it's clear (read: crystal clear) that the trip to NY was almost a complete and utter failure. failure might not be the right word. i think disaster just about sums it up a little bit better. aside from making it obvious that i live miles and miles away (yet again), i think it's at the point where we can all now see and admit that it's not just land-distance that's separating us now. it's shitty. there's no other real way to lay it out.
i'm exhausted right now.
i haven't felt tired in months.
maybe i'm getting sick, or something.
i had a daydream the other day of packing up and leaving.
it's just that i'm not sure which life i like more. i'm not sure which fantasy i'm just entertaining because it's a possibility. but i'm sure it's one of them.
the last few days, i've been feeling needy and unsatisfiable. i sleep, drink, eat, and dream emotion, because that's what's here. sometimes, i miss not feeling a damn thing. not numb, exactly, but maybe just the ignorance of another day.
i thought about writing up a postcard for someone.
it might just be a question that i need to ask.
i think about getting an answer back, and a push over the edge.
i still play games like that, just to feel things, sometimes.
i never get enough WHAT IFs.
i might have to make things happen. someday.
i'll wreck someone.
being home, though, made me realize just how much i miss my mom. i blame myself for stranding here there amidst my dad and my sister. what is she even doing. is she really that far on in her life that she's glad to look BACK on it and make sure we have a good life? i don't like to think about it like that. but is it true? she cries everytime she gets off the phone with me. that's horrible.
my heart, though, still remains one of my last priorities. whether it's full up or not really hasn't made much of a difference, and it's something that took me all of a couple weeks to realize that. it's still me loving the possibility of people. well, that, and finding the absolute best in everyone and ignoring the absolute worst. and giving my all to everyone and anyone, no matter who it is. i guess the hard part is tearing apart the little things, like who appreciates it the most, and who reciprocates, and who takes what for granted. who do i see myself reflected in? that little shit.
who's going to give me my space.
who's going to accept me and all the choices i make, both stupid and smart.
who's going to want to move.
who's going to want to go somewhere.
who's going to want to stop the same day i want to stop.
and,
when does this get old?
when do we get tired?
1 comment:
Loving the possibility of people? Is that like when you told me once that I wasn't in love with you, I was in love with your potential?
I think we should love people for who and what they are and are not, and expect the same. However, I don't think it's bad to want to see the best in someone, even if it's not what they think of as THEIR best. As long as we don't expect it. And let them breathe and try. We can do our best to instill ideas into someone, but we can't ensure they make them their own. That they take them and mold them and craft them into something with only their implants. The most we can do is give ideas, and hope that the ones we want to like them, and accept it if they don't. But still continue accepting that person either way. If that's what we want.
Only if that's what we want.
You can accept all people if you want to.
But you don't have to be with them.
You don't owe the people you believe in anything if that time, effort and emotion is not for you.
This is you life. This is your chance. Do something.
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