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Monday, August 13, 2007

i'm a loner dottie... a rebel.

as much as it is not a desirable trait, i have a hard time leading the married life. and i'm not saying that i am married, because really, i don't want to belittle the huge sacraments that three (or six, actually) of my best friends have undergone. but, as i mentioned in a livejournal post this past week, "i know a new brand of love that feels exponentially stronger and longer lasting than i have ever felt in any previous relationship." i go on these runs where i want to be left alone and do my own thing or on other nights, i want to go out all night and not need to check in.

i know i'm not alone in this. guys, in general, i'm sure are always like this. there's always that sort of desire to 'just go.' there's always something in guys that always calls us out to the clubhouse. we always want to be he-man woman haters. do stupid shit. watch action movies. laugh at farts. and, really, girls aren't allowed to see this side of us. because that breaks the veneer.

if females really knew the secret lives of males, oh dear god, forget the species.
i have a feeling, though, the same can be said if the roles were reversed.

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i'm typing in my dining room. i never took advantage of the fact that my computer is actually a laptop. entirely meant for being mobile. when i unplugged it, i got an insane shock. the kind where i was forced to say, "ahhHhHhHhH" while it was happening. in actuality, it probably lasted only a second and a half, but that's quite a bit of time to be directly mainlined to open electricity. my arm is still tingling. and there was a little bit of twitching. stupid mistakes. live like that long enough, and any day now, i could be a dead man.

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fuse called me saturday with news that if i wanted it, he had a ticket with my name on it to see underoath, poison the well, and as i lay dying at the nokia theater. i was completely signed up; so stoked. went to look up any flyers or anything of that nature, and saw that, in fact, as i lay dying was not on the bill. it was fucking EVERY TIME I DIE.

absolutely one of those bands that i want to be sure that i see every time they're in the area. there are few bands that are on that list anymore. mostly because they all break up. but i would say that the list looks something like dredg, circa survive, alexisonfire, misery signals, olympia, every time i die, the honorary title and the deftones, and ambulette. i might be forgetting some. i'm sure that i am. possibly silversun pickups, though i'm terrified of the hipster presence there.

speaking of appearances, mark z. danielewski is heading through the area this october. 10/4 he'll be at the barnes & noble in astor place.

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rahul said that he hadn't heard a band shittier than this one.



there i was, defending them, and saying that their last album sounded like a fairweather album from time to time and that even that song could hang with their old stuff, etc. and now, since i hadn't given their other album a chance, i am listening to it, and it's basically garbage. man, i hate bands.

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today i was off and i did nothing. i woke up, ate cinnamon harvest cereal, watched an hour of what not to wear, and an hour of ten years younger while holding hands over the phone, showered, watched rush hour 2, came home, fixed the forum, fucked around on the internet for two hours, ate dinner, and now here i am.

i talked about this last week. when i have my days off, and i'm not doing anything, usually i love doing nothing and just chilling out. when football season comes around, FORGET IT. i'm totally going to do everything in my power to get off on sundays. but then, once the end of the night comes around (mostly around the sundown time) i regret every minute and wish that i'd accomplished something. it's horrible.

tonight, after a long useless day off, i have to work at eleven to man a huge midnight release of john madden football 08. i'm on the fence about picking it up. because, i mean, what can it hurt. i have the ncaa game that i've been playing the shit out of. we're talking three hour offseasons. what a ridiculous child my parents have spawned.

the 360 thing is still hanging in the balance. i'm only $1000 in debt after being as far as $8000. so, really, all material possessions seem completely moot when it comes to the fact that i can be in the clear for the first time in six long years. i've been paying $300-$400 every two weeks on just bills lately. just trying to alleviate that demon. and i'm so close. i fear that if i get that system, i'll only head further down into that hole. it's scary, i guess. but there are games that i want for it.

but there's also a room i want to furnish. and a moving fund i'd like to start.

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speaking of moving, arizona was a HUGE candidate for a long, long time. but after the past two weeks reminded me of the extreme love that i have for rainy nights and thunderstorms, i really had to reconsider. there is almost NO rain in arizona. so we're up in the air again. portland or seattle are right up top on the lists. of course, i'd love to live in the midwest, too. but i think the west coast, especially the pacific northwest is such a cool area. i have heard nothing but GREAT things about it.

moving is all entirely based upon whether or not they get me my own store. once the holiday season is over, i'm asking what the deal is with that. something along the lines of, "hey, neil. i'm definitely interested in looking into becoming an MIT [manager in training]. how do you feel about my potential as a store manager, and if there are any specific areas you think i need to focus on, please train me more on those so that i can then move on in that direction." if things aren't moving after that, then the look to move is completely on. for now, it's just checking the craigslist every so often just to keep an eye on prices.

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Come tomorrow I’ll be on my way back home.
In the morning call from a roadside telephone.
One night doesn’t mean the rest of my life.
If I go it’s not impossible; possible is probably wrong.
So, let go cause I’m afraid to try.

Keep my hands by my side.
You won’t come back.
I hope some day you’ll understand.
I wanna try, make it right;
Don’t know if I can.

Last night everything was right.
The rain was gone.
One summer night’s the only time we’ve known.
So, shut your eyes:
When you wake up I’ll be gone.
When you wake up I’ll be gone.

4 comments:

Writer said...
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Przybojewski said...

Girls feel that way, too. Just so you know. I think it's less a guy thing and more a "being in a relationship" thing. I can't tell you how many times I sometimes just don't want to come home. Not because I'm mad or even with other people. Just because I want to be the me I was before. Just for a night or two or three.

steve said...

yes!
and not just because the alternative is necessarily "better." you just fall into those grooves sometimes where the momentum of something you really used to love falls right into place. the kind of things that you don't want to explain WHY you wanted to do them alone.

when i put into words, "i sat in front of my house for two hours...
" out there like that, i sound crazy. but it was really the best two hours i'd had in a very very long time.

Przybojewski said...

I know what you mean. Lucky for me I don't have to explain too much to Dave, and I'm constantly trying to him that favor in return.

Those things are what make us better and happier. Having those moments.