Monday, July 23, 2007

the speechless.

i forgot myself one day. i'm trying my best to get back to the point where there is a me that i remember. now, i know that there have been times where i haven't exactly reacted or responded to things the way you might expect. but at twenty five (jesus christ, we aren't irrelevany anymore, are we?) i'm trying to be the one true person that i was meant to be. natural sayings and natural facial expressions. and i've really never felt so at home. maybe i had to leave to realize this.

it's weird, though, you know? being in a relationship (an official one... the one that we really count to everyone...) changes you. it's going to, no matter how we try to cut through it. it's funny. i'm serious. it's funny when we see someone we really know react differently to something when they're around their lover or their love interest. it's fine, though. we know who they are, still. they're just trying to react within a parabola. is that the right word? i don't know, i don't care. whatever. they're just trying to react in a way that will keep them in a safe place with their lover. and we get on their case, but for what.

i was thinking about this tonight while bill and i got crushed in three of four games in ncaa. i really don't care anymore if someone wants to be someone else in a relationship, because i get it. it's finally to the point where i see that there really is a split in who we are as a married/engaged/sanctioned human as opposed to just a single dude. and we can't expect someone to be a single dude while they are married/engaged/sanctioned. it's just a rule of life. it happens. whatevzz. as rahul says.

ps, good luck, man.

thoughts on ncaa when i clear up a little bit. and when i finish either dynasty or campus legend. as of right n0w? great game. just more of the same.

actions over the course of the past 20 minutes? i'm a piece of shit. but i know what i'm doing.

i hate mirrors. i'm an ugly kid. circles around the eyes. whenever possible, i hide behind glasses, and hoodies, and angular hair cuts.

a fractured christ.


i still think this could be awesome, but it really needs to get some people with the right idea behind it. i hate when people write about real things and even when they write about fake things (or i should say real things in a fictional way) i hate when they update more than once an hour or so. really, i'm just a complete horror.

i wonder what i was born for.

while chris gasparri remains one of the most shady characters i've known, he still has one of the most honest characters i've ever come across. he is what he is. i think honesty scares me away. when i know what i'm getting into, i step back i step back.

it's july 23rd. ALMOST august. and i'm still sitting outside FREEZING. i've been really hot maybe twice. this is pathetic. summer is here, it's true. but it's not the kind of summer that it's ever been before. i'm sleeping in a hoodie tonight. i'm serious.

she should come over. she should draw me so many things i can't see the paint on my walls. she should run away. she shouldn't be here. she should be better than someone like me. she should be seeing clay colored things. she should fulfill the outlasting potential of her hands. she should stop being so goddamn pretty. she should hold me for hours and stop watching the clock. she could remember just how far away i was and laugh at how close. she should be famous. she should come over. she should come over. she should know i can't sleep.

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