Tuesday, July 10, 2007

the possibility of people.

i wish that, even if i had to reduce my speed by (at most) 33%, i could read in the dark. not just read signs, but read books and interpret and store data. i wonder if they'll ever release backlit books.

i lived in florida for a year. i will never forget that. at jade winds, almost every night was capped with a cold beer out on our balcony. our little moment of zen.

i love finding people who i'd love to meet.
i love meeting people who i want to ask questions.

i'm trying to figure out what to do with my room. i was in this same mode when i was about to leave the first time. i want to make sure that whatever i get to add here, the things that i have are things i'll want to bring with me to my next home.

i've found the summer. i lived through them my entire life, and have known that warm weather, and that open ended feeling. but i've finally found something amazing in it. i can't bring those words to life anymore than asking you to live it with me. i don't know exactly what my backyard is capable of, because i've never thought of it as mine to live in. since we were kids, we always demolished it with our little sneakers. and with dogs living here my entire life, we've always let them wander around back there instead of taking them for walks. but since we started really taking care of it, with a decent sized deck, a good sized patio, actual green grass, a coy pond, etc., i think it might have all the makings for a nice little hangout spot. it's to the point where i'm seriously considering heading to home depot or lowe's or something of the sort to get some tiki torches. or something less tacky. something so that, on nights that we're here, we can bring a conversation and some refreshments to the outdoors. i want to get a medium sized ipod dock/stereo to bring outside with me/us.

when i get a house, i want a porch. i want to watch thunderstorms from it with my wife [and kids]. in silence, sometimes; in laughter, sometimes.

i have this odd syndrome. i feel my best when i'm single, because i feel like i really get to be myself. but what the people who love me have always fallen in love with is that person. being so far away from justine right now has been such an odd dynamic. i feel that calm, peace of being single. but i feel that terrible stretching and reaching of being far from her. it's not that i'm not myself when i'm around her, but i feel more stressed out about being silent. i think that while i'm around her, i can be happy, but i can never get that solid, brilliant line of contentment.

i'm scared of drugs, not because of the damage they could do, but because of how true the things they say they are might be. and i believe in their potential to make certain things great.

when i'm unemployed i get so stressed out that i'm unemployed. there's always something i could be doing. those silent moments that i could be using for out of presence and mind wandering are always spent overexamining myself, the now, the later, the tomorrow, and the way past next week. i forget that, eventually, when things start to come together again, there will be nights like this where i can twist my bottom lip in my fingers and squint off into the slats of the fence. i forget that i'll be okay.

from: +1516205XXXX
Hey hey! i got your msg!
thank god you hav it!
hehe. whats up with
you? things good?i hear
u got a job at gamestop?
is that where?

this in a response to a myspace message. it's not bad, per say. i just think to properly respond, it would take about 30 txts.

i was sitting on a curb when i called you and i said, "i don't hate you." please come here. where have you been.



Seersuckered. said...

You didn't respond to my text that said to come visit. You'd get lost here. Not in the city. Not in the people. Not because things are hectic and crazy (because they're not). You'd get lost in yourself.

That might just be why I haven't left yet.


By the way, you hate the beach.

steve said...

yes i did! wtf...
that stinks.
i'll resend it.

i'd love to try that city out sometime. same thing applies, though. i really am not into vacations. i end up not committing to them, for some reason. i sort of live the same way i live as if i were home; i've just been transplanted. it's REALLY stupid. it sounds like a place i'd love to live in though. just from everything you've told me. how are the summers there? it's been bw 85-100 the past couple days and i've been loving it. and when it rains, are there thunderstorms?

i don't like chocolate...

Seersuckered. said...

Not really into vacations. That's kind of a big "F U" to anyone who would want you to come visit. Not to mention you're missing out! Remember your long vacations to Virginia where you were a bear in my apartment?

The weather here THIS week has been in the 90s and 100s, but there is zero humidity and always a breeze that, on the east coast, you'd kill for sometimes. It's not usually this hot, though. Usually it's in the 70s, maybe mid-80s. And there's no rain in the summer time here. None! It hasn't since um, some time mid-June?

There are lots of parks and the river runs right through the city and everyone rides bikes and there's a lot of creativity and music and local businesses and people who care about the environment who aren't just tree hugging hippies. Oh, and we have one of the best public transportation systems in the U.S.

Oh, and MOUNTAINS! They're beautiful.

So much pretty stuff.