Friday, September 28, 2007

with me aside.

i'm sorry.
damn sorry.


i just want to say sometimes that i feel so much more than any of you. nothing i write, nothing i read, nothing i listen to, nothing i watch means anything unless you are me. it will never be the i'm this vulnerable emotional cortex unribbed from the cage. i had a breakdown at a diner table mid falling in love pace before it had even started to get dark. i'll never get to use these words in a skyline.

writhing in the dark
on a bed frame like
some sex starved servant
on an ecstacy campaign.

subdermal drowning. but i want it darker than this. and i want it closer than this. an interswimming collideoscope. a tidal kaleidogram from when you screamed it on through me.

a foolish potion, this. there is only time, the illusion of which is gone. but what could be worse than the glitch vermin, she lives all up on the insides of me. coughed her up this morning, the blackest of wireorgans, sapped up the colors deep down in the dregs of me. a true sight to behold: the osmosis of self.

writhing in the light
on a porcelain frame like
some lust charged junkie
pioneering the skyspace.

"don't be afraid, just keep it all in your head." languages of deep afternoon dreams, embraces that have just latched the miles. "i've been gone once i'll be gone again and the bold bold nights amount to the shaken down shaken down days." voices a lush carpet of the purples and oranges found on the fringelace of galaxies (ours, theirs, the unclaimed, the departed).

she still looks the way that she did back then.
swallowed her down, peristalsis clutching, growing hands and fingers tearing my jaw open cracking my lips. that whole gum feature, showing off the garden of the teeth, roots deep like redwoods, roots sunk deep in my brainstem.

and so often, this place is paralyzed regardless of weather. i am an aimless child SwThAoY's gWiIvTeHn uMpE..

i don't think i can explain this to you.
missing someone so horribly that you sta
rt to think it's just a funhouse, or a r
ole you're playing. you miss them becaus
e you know you should. but really, you'r
e just used to this intention. the voice
has become the portrait. i want to be w
ith her so badly but i've grown patient
and lost an expectancy. everything is
. i've gone down that path,
the one with me waiting for her to show
up here, or the one for me to start driv
ing, but it's not coming. i'm too suited
for this kind of lifestyle for that. an
d she's probably on the same page. the f
ear of falling out of love is based enti
rely on the subject. you find yourself f
alling apart when nothing is wrong. xxxx

it's like i never went anywhere. i want to leave and be overdramatic. i don't want to live at home anymore, i just think it's best. i want to pay rent, and be poor, and spend some money on beer and "never" do drugs. i don't want my mother or father or birthsister to walk in here and think i'm a weird kid for listening to music a little louder and typing into a bright white box, because i'm not weird, i'm just feeling something.

i want dave, rahul, carissa, new guy, old guy, stranger, to peak in and say
"it's one of those nights."

i've lost a little bit of focus here.
((and i literally thought that i was just typing about having a porch.))

i feel exactly like i did six or seven
months after a serious break up. it's b
een six or seven months since i've move
d. i'm fine, though. just fine. i'm ser

made me want to feel something again, something big and indirect. large quantities of it. inexorbitant amounts. "over the top; absurd; ridiculous" even. it's not so much you it's what you represent, you fucking cliché. but it is you, and a collective compound of where you've been (the dust on your marks) and how you've handled those places (the scars you wield). one of those things that's less words, more the way the words work. [it's hard to untranslate] i have got something going on over here, with a specific purpose and direction. something is wrong with me.

illiterate bass drum.

i will be nothing but a legend of memory.
and i am full of fear.

"before this one night stand becomes an eternity"
"one night doesn't mean the rest of my life"

basking in the wake of a hundred idols' creations.


meant every word.
just never said it.
don't listen to what he says.


captain self destruct said...


steve said...

yo marilyn manny fresh prince of bel air, i am totally into it. it's NY until at LEAST january/february, though. i have a plan and a list of scenarios listed in my head, so we'll see where we go. gamestop, and neil especially, isn't going to change anything, now that the halo push is behind us, and the holidays are juggernautically approaching. i'm going to drop the question about the possibility of a bigger better future within the company sometime in january or february, and then from there, i'm sure you'll be reading more in here, except in the form of acid bats.

it's not my fault that this is how i relate to the little AND the big things.