bailed beds.

now playing: caribou's record, swim.

 i don't want to spread myself too thin.

 i noticed yesterday that a major part of how i think and why i react and find myself in panics so often is that i don't focus on one thing and get strong results from it. instead, i take the time to notice everything and so many things at once and sprawl out trying to maximize my output on all of those different things at once and exhaust every mental and physical resource i have in the process. and while i wait, i hold my breath. i have nothing to go back to, no spine of what has been rooting all of those other things, those other spin-offs. the thing i keep coming back to is being the strongest and the best at the reactions to all of those other little things. without a stimulus, i feel a little lost. strongest antenna.

i can find concentration for concentrated moments. when i believe in a work or when i believe in a movement, i can keep myself focused on that particular entity for decent periods of time, coming back to it, keeping the cork board littered with the pieces of little trickle that find its way through during the other living i'm doing. i can keep notes, i can keep full themes present, almost like a sedimentary layer of my crust. but at some point, it tails off. usually once things have become difficult. it can range from a simple losing of interest to a full blown temper tantrum or panic attack that spreads in waves across everything else i have going on.

[i have to shave.]

i think about wanting to get into a one-a-day blog. picture a day, blog post a day, tumblr post a day; any of that. i don't think i can pull it off, though. at least at the level of quality i'd want to be able to claim from it. it's an idea i'm attracted to, though would my inability to follow through (and my extraordinary ability to create excuses and justifications) put itself in the way? but of course it would.

remarkably though, i see this in many of the people in my life. it doesn't make any of us any less willing to pursue what we say we will. or at least less willing to say that we will pursue that thing. it's a regulated, eager intention. and i think it's a beautiful thing. there are two people in mind that i have seen carry out their intention on a consistent basis, and i want to draw on those people as sources of inspiration, and if nothing else mimic their behaviors, patterns and mantras. the ability to remain a consistent pillar of action and not just empty cages or bags of art supplies is an incredible feat, even if for any of us who are outside of that consistency.

i'm an easily destructible mammal.
i'm the only one who can fix this.
i'm the only one who wants to fix this.