Wednesday, February 06, 2008

there's nothing wrong with being lonely.

the old spill canvas album reminds me of her so much. and i guess the thing is i haven't seen a mind completely independent since the first time i heard her listening to this album on her own, completely. i remember how sexy i found her being entirely and silently overwhelmed by something i knew nothing about.

that was the kind of thing that completely intoxicated me. i can think of her at a distance, in silence, singing along, eyes closed, to a single line of the entire fifty five minutes.

she was downstairs. and i didn't even know this band.

i have nothing to claim to her. my mind is on a long, long leash. i love another time over. i'm a little mad. i have a trust issue that i ignore.

i want to run but i want to stay.
apply this to her and to me.

i sort of know she has a passion that she's having a hard time evaluating. putting into words or pictures or sounds. i was this way at 20. fucking 20. what in the world was i at 20? in a relationship that wasn't suited to my lifestyle, with certain friends that couldn't keep up, without a solidified dream/goal, and pre-anything, and pre-growth stage.

i don't think i'd seen anything i'd wanted to see that would really touch me. i thought i loved but didn't know what love was.

i was a youth and these things are going to happen. it took another half decade (maybe more) before i realized what it was and what i was. i still don't think i know what i want to be, but i know what i want to see and how i want to see it.

i'm old.
i ain't got time for a reinvention.

1 comment:

B. Martinez said...

"i still don't think i know what i want to be, but i know what i want to see"

Absolutely amazing.