i lived in florida for a year. i will never forget that. at jade winds, almost every night was capped with a cold beer out on our balcony. our little moment of zen.
i love finding people who i'd love to meet.
i love meeting people who i want to ask questions.
i'm trying to figure out what to do with my room. i was in this same mode when i was about to leave the first time. i want to make sure that whatever i get to add here, the things that i have are things i'll want to bring with me to my next home.
i've found the summer. i lived through them my entire life, and have known that warm weather, and that open ended feeling. but i've finally found something amazing in it. i can't bring those words to life anymore than asking you to live it with me. i don't know exactly what my backyard is capable of, because i've never thought of it as mine to live in. since we were kids, we always demolished it with our little sneakers. and with dogs living here my entire life, we've always let them wander around back there instead of taking them for walks. but since we started really taking care of it, with a decent sized deck, a good sized patio, actual green grass, a coy pond, etc., i think it might have all the makings for a nice little hangout spot. it's to the point where i'm seriously considering heading to home depot or lowe's or something of the sort to get some tiki torches. or something less tacky. something so that, on nights that we're here, we can bring a conversation and some refreshments to the outdoors. i want to get a medium sized ipod dock/stereo to bring outside with me/us.
when i get a house, i want a porch. i want to watch thunderstorms from it with my wife [and kids]. in silence, sometimes; in laughter, sometimes.
i have this odd syndrome. i feel my best when i'm single, because i feel like i really get to be myself. but what the people who love me have always fallen in love with is that person. being so far away from justine right now has been such an odd dynamic. i feel that calm, peace of being single. but i feel that terrible stretching and reaching of being far from her. it's not that i'm not myself when i'm around her, but i feel more stressed out about being silent. i think that while i'm around her, i can be happy, but i can never get that solid, brilliant line of contentment.
i'm scared of drugs, not because of the damage they could do, but because of how true the things they say they are might be. and i believe in their potential to make certain things great.
when i'm unemployed i get so stressed out that i'm unemployed. there's always something i could be doing. those silent moments that i could be using for out of presence and mind wandering are always spent overexamining myself, the now, the later, the tomorrow, and the way past next week. i forget that, eventually, when things start to come together again, there will be nights like this where i can twist my bottom lip in my fingers and squint off into the slats of the fence. i forget that i'll be okay.
Hey hey! i got your msg!
thank god you hav it!
hehe. whats up with
you? things good?i hear
u got a job at gamestop?
is that where?
this in a response to a myspace message. it's not bad, per say. i just think to properly respond, it would take about 30 txts.
i was sitting on a curb when i called you and i said, "i don't hate you." please come here. where have you been.