whoawhoawhoa.

i'm having a hard time feeling anything.
i'm in a serious depression but it's not real because it's not external but it's internal. it's a more or less severe thing where i want to lay in bed all day but i don't and i never feel relieved from dreaming but i'm dreaming. and i'll think of the most relentless most depraved way for me to find happiness and i find NOTHING. that's the kind of empty i'm on. and i'm worried that this isn't chemical imbalance but actual chemical disruption. one of those kids. i don't get it because i'm fine. it's been weeks since i've been alright. i feel like i'm beat. skin. i want to know she's there. i sleep and dream and write them down but it's of no console. it's stupid because i'm smarter than this. there's nothing worse than being smarter than what yo're being overcome by. divide yourself in two. i'm a walking civil war. i can laugh and you can watch me, and i'm moving and you can watch me. but there's a little bit more doing than might be done. i won't live to be old.

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