Saturday, January 31, 2015

the sober moment, an apartment fire.

i went back and read a story/memoir that i'd written years ago about a break up. and i can't believe how sharp some of the points still are. but i remember the people involved. me and her. and i remember them as characters. they're no one. they don't matter to me. but the events and the things that occurred within that life are so authentic and surreal to me. 

there's a couple of things:
- it still reads like the voice that i generally write in. so there's something about that that feels like it doesn't need a translator or a period of time to pull those words together. i don't have to sit back and understand it. i don't have to figure out if i believe it or not. i don't give a shit if i buy it. there's something in there that i feel. 

- that experience of the breakup... that particular breakup... was the defining moment in my life that took me from who i was to the very beginnings of who i am. there's even video of me during that time that i look back on and kind of don't get. i don't understand who that person is or was trying to be. well. i kind of get it. there's an ego there that i don't respect. there's an ego there that's never been checked. also, an ego that's unfounded. someone that became a character in his own head that deserved way more clout than he had assumed. even now, i know i have an ego and i have a strong bravado of a narcissist. and that's fairly repugnant. i get pretty tired of it. but there's a HEAVY sadness that has come with that learning experience that opened up the deep end of the pool. and even if i don't linger in it, i respect that it exists. 


as a music listener, if i didn't make mix cds, i wouldn't listen to anywhere near as much new stuff as i do. and i really enjoy that chase. to say "i don't care" who listens to it is a shitty lie. but to also say that that's completely why i do it is wrong as well. i'm glad that i have a series of mix cds that i've built on my own from other people's work and then shared with people. i think this process helps me keep a part of me alive that i will always miss the tail end of. /// even making end of the year lists keeps me listening to new music that comes out during the current year. 

as a blogger, i'm not sure what i would be without the many different voices i try to compartmentalize in different URLs. this blog, the games blog, the music blog [RIP], and even a new entertainment blog that i'm doing with the girlfriend. these are all individual exhibits that have NOTHING to do with each other. and i think even as characters, they'd truly annoy and bother each other at a party. 

i don't know. 

1 comment:

Rahul said...

Never stop writing. At least you can recognize ego/narcissism or whatever you may want to label things as. Most never do.