Tuesday, March 04, 2008


i haven't had a lot to say in the past month.
the joy of life hasn't left me but i almost typed that it did.

i'm trying to evaluate what i want to do and how i want to do it. i like writing more than i can express through words, which i guess would be an ideal job in a sense. but i don't think i have the style or skill to get noticed to the extent of a remarkable or lived-on paycheck. at best, if at all, my words will be noticed by a niche crowd and enjoyed by a percentage of them. and i wonder if i'll even ever get there.

i don't think i make very much sense anywhere. i can't sell things because i don't want to be too pushy, i can't build things because i don't have the hands or the mind for it. i can't cook. i can't draw. i wish there was a way to take an accurate and updated aptitude test so it can plop me in the right place and i can continue walking onward and make enough for a meal or two a day, transportation, and a home. that'd be nice.

i often say that i wasted my life by not going to or continuing school. but i think that i might not need it sometimes, and i think that it's the only thing i need sometimes. i see people in paid positions doing things they're not so qualified or excited to do and it's all because they spent four years in classes getting approved for such a position. i think i need to harness some sort of potential that i have somewhere, and utilize it to the best of my ability and beyond and get recognition and compensation for it.

i've got an apartment in harlem that i can move into once i secure a job somewhere in the city/queens limits and i have an interview tomorrow morning at nine which i hope i can land at which point i will give my resignation in at gamestop which should get me a lot of scorn which makes me nervous. we'll see.

hopefully someday i'll be hip, too.


MisterSpaniard said...

I feel your pain and confusion.

I hope my getting back into the school thing will land me where I want to be also but for right now i don't know where that is. i'm really excited about the class i'm taking and the stuff i'm learning but it always scares me to think this might just not work out in the end. but i have to get to that end to find out. i think you going out to the city is a huge move and i believe you'll truely find a niche out there and make big things happen. hopefully thats the way it works out and if either i stay here or move up to CT with kim (cause of everything going on that is another blank in the future that is going to be filled in eventually), i think what might happen is you'll get that job/career/gig make things happen, have justine move up here and you and her live in the NYC vacinity (queens, bk, nyc) and that would be sick cause then i can visit you living in NYC and we can do things....or maybe the road might lead somewhere else. who knows.

B. Martinez said...

I want to tell you something that I want to hear for myself:

Fuck scorn.

People will never stop criticizing you. People will be critiquing your headstone.

People like us sometimes are like lighters without the thumb. Maybe you won't be a novelist, but you have a mind and a viewpoint and good taste, and that puts you in a bracket higher than many. People pay other people to have those things for them, you just have to figure out which people are yours.

steve said...

"right now i don't know where that is." that definitely is an odd situation that i know all too well. like i've said, i don't know what i want to be doing, really. i don't know how to make writing a GOAL, because i'll be doing it whether i get paid to do it or not. you're doing school, and that'll eventually open up career oriented doors, etc. i say stay in NY. really, man. we've talked about all of this.

i don't think i've been criticized anywhere, mostly because there isn't anything of mine out there. i haven't tried. maybe i should. but i know what you mean. something you said while we were working together and looking at one of those free magazines they hand out at vitamin world sticks with me with everything that i write. i don't know the quote, but it was something alone the lines of, "think about all the times you read a magazine article or a book that you can't even get through a paragraph of, and how many people have written those, and think about how much better you could've written each of those articles and each of those chapters." something along those lines. and i think of libraries and racks upon racks. it's insane. you're so right.