aside from making it obvious that i live miles and miles away (yet again), i think it's at the point where we can all now see and admit that it's not just land-distance that's separating us now. it's shitty. there's no other real way to lay it out.
i'm exhausted right now.
i haven't felt tired in months.
maybe i'm getting sick, or something.
i had a daydream the other day of packing up and leaving.
it's just that i'm not sure which life i like more. i'm not sure which fantasy i'm just entertaining because it's a possibility. but i'm sure it's one of them.
the last few days, i've been feeling needy and unsatisfiable. i sleep, drink, eat, and dream emotion, because that's what's here. sometimes, i miss not feeling a damn thing. not numb, exactly, but maybe just the ignorance of another day.
i thought about writing up a postcard for someone.
it might just be a question that i need to ask.
i think about getting an answer back, and a push over the edge.
i still play games like that, just to feel things, sometimes.
i never get enough WHAT IFs.
i might have to make things happen. someday.
i'll wreck someone.
being home, though, made me realize just how much i miss my mom. i blame myself for stranding here there amidst my dad and my sister. what is she even doing. is she really that far on in her life that she's glad to look BACK on it and make sure we have a good life? i don't like to think about it like that. but is it true? she cries everytime she gets off the phone with me. that's horrible.
my heart, though, still remains one of my last priorities. whether it's full up or not really hasn't made much of a difference, and it's something that took me all of a couple weeks to realize that. it's still me loving the possibility of people. well, that, and finding the absolute best in everyone and ignoring the absolute worst. and giving my all to everyone and anyone, no matter who it is. i guess the hard part is tearing apart the little things, like who appreciates it the most, and who reciprocates, and who takes what for granted. who do i see myself reflected in? that little shit.
who's going to give me my space.
who's going to accept me and all the choices i make, both stupid and smart.
who's going to want to move.
who's going to want to go somewhere.
who's going to want to stop the same day i want to stop.
when does this get old?
when do we get tired?