eight waves.

i have always found it completely strange that when we interact in a positive way, when we try to be outwardly generous with good energy, we are looked at as "drinking the kool aid." i'm guilty of it as well. i'm not sure why we tend to disbelieve others who are operating in a positive, uplifting and ultimately eventually spiritual light as someone who is doing it wrong or being all the more unbelievable about their current outlook. i think because maybe there are times that said person doesn't look back. doesn't have the other side of the coin. the dark half.

i just wrote descriptions for the newest mix cd that i put together and i found myself feeling almost guilty for admitting a lot of the positive things it made me feel. mostly the things that didn't have specific physical actions that tied to it. feeling good on an inner level. again, a spiritual level. a soul level. even when writing about my favorite records of the year, i feel like i reached a place at times that felt almost too revealing. like giving away a little bit of light was going to make people feel that i was faking it. that was going to ruin my credibility.

i think i found a new place there. i did a lot of renovation over the course of last year and i think a lot of the negative stuff that i had all stored up was holding me hostage. i wasn't able to see a lot of what was fully incredible about a lot of specific situations. there are a lot of factors that were folded into it. but i think a major thing that i've made a staple of my personality and my discourse has been seating myself on a place of judgmentalism. i drew a lot of conclusions about a lot of things and a lot of people before i really allowed myself to experience or listen or learn from them. and i'm trying to take down a lot of those filters and gates that i put up in front of myself and just let things play themselves out and accept them a lot more without completely trying to remove the comedic and observational elements of myself that made the world that i was a part of so enjoyable. it's complicated and layered. i'm getting there.

going back to where it began, though. there are a lot of things i'm going to try to be more open and positive about. and publicly. i have a lot of voices and a lot of outlets and i'm going to try to use all of them and become all of them and join all of them. i'm powerful in my own way, even if for my own self. i'm going to try and change a lot of the ego and arrogance to positive self assurance and confidence. it's tough. it's a growing up type of thing. but it's a very standard fact that i'm not going to be able to ride a completely positive, divine wave without dipping into an undertow that can be just as severe. i'm not trying to reinvent myself and go out there speaking like a guidance counselor who keeps the blinders up.

i'm a realist and have always been a realist.
but i think the doubt and disbelief that comes with that is the heaviest lead vest i've ever had to shed.