as much as you could.

i'm seeing things, thinking, "what the FUCK is that??"
i hate those dirty fucks.
i just don't want to hear it.

-

i was in the middle of sending a text message that started "i still think one of the funniest damn things you said was----;" i got cut off by a phone call from some guy who wanted me to be an extra in real movies. he works for those companies that draw you in to do head shots. when he called the first time, i played a character of my editor. i told the guy on the other end of the phone that, "steve is pursuing a massive lead right now. can he call you back tonight, around midnight?" when i felt that the guy really just wanted to hangup and give up, i went on to say, "if he's really not that important to you guys, i'd probably give up now. he's a hard man to reach." all the phone voice could muster was the scripted, "well, we'll try back tomorrow morning, and hopefully get a hold of him."

and damnit, i forgot the rest of the message i was sending.

as i said earlier, i'm in a constant state of feeling that i'm going to forget what i'm going to say.

-

i wanted this weekend to change the way that i thought.
and it didn't.

i did figure out that i am addicted to this and i need to get a better grip on myself again. i'm not sure when i started completely slipping back into that. i think it might have been when i started digging too deep. seeing the kinds of things that if you say them out loud, they sound so much more inconsequential than if you let them run laps on the inside.

i did figure out that i am the reason that every romantic relationship that i've ever been in has deteriorated because of me. i am never the only victim.

i did figure out that i would like to be more committed in a healthy fashion to this relationship without a complete and total reliance on the availability of a connected voice.

i want to relearn trust.
i want to relearn the ability to be acutely aware without being completely on edge.
all the little things, the subtleties, i want them to come back.

i have some release valves. i need more.

i think if i looked back on the game day tapes of this past month, i would probably just laugh and laugh. that whole hand over the mouth, eyes wide, head shaking back and forth, "what was i thinking look." looking over to friends being like, "really?"

the response, throwing their hands out in front of them, shoulders popping up, half smirking. in my words, it'd be something like, "...happens."

it used to be i could keep myself motivated because if i felt it about myself, i generally believed it. now, it's been taking this disgusting amount of reassurance. the kind that gets you unattracted, and unmagnetised.

i think about hearing her say the things i've said to her,
being asked the questions that i've been asking her,
and i'm pretty appalled.

-

it's such a god damned shame that all this mistrust, and the belief in a sudden depressing reveal comes from a relationship that i've been out of for a year and a half. and after all that i've been through, and all that i've recovered from, all that i've built back from the ground up, i still can't shake that one bit of damage. that one possibility.

the typical story of being hurt before:
the learned defense.

-

i want to be so good.